I want to be able to produce art. I know I won't produce anything that displays true talent, but I can produce something decent.

I need my head back.

I want to be able to do things.

It wouldn't be this low if something went right, sometime.

The mess up at sectionals. There is a reason why my self-esteem is so low.

I need a realistic vision.

That one source of pride? It's not coming. Definitely not like this.
I need to be able to be happy without it.

I'm an unskilled volunteer.

I need to be able to make something from nothing.

I need to fix things that I have control over.

I need to feel excited about life again.

I want to miss people again.

I want to want to call people again.


My main flaw, my lack of talent/skill can be explained by lack of experience (due to fear) and being naturally slightly incompetent.

I need to be invigorated.

What is it?
What do I need to get over this?

It's time. I can't be held back anymore.

This problem has run it's course. I'm so far behind in life.
Completely underwater. with everything.

There's so much I need to accept. I don't see how I could have any self-esteem if I do accept it all.

I felt like I had a choice last night, and once again, I made the wrong decision, knowing it was the wrong decision.

I carry it all with me, everywhere I go.

What do I make of this night?

It's this feeling that hinders me. This feeling is why progress is so limited. What do I do with this overpowering feeling? How do I rid myself of it?

My life
is a mess.

so frustrated.

My brain isn't working today. I can identify the lack of thought, but I can't seem to correct it.

I must learn not to think.

From Impluse, by Ellen Hopkins.

The Thread

Wish
You could turn off
the questions, turn
off the voices,
turn off all sound.

Yearn
to close out
the ugliness, close
out the filthiness
close out all light.

Long
to cast away
yesterday, cast
away memory
cast away all jeopardy.

Pray
you could somehow stop
the uncertainty, somehow
stop the loathing,
somehow stop the pain.

There is another verse to this poem, but I find the first three to be more relevant.

What does it feel like to be alive?
I imagine it in my mind, conjure up the emotions,
wishing they were a reality.

Some days it seems so easy to put it all behind me, but I know its a false hope. The only way I will know if I am starting to come to terms with my past is if when the thoughts arise from their graves, my emotions do not fall down the shaft of pain and inferiority, and I am able to stay above the surface. Keeping them off my mind does not mean that I am okay. Keeping them on my mind and not being troubled, destroyed, is the only true sign of recovery. Right now, I don't see that being possible, as there are so many painful memories that still exist in my head, so many memories of incompetence, so many memories of not succeeding, that I can't seem to come to terms with them. My self-esteem has been hit hard by my past, and the bullet wounds are still causing pain, years after they were inflicted. I keep trying to accept them, to speed the recovery, but as they happens, I continue to take hits, and more wounds appear. I've tried to band-aid the wounds, forget about them, move on, but I can't. The wounds need surgery to be healed, and surgery is a difficult process, and right now my chance of a successful surgery seems slim. I don't believe I have the tools to perform the operation. Every time I seem to be making process, more pain arrives, and I've forced to drop a tool and find a new one. I'm running out of tools.

I like it when people seem to have a deep ocean in their eyes, something more to them, that they carry with them, always. I wonder if my ocean is visible to those I met, or is the veil of disguise that I wear impenetrable to those around me.

The Fear.
Inferiority Complex.
Loser Complex.

I have no life.
I have no experience.
I've never been in a relationship.
I am completely untalented and unskilled.
I am slightly incompetent.
I am not too smart.
I'm not that physically attractive.
I am weak in public speaking.
Sometimes, I can be awkward.
I wasted many of my younger years not knowing what life was about.
I will never fully be the person that I could have been.

These are things I must learn to accept.


and in the end, if you ever want to truly make changes, you just have to love your life the way it is first. Accept it and realize that acceptance does not mean that you are giving up. It means that you are accepting what you cannot change, but it leaves the door open for you to change things that you can change.

That hard part for me is, I have so much that I need to accept.

I've been digging up the graves
of the memories of the past
letting the ghosts haunt and taunt me
every waking moment
the ghosts dance around in my head
relentless
more and more arise
a new grave uncovered
with each passing moment
I know the only way
I will ever
accept this life
is to look these ghosts straight in the eye
and tell them
that they aren't going to forever ruin my life
I will stop the torment
I will put them back in their graves
I will stop the haunting
I will accept

Nothing.

The power of that word

echoes through me day by day.

I was always the one who would forget to take off the size sticker on his shirt.

wish there was more good
to make me forget all the bad
or at least
not make it hurt
so much

Will never forget this.

Third year in a row I can't feel an ounce of holiday spirit. =-(

The question I am asking myself now is: Is it possible to be happy and not ignorant at the same time?

I'm already in a terrible position, confused and feeling hopeless, and then I get my last grade back today, a B+ in Philosophy, a class that was suppose to be easy to get an A in, according to his past grade distributions. I'm not going to be on Dean's list this semester for the first time. Again, I'm trying to rebuild my life here, trying to fix all the wrongs of my past, and then this happens. The one accomplish I had is now gone. What exactly am I suppose to do? How do I do this... with nothing?

Nothing at all.
If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is.

Why don't I get better at anything?

Freedom of mind.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

all this inside of me builds up can't hold it in all the time the truth must come out


I don't care about seeing my friends anymore I'm dead when I'm around them

I don't care about anything anymore BECAUSE I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck

and I can't be freed from this madness

all of it running all over me now like a high stakes race can't keep it in anymore

tired so tired of this life I'm tired of the same feelings every night

the simple things I can't have like in a glass container that you can't reach

its like I'm walking in the store with my past holding its hand like a kid holds their mothers hand and I'm looking around and seeing all that life has to offer in its glass display cases and I plead "can I please have that????" like a kid and my past says

Oh, that's Love Chris. You can't have that.
And don't even bother answering about Self-Esteem or Peace of Mind, you can never have that?

You wasted you're fucking life Chris. You'll never be able to redeem yourself. You'll never get what you want. You'll keep living this life were the real you is deep inside you yelling screaming "LET ME OUT!" but its stuck way down there and it isn't coming out.

and it really comes down to this: if I could be myself then someone will care about me and then I can buy them a Christmas gift, something special for them, and I can hand it to them and they will smile and I be lost in the smile, because that's all I want is that accepting, loving smile for once in my fucking life of loneliness self hatred regret YEARS OF REGRET that's all I want.

a smile.

a smile.

a smile

a smile.

and I'm sure that most of this post made very little sense but I'm in a crazy mood right now BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I'm tired of being in the state of mind that I AM BROKEN AND NEED TO BE FIXED
and UNTIL I HAVE FIXED I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.

I'm tired of it.

tired of it.

my heart begs pleads yearns hopes violently throbs within me ITS TIRED OF BEING ATTACKED by all these NEGATIVE feelings
and my lungs
my lungs
they ARE TIRED
of not being able to breath
without DIFFICULTY.

and my mind
oh my mind
WISHING
that it could get out of this nightmare
and LISTEN TO MUSIC
and not THINK
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE MUSIC
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE ANYTHING
and I can watch a basketball game and not think
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, YOU COULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON A SPORTS TEAM.

and it always ends with

YOU ARE NOTHING.

and I'm tired.

of that being the truth

WITHIN ME

I search DAY AND DAY AND DAY AND NIGHT IT'S ALWAYS THERE

trying to find someway to accept myself

BUT ITS A BATTLE I'M NOT WINNING

I'm losing.

and all I want is to be normal.

have friends that are like me (whoever I am)
feel affection once and awhile
and to feel pride of something I have done
once and awhile

it always comes down to that
always
always
always
always
always
always
always


I'm holding on the bars of the jail cell
let me out
I say
I scream
let me out of this nightmare

let that girl actually think of me
let my life not be this empty
let me DO something with my life
let me bring joy to people

let me free
Have you ever felt trapped before?
Actually trapped?

What's the ending to this story?
Because I'm tired.
real tired.
of this feeling

words can't describe this state of mind.

free me.

save me.

It's part of life.

To me, nothing matters if it doesn't have a chance to fix the problems that resonant within me. All I've been able to figure out is things that will not be able to fix it. I'll like to find some things in the other category now. It's been three long, long years. I want to feel again. I want to love again. I want to know what it feels like to wake up and feel, ok. I want all of that. But if the piece isn't there, I can't. I've learned that now, especially this past year. Without pride, without some kind of actual hope that my life will not always been this empty mess, and that my incompetence will not forever ruin me.. I will never be able to feel okay again. I want to, desperately.

Redecorating my room because I can't redecorate my life.

How do you make a life from nothing?

pathetic was four years ago

I know I'm not good enough but doesn't anyone want to help....

It isn't right.

I need to make better decisions, and learn how to communicate.

