If I'm going to get through this, I'm going to need something to hold on to. Something within. Something that will stabilize me. Remove the context. Let me live my life for today and make my past not be the determinant of everything. It's hard when my past mistakes have caused my life to be miserable now and that I made so many of them.
I wish I could start making better decisions now and rebuild my life, but I can't seem to do it.

It's hitting the same break wall.

Where is the crack?

Things cannot fall any further than they have now: It is official, every aspect of my life is up the air, and the one area of life that was semi-stable, my academics, is now in complete flux as well.


I get it together now, or it's all overboard.

I'm pathetic but I can't seem to do anything about it.

This has always been a self-esteem issue, with depression-like behaviors/emotions, not the other way around.
Therefore, it's not about happiness. It's about feeling ok with myself, as I currently am, no matter how hard that may be.

I lost a lot of life because of all of this.

disoriented.

I went and looked back at my blog posts from last spring break.

The words that I wrote, are the exact same I would be writing now, if I wanted to do a complete life status update.

Scary shit.

I try as hard as I can, every day to move on.

but it always comes back to:

You have nothing.

always.

that's it.
that's everything.

How do I accept that?

From day one, when this all started my sophomore year of high school, when my identity of being smart was vanquished, I began to search for who I was.

I still haven't found anything, four years later.

I'm on a ride that keeps spinning, years now, on this same ride.

Tonight I had a short period of normalcy. I felt like myself. I felt what life would feel like if I wasn't so empty, lonely, insecure, pride-less and uncertain. I was able to picture what kind of high school I could have had. I was able to picture so much.
I must never forget nights like these.

A life of energy and excitement, teenage thrills, memories and strong friendships. On nights like these, I can taste just a small piece of that type of life, and I love it. That's the life I always wanted to have.

And this is why I became this way, because my life deviated so far from what felt right, real, alive.

These thoughts have to stop but I can't stop them.

Not everyone reacts the way to events like you do.

Not everyone lives like you do.


find the difference.

every day there is something new, or many many things new, that can hurt me, drive my self-esteem down, make me feel unwanted, make me feel so, so down.

=(

I probably wasn't on anyone's lists for bigs in APO, except for people I know. I want to meet someone new, the potential friendship is there, and I want that.

but I just feel like its not going to work out, because most of the time it doesn't. another thing to feel down about.

My mind likes to play tricks on me, but really

this is the same thing

over and over again.


How do I take all I have learned

and make a life out of it?

I have a thousand reasons to feel sad.

but

I want to feel happy.

I need to find the way.

because this simply

isn't working.

It's the pain everyday, that won't go away.

I can't sing or dance. I can't play sports well. I can't do anything. I know I can't keep striving for those things, it isn't the right mindset, but how do I not make it hurt so bad?

My thought processes at the nursing home today: Am I really that lacking? My intelligence that low?

Also, why I am so fucking awkward?

I picture how things would be if I had any sort of regular self-confidence.

I want this all to leave me. I want to be free.

Spanish, something I love, would have continued if I had displayed more skill. It hurts, so so much. Did I make the right decision? It seems like it. Or maybe it was my nature once again, hurting me: Did I think too much about it? Could I have continued? Or was I simply not good enough? Did I make the logically decision that I had to make?
I don't want it to feel like the rest of my life, in which I feel like I've made the wrong decisions over and over again. In which I've felt that I'm too hesitant, too fearful, to push myself and struggle a bit to attain something. Where is the line between pushing yourself to achieve and realizing that something is just not in your reach? I don't know.
I could have went to Spain this summer. I could have traveled. I could have really learned Spanish. I could have lived. But I made a decision that stopped me from doing all that.
I didn't have to skill. I had other minors I was interested in at the time, I wanted a chance at them. I didn't think I was going to be able to travel because of the finances. Things ALWAYS seem to change after I make a decison. Now it seems like I could travel. Now it seems like the Spanish minor was one of the only worthwhile minors to have. I could have made so many friends with it as well.

Things change for me week by week, therefore decisions I make anyways seem bad, because my feelings for things change so often. It's so hard to live this like this, always feeling like you're making mistakes.

I'm tired of the worrying. I'm tired of thinking I messed up my friendships. I'm tired of it - all of it. I'm tired of everything on ice. I'm tired of feeling that if I'm not nice - then people will think less of me - because that's what most people compliment me on.

I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is in flux. I'm tired of not feeling in control. I'm tired of not being able to be myself. I'm tired of being troubled. I'm tired of second-guessing, I'm tired of it all. Something needs to change - now. Life shouldn't be this way, and I need to do something about it to change it.

There's always something that is going on to worry about. Once one issue is resolved, another pops up in its place. How do I stop this?

They always said "Happiness, you know, it comes from within." I was always skeptical. How can you be happy when everything else around you is in flames?

Well now I'm ready to give this a try.