I need true hope that my life can be different someday. That there is still time to fix things. That I haven't done permanent damage.

If I didn't have relatively easy finals and a great schedule, I would problem ending up failing all of them, I'm in that bad of state right now.

I need to stop caring even if I have nothing. even if I have nothing.

I need to let it all go.

I'm just tired of feeling like shit every single day. I'm tired of feeling so inferior, but I can't make the feelings stop.

Last week I was stood up on what should have been my very first date, ever, at the age of 21. When I knew he wasn't coming, I called my best friend in tears, but she had left her phone at her boyfriend's house. When I told him, he said to wait, and arrived in ten mins with flowers for me. He GMH.

I don't think the concept of "self-esteem" even exists in my body in my body anymore.

lightning comes and lightning goes and its all the same to me.

and I see the pictures and the smiles and the love there everywhere and I want it to be in that picture more than anything I'm tired of sending my mind to those happy places of love and acceptance I want my body to come too but its stuck stuck stuck

and I see those pictures and the hell of loneliness takes over and I want in and I don't want to be alone anymore I want to be in the picture


let me in the picture you can black out my face if its not good enough just give my a heart a chance

give my heart a chance

and that's what it is at the end of the day: this overwhelming, utterly painful loneliness. the amount of pain I'm in now.

please somebody help me

Wasn't a wallflower for one night.

I don't feel or think I can do anything.

Failure my entire life. What am I to feel good about?
No pride at all.
no self-esteem.
no confidence.
I have never felt more worthless.

Should I say good-bye to love? Because I don't see anyone loving me for a long time. I'm not even sure if it's possible.

You feel like you're making real progress and maybe someday I can be happy again but no, everything just falls off the cliff.

Let me just give you a piece of my psyche right now:

Okay. One of the only things I have ever accomplished in college, and in my life is to acheive Dean's list throughout my freshman year. The prospect of me attaining that achievement for another semester is very unlikely, as I am probably going to get a C at best in Spanish, and that would require me to get straight A's in my other classes, a very hard feat to accomplished. So basically I'm looking at the only thing in my life that was giving me a HINT of self-worth about to evaporate. There is honestly nothing else I do well right now.

I was a fuck up child who didn't play sports because I wasn't naturally aggressive and did not have any natural confidence.
I quit playing instruments because I didn't care and wanted more free time. fuck me.
I never performed in plays and anything like that because I was always too timid.
The only thing I ever did was do well in school, and then the pleasant realization came that I was a hard worker and really not all that intelligent.

So basically, there was nothing at all that I did well. Nothing.
and I've been trying to fix this problem for years.
years.
and years.
trying to find SOMETHING that I can do. find SOMETHING I can take pride in. SOMETHING to derive some meaning from an otherwise worthless experience.
all while
being completely destroyed inside by loneliness
how many tears of loneliness have I shed? too much to count.
but I push forward every day.
I haven't given up in the most bleak times.
never doubting that I would eventually find something to take pride in, feel good amount, get some sort of worth from, so I can believe in myself again and stop being a self-absorbed fuck-up asshole motherfucker who is one of the luckiest people alive because of all I've been given - health, a loving family, all my basic needs fulfilled and endless opportunities but I waste it all? I do nothing? how could I not hate myself? yeah, I didn't know better. but I still need to blame myself.

because then, nobody can hate me, they can just be indifferent towards me, like people always have.

what has caused this mood?
I got a terrible grade back in Spanish, a 71 on a presentation that I thought was good enough for a B. I acknowledge: I fucking suck at speaking spanish. does that mean I don't try. No, I try even harder, and I know even if I try mt hardest, I'm still only a B. but no, for this presentation, even with all my effort, I was a fucking 71. worst grade in the class.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
so there's no way I can continue this minor. I'm not good enough. the grades speak for themselves.
so worst possible scenario: I try my hardest at something, but yet my lack of SKILL and TALENT holds me back.
that's been my whole life.
I honestly have never had SKILL or TALENT in anything.
and it's killing me.
I have so little options because I have experience in NOTHING at all because of stupid fucking past. so what am I to do?
where do I go?
and none of my friends understand this.
none of my family does.
I'm completely alone.
and I'm suffering.
just trying to find ONE SOURCE OF PRIDE.
but I can't.
and I keep trying.
and I keep feeling lonely.
not good enough.
never good enough.
wasting my fucking time with these problems when I should be living the good life, giving to other people, because I was suppose to be one of the lucky ones.

all I want in my life is one source of pride.
people who understand and care about me.
and maybe once
even for a minute
30 seconds
10 seconds
1 second
someone to love me for who I am.
and to not feel unlovable
for that 1 second.

and then.
I can devote myself to others.
because I am so goddamn lucky.
to have this life.
to have what I have.
and I'm sick and tired and not being able to use what I have for good.
instead I wallow in pain and misery every minute and every day.
feeling worthless.
all because I can't find a goddamn source of pride.
and because no one loves me.
and no one ever has.

and that's my story.

and that's why I'm crying right now.

for all of you that can feel happiness, even for a few minutes each day.

be thankful.
please.
be thankful.
what I would give
to feel actual happiness again.

...

I can see rock bottom.

I will bring meaning to my life. I will do it.


I will do it.

I will do it.

I hate making important decisions alone.

my thoughts speeding by ignoring the red lights they won't stop. I need some control. a stabilizer. something.

if only I wasn't... fuck

Incredibly bad mood today.

I need to figure out my life.

I need to get a lot smarter.

wish I could go to sleep so this feeling will end.

seeing him there in the diner today, reminds me of everything

I won't be a failure my whole life.

I'll be somebody someday.

feeling as dead as the trees....

I'm a broken... broken man.

I realize this three year depression has been me punishing myself for who I was. I feel if I keep punishing myself people will accept me. I also punish myself because I feel it is the only way I will ever be able to forgive myself.

I lived life the wrong way. today in the shower all the pain rushed back in, and that's when I realized all of this.

I hate myself for being afraid.

and EVERYTHING was true. I knew that signs that were lighting up were not illusions, they were a harsh reality of all that is wrong in my life.

and there's still all this emotion in me i want to write it out of me but I can't I would write for years
I was knocked off the plane when I was a younger kid and and I was given two parachutes pride and love but I can't them to work because they don't exist for me never have and I need to them to and then I can float peacefully in the air and I wouldn't be falling anymore and my heart will stop screaming and I can say "hello, how are you?" and that's all it will be it would be "hello, how are you?" with one million strings attached and analysis of every gesture every spec of movement I make and I won't look across the room and see the people who have what I don't have and hate everything and man I wish I could just go have lunch and have lunch and eat my sandwich and wash it down with some lemonade and it could just be lunch but nothing is ever anything anyone its all loneliness and lack of pride and I need to find that shade of light that comes through it all that I can jump to and ride through the storm but the light hasn't turned on yet I'm going to keep looking

and I wish I had a few things in my life like a "good job Chris" or "Chris let's hang out and do nothing or we can do anything" and I like "like what?" and they say anything at all we could go to the city and run under the lights and make commotion or we could just sit on a bench and watch"
and then maybe we see tears falling and we look up and we see its someone on top of the building and they are crying why are they crying they are sad they are not loved love pushes you to warmth not love pushes you to the edge of a building crying and I wish I could jump up to them and hold them and say stop don't do this and I wish I could be there net of love because no one would jump if they had love because love can catch anyone because its that strong and wide and beautiful and man we are walking in the city and we see the commotion and the laugther and then you turn off the volume and you see people and you see movement and you see life and then you narrate your own story

that's the problem with I'd love to narrate my own story it'd be beautiful with bells chiming and ringing but I don't have that control my life story is that of broken bells they never chime they cry they are broken you can see the cracks

and I haven't written any of this loneliness and lack of love and self-hatred and the longing for a "good job Chris" wrote this that's why its all messy and dirty and has many loops and turns and straight aways but the is what I am now those emotions and its intense but they can be quieted by three words I know it and they are "I love you Chris" my ears have never heard those words my heart has never touched them held their hand and I don't need everything from someone I just need those words to be true for that moment that would be enough and I've known this since I was 13 and looked at those pretty girls on the boardwalk and wanted them to look at me and that girl in 7th grade who was so pretty and nice and I decidated songs to her and I was a funny kid but never did I know how much I wanted those words
and maybe my life will have a night of bliss when we are holding hands and my fears are being distinguished and we are looking each other in the eyes and I don't even have to funny that night or deep or nice or anything I don't have to be a word I am just me and that's okay with you because me is all you need and you are all I need and that night we'll dance and sing and sit and stand and walk and run and spin and whirl and we'll be out of breath but we'll never stop spinning and dancing and loving and
that's everything

and I'm still playing the song I can't stop but I'm not even really listening I'm just letting it play through me it makes my heart my emotions dance around and feel all fluttery

I was walking back to my room and I knew I was feeling it I clapped my hands to calm the storm but this storm is a hurricane and its not going to go away with a clap and a clenched fist and a deep breath its too strong category 5 maybe even 6 if they have that but I don't think they do but its strong let me tell you that much and I wish I could jump into this song be on stage singing to someone special and she's looking at me and really looking at me you know when someone is really looking at you they aren't really actually they don't see you're body they just see you you're purity your emotions they see through all surface and they love you

I want to nights to be just me and my footsteps.

and I write this all with my trust emotions of despair how I agonize over text messages and wonder if what I said is correct or "could it be perceived in this way? oh fuck our friendship is OVER" that fucking shit. well it wouldn't exist if someone held my hand and said "hey it's okay Chris" and they didn't just say it then meant it and knew it and through my hand felt the emotions pulsating through my body and knew that I'm not a bad guy I'm Chris I like love and I like smiling and I like people and I like when people say "good job Chris" and I like when I get complimented but usually I just have to imagine that because that's my not my reality I need to create the illusions..


and I listen to song by snow patrol and I cry from it because its so true and beauty and its my dream and I want it
and the way he sings it is so pure and beautiful and lovely and I want to sing this song and make it be real because then I know my heart will be swelling not dieing collasping inside of me falling down to the pit of stomach coming out in tears and angry fists and slamming bathroom stalls and steering wheels and crushing soda cans and heavy breathes of loneliness when I see the people in front of me holding hands. fuck that

can I hold your hand? you don't want to got it I understand I'm dirty like garbage why would you want to touch that I'm ugly why would I want garbage when i could have that trophy on the wall so vibrant and lovely and sweet and you're just garbage but I like you but don't get too close I will run away before that can happen

and this song I can't stop listening because it makes me tap my fingers my desk and the tears from my eyes flow so pure and I feel something its like the tears squeak out of my heart they are crying for love they break through the barricade of loneliness they are the only thing that breaks through all us in stuck inside the cage yelling but you can't hear the yelling
because its all underwater
the water of loneliness fills up my body my heart my mind and everything is drowning in it I know its through I see the bubbles come to the top I don't know how much longer they can all hold through breath they may die out soon and then what will I have? nothing inside and out
and then I will truly be alone and hope will be gone and I need it and I need hope because I see the messages shared and the love communicated I see it everywhere its red in a sea of gray
I want to reach out and grab it and let it be mine for once you know I come so close but yet I don't
I mean how far can garbage get not very people get repulsed they don't want the leftovers

they never wanted me not ever there's loneliness and then there's pure loneliness and never being loved and hating everything because you just want a text that says " I love you" or the person who spends the night and all you do is laugh at nothing and be pure and look out the window together and see the tree blowing in the night with the stars all over the place shining gleaming romanticizing life and squeezing hands so hard you could melt but you don't because you have love and you never want to let go never let go if you could hold hands forever you would because you would never be alone ever again and you could have love running through your veins at every moment cuddling you when you are feeling down because no one deserves to feel down not all the time like I do but I do and it hurts so much I could die but I don't I perservere because I want to experience love ever for a minute a second a flash in the pan a lightning strike of love is all I need just to know what it feels like you know and then my face will truly be smiling and you'll look at it and you'll feel warm because I'm not smiling love is

and I really want to just be normal but not normal life is a majestice thing I'll never understand it I'll never understand anything but I want to understand love because is so great what else is there really everything always go back to love

and something was bound to go right sometime today the lyrics flow in both my ears my legs are shaking I don't look so normal now I hope they don't see my vibrations but maybe they should see it its my emotions moving my legs and my heart and my fingers right now all emotion
the feeling in the core of my heart is so lonely I remove it from my body and show it to all of you it will look black and gross and unpretty and it will swirl like it does in my body and the "you're funny Chris" tryings to combat it but it sucks in it and spits it ut and then its "you're a loser a chris" because that's how almost every night ends
and my legs are still shaking and I feel everything pulsating and I want you

not really any you because there can't be a you in my life because there is never a me in anyone elses because they have there trophies and I'm in the can in the corner you don't even see me half of the time maybe not even any of the time you look past me you look through me like transparency oh how I want to be looked at fully and to be looked at in the eyes when I'm driving home and she doesn't even say anything she just touches my shoulder and then all is well because the touch is all I need the touch would free my body all the hatred lonelienss would exploud out of me like a missle out of a cannon and it would be beautifully depressing and it would be gone and my mind would stop being in a civil war stop killing itself so I can think about other things like how those flowers are quite beautiful and man can I just look in your eyes again? I want to get lost in them like I did the other day when I saw you and it never felt so good to be lost

but this lost feels like I'm a tiny dot at the end of everyone's paper and most people don't ever look there and if they don't do they don't see anything worthwhile they just see a dot at the end of the paper

oh pure emotion running in and out will this all I ever feel, my life in ruins and all I want is to say something they mean to be and mean that I am ok and that maybe I can be a trophy in their life and they can love me like they love and we could be happy for a second or a few days or maybe longer but I don't care how long as long as it was there because it can never leave then and then my heart will stop crying and I will be free for a time and I will fly across the country with a smile and I will soar for that moment and many a few more moments an eternity of moments that's what love is an eternity of moments that you feel like you're soaring across the country and you're smiling

and then I can actually smile and feel proud of myself and the thoughts that go "what a fucking loser you are Mr. Christopher Lombardi, see that trash can over there? yeah that one, you're the human incarnation of that piece of trash no wonder why no one cares about you you're just a fucking trashcan in the corner.

because all the fun I had in these past three years has been fleeting and fake and used as a stepping stone over the river of despair. I used each one to try to get me out of it, but I've learned you can't go over the river you have to dive right in and block the source of the flow of water.

and I wish all my emotions weren't so fucking negative so I can write some shit that isn't a metaphor for depression or loneliness but actually about love and happiness and bliss and true smiles and the beauty of the trees being blown the wind and the serene nature of the night when its just you and your footsteps. I wish I could write about that and not this. then I could read it to people and they can say "good job Chris" because no one ever says that.

I haven't truly had fun in three years.

I NEED TO LET GO.

my thoughts wrap around trivial matters because I want and desire certain things that I've never had

I need to untie the knots and let go of it all control it don't let it control me anymore

as much as I can

I'm far from brilliant I guess I'll have to make due with mediocrity.

rethinking everything because my life now is waiting and waiting and no real action.

of course if I didn't feel like I did maybe I'd act more but shut the fuck up

this is my life and I'm going to do something with it

broken in every way

I'm sorry to everyone for being who I am.

I know if I were different you would like me.

I dare you - Shinedown

I still remember.

One day I'll be able to really listen to music, really breath, really feel, because I'll be proud of myself.

I need to find something that I can separate from it all.

was thinking back to the shore, the times with the music and the beach.

good memories.

lonely hearts club

and you always feel that you are the only member

I can't get any lonelier than this.

Chris is in a relationship with his past.

can't do this anymore.

lift me up, lift me up

I've fallen

I need a purpose for being here, more than anything. I need it.

people just don't like me that much.

3rd straight day of feeling dead.

my heart, I can't even feel it beating.

feeling so dead.

like nothing at all in inside of me.

emptiness, most empty I've felt in quite awhile. I feel absolutely nothing right now, except worthlessness.

when will it be my turn?

I'm always

lost in the shuffle

I like certain parts of myself. I really do.

Happy November.

so many romantic lyrics... with no home

this rollercoaster is making me sick

just be my friend.

and be supportive.

but no one even

talks about it.

im tired of analyzing everything I say or do as being a quality that could be loved

Im tired of doubting

im tired of not knowing

one person to be there for me. one person. just one.

drowning in the dark waters

"I fail on the most basic human level."

Why does no one truly care about me?

What do I need to do.

tell me someone

and I'm sorry

for whatever I'm doing

that makes you not care now.

Several years back, I passed by an elderly man with crutches hobbling onto an interstate on-ramp. I stopped and asked the man if I could give him a ride. He said "Yes, I'm just going to the next exit to visit my wife." When I get to the next exit, I dropped him off at the cemetery. His neverending love GMH.

When i was in elementary school i was a very shy child and didnt have any friends. So when it came to lunchtime i would sit all by myself at the far end of the table. The principal of my school realized this and sat and ate lunch with me everyday for months until i finally found some friends. I will never forget him, he GMH.

I work in an ICU, and yesterday while on shift I noticed that the same elderly man had been sleeping in the waiting room for four days. I asked him why he didn't go home for a sleep. Turns out he is the husband of a woman in isolation on the ward. In his words "We've been married 65 years, I couldn't sleep without her there anyway."

Today I was dressed as a bear and went around a carnival hugging people. I saw a girl about 16 crying, so i gave her a really big hug. She told me that she was ditched by all her friends who only invited her as a joke and my hug made her feel important. Small gestures DO make a difference, this GMH.

I am a poor college student. Today when my boyfriend of 7 months picked me up from school with MY 2 year old daughter,I saw she was wearing a new tu-tu and new shoes and a HUGE smile..my boyfriend took a little girl who is not his on a mini shopping spree just to see her smile. guys like him GMH

I'm a 17 year old girl, and one night I ended up stranded in the city, alone, at 3am. Two bouncers that had just finished work came up and asked if I was okay, and warned me that I was being followed. They took me out for coffee then gave me a lift home, 45 minutes away. Knowing that no matter what, someone's always looking over me GMH.

For four years my best friend held my hand through an emotionally abusive relationship while hiding his deep love with me. Today he will be holding my hand while walking out of the church after our wedding. The fact that he has already loved me through thick and thin GMH.

One night when I was traveling throughout Spain I was on the train by myself at 1 AM. 3 men started harassing and surrounding me. An elderly man came over, yelled at them, sat by me, rode with me all the way to my stop and got off with me. He said he just wanted to make sure I was safe. GMH.

Today I saw that someone had changed some graffiti on the subway from "kill yourself" to "fulfill yourself." GMH

Today, my teacher was telling us a story about her friend's adopted son and how he got picked on for it. One day at school a boy went up to him and said, "I came from my mommy's tummy, where did you come from?" knowing the boy was adopted. His response? "I came from my mommy's heart." He was 6 years old at the time. This GMH

its hard to press on and keep waiting... if all you've been doing is waiting your whole life.

All you ever wanted was love
But you never looked hard enough
it's never gonna give itself up

going nowhere fast.

I just need someone... for once in my life.. to make me feel
special.
That's all.
That's everything.

And I'm sick of all my judges
so scared of what they'll find
But I know that I can make it
As long as somebody takes me home,
every now and then...

I'm just sitting here, waiting for life to begin.

but...



that's wrong.

I need to go make a life for myself

“Life is waiting for you, don’t wait on life.”

someone once said.

I just don't know
what to do.

I'm ready.

Just give me a chance.
Let me see what I can do.

let me into your world.

The only people you should ask for advice are people who can see what you see or feel what you feel...

say I am
say I am
say I am wonderful

I haven't been moved in along time.


My life needs:


action.
action.
action.

so I'm up late on givesmehope.com trying to make myself cry to let go of some of the emotion thats overtaken me because I just want to feel something strong.. feel something....

I'm noticing a pattern..

my heart leaves the door wide open for loneliness to creep in every night...

and at the end of the night, loneliness fills me to the top

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me

Self-discovery.

now that's a real smile.

"All of the places and people belong to the puzzle
But one of the pieces is gone
And it's you
It's you
It's you
Joy, it's you"

girls need to want me for my future.

I was thinking, one of the reasons I am alone is not actually from self-esteem, but rather, high self-esteem. I have had a few opportunities (around 2) where a girl did want to be with me, but I was not interested in pursuing it because I believed they wanted what I represented (a boyfriend), more than who I actually was, and I didn't see their personalities as fitting well with mine. I thought I was good enough to be able to date a girl who actually wanted to date me, and a girl I definitely wanted to be with. I never thought I would have to settle. I've always had high expectations, well not high, but certainly expectations for girls I would date, and I find it funny that I could be alone because of faulty expectations. Maybe I'm really not good enough for a girl to like me for who I am, and the type of girls I'm into, maybe they are just out of my league?

Don't lose the moments.

I want to be your 2nd thoughts, and the ones after that. I want to be the thoughts you have before bed, and the first thing on your mind in the morning.

I want our thoughts to match...

I love being bold.

the hardest part is....

that every one

makes me feel like

I'm not good enough

not good enough of a person

not worth enough

for anyone to care

and this feeling

brings the tears

the fact that

through all of this

instead of


friends stepping up

to help me out

they step aside

and leave me

to fend for myself

I thought

I would see the true colors of my friends

and I thought they would be pretty

but they

don't seem to be

pretty at all

I thought I would gain friends

but instead

I feel like

I'm losing them all

Other people's boyfriends take them out for elaborate meals, and buy them Tiffany bracelets. My boyfriend, though, is eighteen, lives by himself, goes to school, pays rent and has no money. Our dates are nights in with movies. When I see him going through his change jar to treat me to some chocolate, it makes me wanna cry. His love GMH.

When I was little, my dad worked as a manager at a restaurant. One of the dish washers at the restaurant gave me a new coloring book everytime he saw me. He lived in the alley behind the restaurant in a cardboard box. To this day, his generosity GMH.

Today, I was out to dinner when I saw a group of teenager girls dining together next to an old woman by herself. One of the girls asked the old woman to join them, and her face lit up as she accepted and moved over to their table. They GMH.



I hope someone does this to me... when I'm the old man sitting alone.

no pride
no love

=

no smile

I love photography.

for me life is always a work in progress.

that's everything: being alone.

Why don't good things ever last for me?

you would think it gets easier, loneliness. It doesn't. No matter how many nights I spend looking around... and finding no one... I can never get use to it... use to being alone. The pain grows, never subsides.

its the nothingness that makes the pain never quite go away.

and then its just a memory

and every once and awhile you see what your life could be

there is so much life in me that can't get out without retreating soon after











sfkskdlfjksdlngxclnlgjweiotrinxcvnmxcngjladhgjashdjghasdohguowhgjodnjlnvjlsandjgfahsdjfnasjdnvsalndgjasng;ajshgas;hgsaasfasdfsafashgjlsnamnvmxcnjwohtuoiwpotioiwentosjan

i dont want you to go into the background




not someone else

not again

nottttttt again

I'm just trying to makeee it work

hurting all over.

when you realize everything is nothing and you have to make something from nothing

there will be awkward times

excited for life?


people... feel that way?


what?

the one thing about life: it always seems to balance itself out.

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX.

drawing parallels

October 2006

I remember you

I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.



sorry


trying to send myself a message

I decided that when I do get the connections I will only accept 75% level of happiness

because its too dangerous above that

and for other reasons too

NEW MONTH NEW LIFE

I remember those days....

everyone is a mixture of certain ingredients

good and bad

maybe finally

I'm starting to discover my good ones

remembering the days when I use to breath.

oh

what ive been through emotionally the last few years

redefining everything

I'm becoming less afraid.




gotta keep my mind in check. it has a habit of getting ahead of itself.

I need a stabilizer.

teaching myself how to value inner beauty.

I have decided: I will not allow myself to be happy until I have the connections I need/want in my life, because every time I fall, I fall because there is no one to catch me. The connections aren't there.

"you are lonely man who screwed up every opportunity you had in life."

"The first time I took this personality test, I was in my teens searching to understand myself since, like all of you, I have always known I was different and have tested consistently as INFJ ever since. I think our type is incredibly special and I’m glad that there are people like us in the world but at the same time, I’m worried about us. Are we doomed to lead these isolated, lonely existences where we spend our lives feeling for others, watering their gardens, but at the end of the day, we are left alone, forgotten in the corner because no one knows what to do with us?"

we're losing another one

Guess what? I'm alone.

There are two types of darkness that reside in my life: The darkness inside of me, and the darkness around me.

The darkness inside of me emanates from the realization of some of the mistakes I've made in my life, seeing my life for what it is, and being very upset with my current life situation, in almost all regards.

The darkness around me is the unknown. I have yet to experience much life, and therefore most things I try to do are talking leaps into the darkness, a difficult task to do. The fact that I have to make most of these leaps alone, raises the difficulty even more.

As I write this, I realized there is a third darkness in my life, that in the minds of those around me. Most people around me don't understand what I am going through and what I feel I need to do in order to reach a more normal ratio of happiness/sadness. I feel like, if people did, a few people who know that what I need most is someone who sits down with me, asks me "What do you think you need to do to fix this?" and then goes along with me, just because they care. I'm not saying complete dedication, just being there with me when I need to do something I see as progressing in the right direction. If there were people in my life who are looking of the same thigns I am: A place to fit in, an identity, meaning, excitement, connections, then that would be even more helpful. We could work together.

I don't think people see that part of feelings of insignificance come from that fact that it seems like I'm not important for anyone to care about as much as I need them to right now. The idea that no one wants to help me on this journey. Very sad, but seemingly true...

But then I think, there have been a few times when people have asked "What can I do?" and I tell them to just listen. Even though I don't believe these people understood my situation, they did ask to help, which I am thankful for. However, this happens only sparingly, and at those times I was not aware of what I needed.

Now I know.

IT NEVER STOPS.

I'm 22 years old and I'm about to go on my first date. I've never felt so beautiful. GMH.

"When I entered middle school I saw this super cute seventh grade boy. I liked him ever since that day even though we NEVER talked. Then one day in my sophomore year he came up to me during lunch. He said, "You know, I've always thought you were beautiful." That blew me away. We have been married for 11 years. To this day he GMH."

"The other day I was babysitting for a 7 year old boy and he asked me if a boy had ever kissed me. When I told him no he grabbed my hand and planted a big kiss on it. His love GMH"

"I woke up one morning to hear the birds outside my window and my mother cooking breakfast downstairs. I've never cried so much in my entire life. I had been deaf since the age of 8."

"A long time ago, I was on the verge of committing suicide when a guy came to the roof to have lunch. He saw me climbing over the railing and asked me to share his lunch with him. After receiving my puzzled look, he explained, "everyone should die happy. or at least with a full stomach." We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last month. GMH."

A boy was dying of cancer and needed an expensive brain surgery, but his family, broke and desperate, couldn't afford it. His 8 yr old took sister Tess took her piggy bank savings to a pharmacist in order to buy a 'miracle'. it just so happens that the right man witnessed the little girl's tears at the pharmacy counter: a neurosurgeon. He performed the surgery for free.

My brother has Down Syndrome and doesn't speak very well. This week while we were down the beach he tried to learn how to skim board.He would try and ask the other boys how they did it and they would laugh at him and walk away. The last day 4 teenage boys spent hours with him teaching him. They were so patient. He wouldn't stop smiling :)They GMH.

I must believe there's more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is disappear

The Bravery

the problem with this life is that when things go wrong (today, I probably didn't do too well on my Spanish or Personality test), there is nothing good to take my mind off of it. they just sit there in mind, constantly haunting me. I'm stupid, I can't do anything right, schoolwork is suppose to be my thing, all these thoughts float around in my mind.

and then there's the other thoughts, you know the ones about how everything is wrong....

this isn't fun.

I need to live in the present.

tengo dolor en mi corazon.

it wasn't me.

I try to imagine it and I can't.

I'm tired of living in a world where everything is painted black.

I just want a happy song to play in the background just once. for once.

the only stories I have are sad ones

I'm too emotional

I look at people's photos and I see them smiling, and I think, why can't that be me? why can't that be me?

I want to give people hope.

I was sick and couldn't sleep and was afraid that I was keeping my husband awake. I told him that I would sleep in the living room since he had to go to work in the morning. He picked up my blankets and pillows and joined me in the living room because he didn't want me to sleep alone. HIs love GMH.

I suffer from severe depression. I try to keep that part of me away from friends because I'm worried they'll judge me for it. After revealing this to a dear friend via email, he went silent. I went to bed feeling worse than ever. Early the next morning, there was a knock at the door. He had driven all night to see me, just to give me a hug. GMH.



can't people see

that's all I need

"Lately my dad has been really angry and distant, and i feel like it's just wearing my mom down. I went home to visit today and found a journal in the bathroom. Each day my dad writes a new thing he loves about my mom and leaves it for her to read. GMH"

"Today my boyfriend and I spent the entire day together. While we were laying on the grass and talking, he told me I made him the happiest man on earth. My boyfriend has been clinically depressed for the last 6 months. This definitely GMH."

My dad owns a small business that isnt doing so well right now. Hes known the other employees for a very long time. He always makes sure that they get paid, even when he doesnt. He doesnt tell them, but he takes money out of his savings for them.

I was always shy in high school, new to the area, felt like people didn't care, & just lived in the background. Then at graduation I got an award for never missing a day of school since kindergarten & as I walked onstage, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was the happiest I've ever felt. GMH

Saw this on FML: "Today, I went to buy lunch at a grocery store. The total was 3 pounds, and my card got rejected for insufficient funds. I fished about for change, and found I only had 2 pounds. A homeless man behind me in the queue then offered to give me the remaining pound. A homeless man paid my lunch. FML"

FML?? GMH!

A little girl was dying of cancer and her younger brother had a match for the bone marrow she needed. The doctors told him it was a matter of life and death. After he had the surgery, he asked the doctors how long he had to live. He thought if he gave his bone marrow to let his sister live he would die but he did it anyway. GMH

After reading every GMH on the site, I texted and emailed all my friends and relatives, telling them how much they mattered to me and that I loved every single one of them. Within an hour, everyone had replied back telling me that they loved me too. Even ones I haven't talked to in years. GMH

"The hardest part for me about my daughter being autistic is that she didn't recognize me as her mother. This week we were pointing at things in a book- "where's the cat?" "where's the ball?" and I asked her "where's the mommy?" and she turned around and pointed at me. GMH"

"I used to work as a restaurant hostess. One day, a gentleman came in, obviously hung over, and asked me to find a particular server for him. Turns out he'd had a lavish dinner, drank too much wine, and woke up the next morning realizing he hadn't tipped well. He drove back just to give his server an envelope full of cash. GMH"

"A few years ago, I attended Ball State University. I saw a guy dressed in a strange manner, riding a motorized scooter shouting 'Happy Friday!' to everyone up and down the main drag while handing out candy. I thought he was just some fraternity pledge until he returned every Friday. It turns out he did it just to see people smile. He GMH."

no I wouldn't give a fuck not a damn fuck about all my weaknesses and my lack of everything that I feel that I lack if I wasn't so alone in every aspect of the word, in all my relationships, everywhere.

so alone.

"Recently, I volunteered at a local foster home. I was drawing with the kids and one of them made a drawing of two stick figures holding hands. I asked him to tell me about it and he exclaimed, "It's love!." A 7 year old with no family explained to me what love is, he GMH."

I just want people to see that this is real

its also hard to accept rejection when you don't really have many other options... all you see is... no one.

I don't ever want to think that a girl is "out of league" and that is the reason why I was rejected, because if I succumb to the league theory, I would discover that I in fact have no league, and therefore would have a chance with nobody.

I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, not another train.

and nights like these I see all there is

and how much more there needs to be.

no matter how hard I try.....

its always back to this.

"A few days ago, I saw graffiti in our school bathroom. Etched into one of the doors was "Does love exist?" The rest of the door was covered in answers. Every single one said "Yes" I never thought that vandalism could GMH."

my life still lacks so much control.

need to remember reality.

need to fast forward to saturday right now


edit: fuck this

I don't feel right. I don't know why.

you're it

a birthday card.

ex.

what's missing

need that confirmation

and I just thought, I want this part of my life to begin.

saw a girl sitting alone today at dinner
my heart ached for her
the only difference between me and her is that she's not in disguise.
nobody should be alone
nobody deserves to be alone
nobody does
=(

I want to show you everything
and then I want you to stay

nobody thinks twice

yesterday something good happened.

I was reading a post secret book in my friends room

and I was reminded

that there are other people like me that exist

that are lonely, lost, confused about their lives, don't like themselves, have regrets

they are out there somewhere.

I have all these songs that I want to sing but I have no one to sing them to.

so so so so so so so so so so so so tense

someone helppppp me relax

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkk

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

fuck


will probably delete this by tomorrow
but I needed to do this now


fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

lonely hearts club.

I don't think anyone understands that this is years and years and years and years and years of loneliness stored up inside of me.

because I feel worthless
because I have no one


that's what it always is

"It hurts just to wake up
Whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in"

"I forget the last time I felt brave
I just recall insecurity
'Cause it came down like a tidal wave
And sorrow swept over me

Depression, please cut to the chase
And cut a long story short
Oh, please be done
How much longer can this drama afford to run?

Fate looks sharp
Severs all my ties
And breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then,
All my heavy hopes just pull me back down again"

it never leaves

always there

I'm crying inside

but no one can see

I see who they could be.

no matter how much it hurts I must keep going

no matter how incompetent I feel I must keep doing

no matter how much it hurts

netsfan129poetry.blogspot.com

terrible mood.

I wish I could capture this feeling in a bottle and release it every once and awhile to remember what it feels like.

I feel hope... like... real hope.

What will it take for me to feel I am a person of value and accept it? When will I finally believe that a good mood is always followed by a more severe bad mood? When will I accept that even though life sucks overall... it doesn't have to ALWAYS suck, and I can actually be happy with myself?

I think sometimes that through all of this, I have gathered a very unrealistic, exaggerated feeling of what loving someone feels like, but then I think, maybe love is the one thing you can't exaggerate.

loneliness

I feel...so...alive...


first time in awhile I am reminded of what it is like to feel normal

dead mood. I missed these times.

I talk on the phone and its like I'm on autopilot.

I can't stand it.



maybe I do need to move away from here. maybe its the only way.

what is going on.

woah. last night/early this morning was....

o_O


sorry, not feeling very descriptive right now.

check back later.

This may seem a bit random, in context of my other entries tonight, but I have to post this.


Nash: I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am... you are all my reasons.


I love, absolutely love, this quote.

I love love.

Who is this person who actually can hold a conversation?
Who is this person that actually is friendly?
Who is the person who actually seems to have some sort of intelligence?
Who is this person who actually isn't afraid of hanging out with people?
Who is this person who actually might someday somehow have a life?
Who is this person who actually says what he means to say?

I mean, this isn't me. I mean, it is me, but it can't be. All the things I've wanted to be, suddenly, I'm them. All last year I suffered from not being to speak, being socially awkward, being the opposite of lively, an overall mess I was. Now I'm actually a person, that I like.
but I'm incomplete. therefore, the hate is still sitting just below the surface.

18 years old and I have yet to feel connected with a female.

I mean how much longer can I shut out the thoughts?

can't feel good about myself. I can't. I can't feel happy with anything. i can't. If I don't stop this, the fall is going to be impossible to recover from. I hate this.

I hate that I can't accept being happy with my life. I hate that I'm so use to be unhappy that I'm scared, actually scared, of when that is going to come back.

I know why I'm so tense all the time. My body is waiting for the fall.

=(

If I were secure, this wouldn't exist.

but I can't secure.
never be secure.
because what makes me feel secure is not going to work. its not going to last. I wish I can keep going up, but I fear so much of going back down, because that's all I've known.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
-Neitzche

I'm tired of everything I want being present in only my imagination.

maybe I'll find a life this year, maybe I'll be okay, maybe someday the hole will go away, but who knows, I can feel the ice breaking, I can see the fall. That's what I set myself up for, to keep falling, falling, falling.


I just know what I'm missing, how imcomplete I am, because whenever something occurs in my life that I truly, deeply desire, like affection or a compliment or an acknowledgment of some sort of worth, the emotion that runs through my body is indescribable. It shows me how much my body is lacking without these things. I feel completely different.

and ok.

let me say this:

I am trying something new this year, because honestly, lastly, if you couldn't tell from my blog posts, was complete hell in my mind.
This year, I'm trying just to not think, not think about anything too deeply, not take apart every single fucking word I say and every action I take in order to find self-worth.
its hard. my mind is still firmly in control.
but I know its what I have to do.
one thing I have to do to.

ok let me tell you something.

you see.

the words aren't here.

ok, let's try this. My mind, continously: I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm likable, I'm not likable, I'm lovable, I'm not lovable, some girls definitely could find me attractive, I hope some girls could find me attractive, never felt love before, never been loved, so so lonely, so so lonely, so so lonely, so so lonely...

hearing that sad familiar song once again.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time

I would wish upon a star
but that star, it doesn't shine
so read my book, with a boring ending
a short story of a lonely guy

hate the fact that I can't stop waiting for the ice to break.

this is going to be something.

When will it ever be me?

that's not my life.

"Feeling pain is still better than not feeling, isn’t it?"

Will I ever be able to relax again?

but if you want the truth, come here. to this blog. 

 If you're worried about hearing my story over and over again.. don't worry, I won't talk about it anymore. I won't say a word. I'll just go back to pretending. 

I don't do anything anymore.

seriously, when will this ever end.

Everyone else's bad times seem to pass. When will mine pass?

A mean there are parts of me that are okay, I have a personality somewhere in here that I like, I have good values, I can be compassionate. There are things I like. I can't function without the missing pieces though. and those missing pieces seem to be unattainable.

"Time Won't Let Me Go"

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If you gave me back those years
I'd do it all better I swear
Time won't let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba...

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba...

-The Bravery

I just want to yell, yell, yell and get all of this out of me. I wish I could cry until all this emotion left me and I could feel okay.

I never feel okay. Always troubled. Can't sleep because of it. Can't connect with others. At all. Or if I do, I get nervous, anxious, and close myself off, because I can't open myself up because of all these emotions. I feel like what's inside isn't worth much and I feel that if I open up that fact will be exposed.

I can't stand it. I really can't stand it.

To have nothing and feel incapable of ever getting something.

This is me.

Frankly I'm tired of all this pain and misery. Having a life I don't want and being a person that I don't like. Realizing more and more how legitimate my feelings are and therefore how misunderstood I am by those around me. I don't want to be this way.

All summer I've tried to figure out this life and get to somewhere I want to be, but I haven't been able to get there. I don't even know where I'm going.

I feel empty, lonely, incomplete and incompetent.

College soon, sophomore year. Am I excited? I don't get excited anymore.

low again. real low.

I feel a long post coming soon.

overflowing.

If only there was something to feel good about, then I would allow myself to be happy.

I see the problem.
I feel the problem.
Still searching for answers.
Still searching...

really bad.

I'll have to do this on my own.

save me, I'm lost.

its funny how one simple compliment can bring a smile to my face.

all around me dead friendships... I killed them all.

what set this off? last night.

silence silence silence with my friends. how do I still have them? what do they see? sure I'm nice, but you can get that from other places. its just one quality. and there are few that ask me to hang out, that want to. it shows, one quality makes most people not think of you. I could ask people to hang but I have nothing to say and there's nothing to do. and thats because of me. all me.

okay. so I want to rebuild my life. I want to have a life. that would require effort and ability, I would need to find my "thing", my niche. that means I would have to find success in some area. tell me this. if I don't have the mental capacity to hit a golf ball straight (went miniature golfing) , then how am I suppose to do well at anything else that requires much much much more skill?

you may think, is he insane, doing poor at miniature golfing, coming in last at something so insignificant set this off? well, if you fail at everything and ALWAYS come in last, and ARE pathetic, the worst player out of everyone at SOMETHING ELSE and you are because you can't hit a ball straight and CAN'T conceptualize how a ball would bounce off a wall that EVERYONE else seemed to have no trouble with...well.. then well... you see. when all someone wants its to BE GOOD AT SOMETHING and show SOME SORT OF ABILITY and this happens over and over again... then fuck... you know?

How do I have friends?

I hate this person. I don't want to be me anymore. Summer 2009, fix this? Just getting further into the hole it seems. Sad. =(. Running out of time to turn this around. Another year of misery seems likely. I wish I was more in control.

seriously. I'm falling deeper.

If I just was COMPETENT in something and did not fail at EVERYTHING and had SOME brain power then things may be different. buttttttttttttttttt nope.

failure.

there's nothing about me that's special. I'm just a loser. and all I do is get more and more proof of this.

I don't have a life because I seem incapable of having one.

if you notice.. when I hang out with you, the few that actually want to.. the silence? the lack of conversation? its because of this. because I have nothing to say anymore.

I want to connect with people, yet I'd rather be alone right now. I could call people to hang out, but I'm prefer to go read a book.
I'm living a contradiction right now.
I know why too. I don't feel right. I feel that there is no point of making a strong effort to socialize because it would not amount to anything. As long I feel this emptiness, I feel that I will never be able to connect with people again.
Hard place to be in.

Don't know what I need to do to get this thing rolling.

Its simple actually: I did life wrong all these years. I know now, with complete certainty. I hope I won't be spending the rest of my life trying to right the wrongs of my past.

And I hope, I truly, truly hope, I won't have to rebuild myself alone.

I'm going to be taking a break from this blog. I may be back sometime in the future. We'll see.

Different Stars - Trespassers William

So you'd sing a lullaby to get me to sleep
So it's no surprise my eyes are never heavy
For i've not seen you in the flesh for so long
That i'm not sure we would know each other at all

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are
Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are

So i will hum alone, too far from you
All that i say now is nothing to you
We will lie under different stars
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don' t think twice wherever you are
And i'd ask if you're all right wherever you are
And do you think of me, you might, wherever you are.


Not a accurate representation of my feelings now, but it is for so many times in my past.

Meaning.

I wish I was a better friend.

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.

Was reading through some quotes/dialogues I have saved. I love this quote from A Beautiful Mind.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Lines ever more unclear,
I'm not sure I'm even here,
The more I look the more I think that I'm starting to disappear.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong.

I don't where I am,
And I don't really care,
I look myself in the eye,
There's no one there.
I fall upon the earth,
I call upon the air,
but all I get is the same old vacant stare.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong.

Crystal Ball - Keane

I also realize that some things in life you will never be able to truly accept, you can only learn how to cope with them. No matter how you try to put it in your head to make yourself feel better, you realize that its not enough and it will always plague you. I'm not talking about The Issue here, I'm talking about other events that have occurred in my life. A hard truth.

living in a personal hell that no one understands or acknowledges really fucking sucks. I know my friends and family try to.. and I love them for that... but I need someone who feels the way I do for reasons I do or at least similar reasons... because they would understand.. truly understand... what it feels like. realize that its not a cognitive distortion. someone that will be by my side, both of us side by side, fighting this problem... together. if you're out there, say hello, I could really use you right now.

much needed emotional release.

What a night of confusion.


What do I care about?


Month since I got back. Need to really get to work. What I've been doing hasn't been enough.


Its really now or never.

So far away.

Oh man.. the few hours of being somewhat myself this afternoon... were fabulous. =).

Hey, I was dancing in the street today. Haven't been in the mood to do that in awhile. Oh and how such simple things can sometimes spark good moods. If only they lasted for more than a few hours. You know?

It seems that whenever I have the opportunity to do something that could help progress things... I never have the courage to take it and thus I continue on my path of loneliness, inferiority and complete discontent with the life I am leading. Not that taking these opportunities will fix anything alone.. but they most certainly would be of some benefit.

Spell of loneliness has taken over right now. I am such a failure in the social sphere. Really.

anyway, check this out: www.givesmehope.com

Me now, compared to me three hours ago, completely different. Mood inconsistency is the r0xz0r.

I felt a little alive today.

A weekend of complete incompetence. Disconnection. Self-hate.

Like a tiny black hole...engulfing everything I ever was...

I have no idea who I am, what I like, where I'm going, what I care about. My life right now is completely up in the air.

Passing feeling of myself tonight.

Once there was a great storm,
Pushed my head beneath the waves,
I was gone.

http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/love/31.html

makes me smile. that's all I've ever had, the ability to enjoy the concept of love, the idea. oh what a wonderful, truly wonderful feeling it must be. to love and be loved.

And my emptiness is outwardly expressed. I'm sorry everyone. Just bare with me. Or lend me a hand.

I know.

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you....

I'm just so fuckin depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm startin to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent but I just can't admit or come to grips
With the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shit so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you'd have to walk a thousand miles...

Chrous

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me, I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find, look at shit through each others eyes

*Singing*
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get FUCKED, just stay true to you

Verse 2
I think I'm startin to lose my sense of humor, everythings so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I got to check the temperture of the room just as soon as
I walk in, it's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that, then it opens the door for coversation, like I want that
I'm not looking for extra attention, I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fuckin man servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass
And laugh at every single joke I crack and half of them aint even funny like
"Ahh, Marshall you're so funny man you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we ain't gotta trade our shoes, and you aint gotta walk no thousand miles

Chrous

Verse 3
Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in, in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid, even if it meant actin stupid
And Aunt Edna was told me, keep makin that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin there holdin my tongue tryna talk like "thissss"
Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then, cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin, it's probably 110 percent different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's, let's see if you could fit your feet...

Chrous

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has their private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you....

*Talking*
Yeah, to my babies, stay strong. Dad will be home soon. And to the rest of the world, God gave you them shoes, to fit you, so put them on and wear em. Be yourself man. Be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny, don't ever let anyone tell you, you aint beautiful.


Eminem - Beautiful

Well this is it. Summer 2009 begins today. Finally I'll have the time to make some impact, make some progress in this life of mine, I want to leave all this behind. Well not all of it, but all the inferiority, discontent, jealousy, insecure, I want it to go, I want it gone. These feelings have ruled my life and I'm at the point where I can't handle how much life I miss out on because of them. This summer I need to find myself or at least finally feel like I'm on the right road. Feel proud of myself. Find some value for myself, feel like I'm going somewhere, get that direction in my life that I have not been able to find. I want emotion back, I want true emotion back, I want that true laughter back, that true joy, I want it all back. I want love, I want love. My emotions have been drained, I can feel the hole inside me, I know what's missing. I lived life the wrong way in my respects for most of my life, and I suppose that a two-three year depression period would fit that, but I want to be done. I need to start this next chapter. I want to enjoy these next three year of college, when life is all about your friend and life and experiences and staying up all night and just being around people that you care about. I've never had that, I realize now. Never really had that true, closeness with anyone, the kind where you can just go over there house and hang out all night... doing whatever. That kind. I want to feel missed and miss other people. I want to be significant. My life thus far has lead me down a path of mostly insignificance.

This summer I want to actually feel like I have made progress, because I know now all the signs of fake progress, when I truly believe that I've made a break though when I haven't. All those times I've never fixed the underlying issue, they were just methods to get around it. The underlying issue is I don't know myself and don't feel any pride in myself. If I find some direction, start doing things I like to do and finally forming an identity then I know that constitutes true progress. I need this to happen. If anyone could go inside my head and see how much this destorys, you'd understand. People see it as an issue, but nobody can truly understand the extent it affects me without going inside that dark place. When you strongly desire something, like for me, love and experiences of true emotion, and you can never get there, it just builds up and builds up. It grows, it consumes.

So this is it. Now is the time. Summer 2009. I want to be able to say in August, when its all set and done "I had a great summer" and truly feel that way. It can happen. I know it can.

The qoute of the top of my journal, so fucking perfect: "I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Almost done with this year. It's gotten so hard lately.. I need summer. I need revival. I need to figure myself out. I'm not going through another year like this. I can't.

(-_-)

I've never truly thought that I was good enough for anyone, but today is one of those days when I don't feel I'm good enough to even LIKE anyone, as I feel it is insulting/degrading to them in some way. And also, I guess its because when I do have feelings for someone, it is because in my mind/heart I feel that there is a slight, slight chance that I am a respectable candidate for them. On today's like today, I don't see how anyone could see me in that way.

This task of creating of positive self-image sometime in the near future is quite daunting given my current position.

And today was another day when I could barely formulate one coherent sentence to come from my mouth. I know most other people don't notice or are use to it by now, and I also know that thinking about it won't change anything, but still, its so very frustrating to not to even be able to speak.

unrelated to my previous posts tonight but I want to say this: tonight my roommate and I moved our room back to the way it was in the beginning and oh man... what a rush of memories from that time period. wow. I just think back to how my perception of everything was back then... how things have changed about college, and everything else that goes along with it.

sometimes I can describe my mood in one simple word: fuck.

I'm really sorry to everybody that's been around me this past year... I'm sorry that I was always down. many of you probably didn't notice or didn't care if I was.. but I care... I hate the feeling of not being able to offer the best version of myself or at least something close to it on a regular basis. Now its never. 30 mins this week, I felt semi-like myself. 30 mins. I use to be able to get a day. I know I shouldn't hate on who I am - as people have told me they like me for who I am no matter how I act - and I love when people say that - it makes me feel like I didn't burn all the bridges and despite everything there still were a few people that enjoyed me. but that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that Chris has been stuck inside for so long and wants to be set free. I realize that the reason why my true self went away (on a regular basis) is because it was incomplete. That's really it. I had the personality I wanted but what I did, that whole part of me, was not there, was not defined. That's what I need to focus on. I really need to enact an attitude that will allow me to not be so inflicted by inferiority so I can make some actual progress. I am tired of this life I am leading. and to the people in my life who have sought to understand me and be there for me and want to help, thank you for making this life bearable. Really, if it wasn't for you guys, I'd be even worse than I am now.

frustration mounts. Need to break this inferiority complex because I'm not going to lose any more years of my life to it. I'm going to fight it and I'm going to conquer it. So many great people and great experiences I have denied myself, depressing, very depressing.

physically sick + multiple stressors + core issues = one very unpleasant day.

Rocky Took a Lover - Bell x1

Wonderful song.

He said 'The sun gives life, and it takes it away
But like all the greats, it'll burn out someday'
She said 'I don't mind, I don't want to get bored
I don't want to end up beached on this shore
I want to be that star'

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Misery. Absolute misery.

But the loneliness never dissipates.

And on nights like tonight, I see life.

Oh how much I love the smell of summer.

"23" by Jimmy Eat World is a truly beautiful song.

Kickball today - more incompetence. One of the last to be picked. Performed very poorly. =/. Obviously the way I believe see me isn't too far off from reality. The thing is, I don't know why they would think I wasn't good at the game, since most people on my floor haven't seen me engage in any physical activity. I performed the way they thought I would perform though. =/.

So oh well.

Here's what I'm thinking: I guess the only thing I can do is try to minimize the thoughts of inferiority as much as possible, so that they don't consume me like they do now and continue to try to find myself. I know I can never eliminate those thoughts until I truly know who I am and am proud of that person. I should have time this summer. I've also been sleeping better, my strategy of only giving myself 6-7 hours to sleep instead of 8-9 is working fairly well. So time + adequate energy should do me some good. I just hope I can come back to college next year, feeling better than I do now, at least a little more comfortable, so my inferiority doesn't limit from experiencing all this college has to offer, most notably, the people. I'm glad that even though I spent 95% of this year of college feeling absolutely terrible, it didn't stop me from meeting some truly great people. Some people I met this year truly impacted me, and I hope those friendships last. I'd like to build upon this year, meet more people, do more things, live life.

Someday I'll walk into any room and I'll be able to think that I'm ok. That I'm not flawed, and believe that a friendship with me is seen as desirable. Someday I'll be able to go to bed without hundreds of thoughts and terrible feelings.. someday I'll be able to relax again. Truly relax.

Someday, come soon ok, please.

Also, today made me realize the major problem that I've always had throughout my life, and perhaps the core feeling that drives me: Loneliness. Really, when you come down to it, that's it.


Oh yeah, and everything, truly, does happen for a reason.

-Chris

How fucked I am:

-15-20 page paper due Tuesday for my methods and tools class. (I'm on page 9).
-Sociology Write-up + Presentation due Monday. Read two more chapters in the book + many shorter readings.
-Biology: test Friday, 5 page paper due Next Friday, presentation with paper (optional but I think I need to do it for my grade), Small Lab due Friday.
-Abnormal Test Next Friday. Read three more chapters in the book before then.

That's what I have to due within the next week and a half, and right after that, the monday after, I start finals.

Its even worse considering that for each of my classes, close to 50% of my grade is decided in the next week and a half.

Add in the fact that I'm going through one of the more emotionally stressing times in my life, cried more this week than I have in a year, and just having a hard time feeling even an ounce of happiness... these next few weeks are going to be rather difficult.

I had a great conversation with my cousin last night, and with the help of conversations I've had with two friends the previous two days... as well as one I had today.. my situation is out in the open and the solution has never been so clear. I realize, for sure now, that my problem is entirely social. I personally find myself to be a great person who has yet to truly find himself. I've made plenty of mistakes in the past that have caused me great difficulty, but I can't beat myself up for them. I don't hate myself. I don't think that I am a loser at all. I feel that other people see me as a loser, as ordinary, as not worthwhile, as boring, as just someone that doesn't matter. I realize that I need to change that, and feel that I can justify people liking me. I admit, with my limited accomplishes/skills/talents/hobbies/interests I will not appeal to many people just on that fact, but I still feel like I could appeal to some. I do feel that I am lovable now, but not to many people, because I simply don't offer enough to most people to be considered a person that they truly "love". Now, that only thing that is holding me back is "So Chris, if you are indeed likable and lovable, where's da proof?" "Uh..." "Got you there!"
Okay. I do have friends, and close friends, but very little. And even though that should be enough, its very hard to accept, because this so is little proof its hard to fully acknowledge. There seems to be so much proof against my ability to be liked and loved, and not for it.

=/.

Really hurting right now.

My road to happiness seems a little clearer after tonight.

Right now, though, I can't shake the feeling of extreme loneliness. I hate when I feel this way. Its so hard... to be alone... so alone.. for all of your life. =/.

It's getting worse. I don't see how I can ever be happy again.

I just want to cry. Seriously. Just sit here, and cry. All night. Alone. Away from everyone. I can't be around people anymore, or I don't want to be.. I can't handle it anymore. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate being this failure of a person. And the sad part is... if this was all a cognition distortion... I figure I would have realized it by now. But it's not. And on today, such a beautiful day, I am sitting on my computer right now coming to tears writing this. I just want it to stop. But it won't.

Every day I see how much my life is a complete and utter mess.

I wish I could just have ONE conversation where I don't feel shitty afterwards.

For one day.. I can at least APPEAR semi-smart, semi-interesting, semi-talented, semi-SOMETHING.







For fucks sake.

Time to go out now, RHA banquet. Put on a face. Act like I wasn't just sitting in my room hating everything. Act like everyone's okay, when I really j ust want to scream at the top of my lungs.

just fucking scream.

Another day of me being me.........................................................................................................................................................................

Lonely hearts club.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

I'm just thinking how when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them.. or try to, because as I have said I can't seem to speak anymore.. its soooooooo ssssssimple. and it makes me feel worse, because of how simple it is.

I realize for the good part of the past year my pride was being sneaky. First my pride was based on me being nice. I HAD to be nice. I was the nice guy.

I would talk on the phone to my friend.... and I remember once I said something that might have been perceived as MEAN. oh boy. I was worried after that one. Will she ever talk to me again? I mean, if I'm not nice, why would she want to?

but then after that..... I was the FUNNY guy.. I gotta be funny... why else would someone want to talk to you Chris you suck at everything you're ugly you're stupid...

then.. I didn't even realize at first... but then I became the DEEP guy... I'm so complex... oh yeah... I'm not all at the surface...... I'm so INTERESTING.

Yeah, right.

hah.

What will be my next desperate ploy for pride?

and then I was thinking...

I remembered today... that when I was younger.. I don't remember exactly how old I was... I thought I was fat. I lost 11 pounds. I counted the calories of everything I ate, limited myself to a certain amount each meal. I was fat.
I don't even know why I thought this... I remember once one kid came up to me as a joke said I was fat.. but it wasn't serious... I wasn't heavy at all. I was normal weight.
I remember the doctor was very angry at me when I went in for my check up... I was 100 pounds the year before... then I was 89.. I went backwards. This wasn't the best thing to do, said the doctor, you are growing. You should be gaining weight, he said.

I never really was secure with myself.

This person, I portray. I can't stand. I wish I could just be me, but I can't. I don't chose to be this person, but with everything weighing down on me, feeling incompetent, worthless everyday, its hard not to be.

One thing in my life that I admit I am doing okay in, is my school work, but when I do poorly in that, the question that always comes up in my mind is, what else do you have?

It sucks that I can't give an answer to that question.

I'm stuck. This whole I have dug for myself, it seems like it is just too deep. I mean, sometimes I can start making my way out, things begin to look brighter, the happiness at the top appears to be reachable. Then I fall back in, because the the walls aren't stable. I slip back down to the bottom, waiting again for the strength to try to get back out again. This is my life for the past two years or so. Such a simple problem to explain.. yet it consumes me. Its not like I can even take pride in being complicated. I'm not. The situation is not complicated at all. It just seems impossible to fix sometimes, because I can try to ignore my thoughts and not beat myself up for the past, but then when I'm in social situations, having nothing to say, feeling dull, feeling uninteresting, feeling simple, feeling untalented, feeling average, feeling inexperienced, feeling incompetent, feeling idiotic, feeling worthless. I have nothing to fight off those thoughts with.

Its especially harder when I act the way I have been acting the past few weeks. Well, I've actually been acting this way for awhile, way before this problem consumed me, but it definitely got worse when all this started up. But these last two weeks, I have not been able to speech coherently. I don't know if other people notice, but 75% of the sentences that come out of my month don't make sense to me. I realize its mainly because of me feeling uncomfortable, and me not being able to think of the right word to say, so I try to replace it with something else that usually doesn't sound right. I use to be able to speak. =/.

I wish I could just be my normal, random, funny, self. Because then, I feel an ounce of worth, I feel like being around myself, and perhaps other people too, actually are enjoying my presence. But when I'm like this. Awkward. Incoherent. Dull. Tired. Boring. It's not fun for me, because I'm not a person that I would want to hang out with.

Such foolish shit I'm dealing with. Repetitive, beyond repetitive. I want to move on. How depressing it is that most of my nights end with me sitting at my computer, analyzing everyday I do, and just feeling more and more worthless...

I realize that during the average week I feel happy for only about.. 6-12 hours. A few hours here and then. That's all that my mind allows me. Because then the worthless thoughts come back. The thoughts of " you have no life", "you have very few friends", "you are a bumbling idiot", "you just aren't smart", "you have no knowledge, you can't talk about anything", "what do you have that makes you even remotely special", and it goes on.

I mean, I screwed up enough.. it'd be nice if I could just fucking speak. Say what I intend to say. At least have that. Maybe even make a few people laugh.

=/.

Going home this weekend. I feel nothing. Nothing. Completely empty. or sad. Empty or sad, how my emotions fluctuate.

and..........................

I don't see me getting out of this any time soon, because I know, whenever I walk into a room, I automatically feel lesser, feel down, feel lowwww. and I can't help it.

fucking self-esteem issues have always ruled my life.