so many romantic lyrics... with no home

this rollercoaster is making me sick

just be my friend.

and be supportive.

but no one even

talks about it.

im tired of analyzing everything I say or do as being a quality that could be loved

Im tired of doubting

im tired of not knowing

one person to be there for me. one person. just one.

drowning in the dark waters

"I fail on the most basic human level."

Why does no one truly care about me?

What do I need to do.

tell me someone

and I'm sorry

for whatever I'm doing

that makes you not care now.

Several years back, I passed by an elderly man with crutches hobbling onto an interstate on-ramp. I stopped and asked the man if I could give him a ride. He said "Yes, I'm just going to the next exit to visit my wife." When I get to the next exit, I dropped him off at the cemetery. His neverending love GMH.

When i was in elementary school i was a very shy child and didnt have any friends. So when it came to lunchtime i would sit all by myself at the far end of the table. The principal of my school realized this and sat and ate lunch with me everyday for months until i finally found some friends. I will never forget him, he GMH.

I work in an ICU, and yesterday while on shift I noticed that the same elderly man had been sleeping in the waiting room for four days. I asked him why he didn't go home for a sleep. Turns out he is the husband of a woman in isolation on the ward. In his words "We've been married 65 years, I couldn't sleep without her there anyway."

Today I was dressed as a bear and went around a carnival hugging people. I saw a girl about 16 crying, so i gave her a really big hug. She told me that she was ditched by all her friends who only invited her as a joke and my hug made her feel important. Small gestures DO make a difference, this GMH.

I am a poor college student. Today when my boyfriend of 7 months picked me up from school with MY 2 year old daughter,I saw she was wearing a new tu-tu and new shoes and a HUGE smile..my boyfriend took a little girl who is not his on a mini shopping spree just to see her smile. guys like him GMH

I'm a 17 year old girl, and one night I ended up stranded in the city, alone, at 3am. Two bouncers that had just finished work came up and asked if I was okay, and warned me that I was being followed. They took me out for coffee then gave me a lift home, 45 minutes away. Knowing that no matter what, someone's always looking over me GMH.

For four years my best friend held my hand through an emotionally abusive relationship while hiding his deep love with me. Today he will be holding my hand while walking out of the church after our wedding. The fact that he has already loved me through thick and thin GMH.

One night when I was traveling throughout Spain I was on the train by myself at 1 AM. 3 men started harassing and surrounding me. An elderly man came over, yelled at them, sat by me, rode with me all the way to my stop and got off with me. He said he just wanted to make sure I was safe. GMH.

Today I saw that someone had changed some graffiti on the subway from "kill yourself" to "fulfill yourself." GMH

Today, my teacher was telling us a story about her friend's adopted son and how he got picked on for it. One day at school a boy went up to him and said, "I came from my mommy's tummy, where did you come from?" knowing the boy was adopted. His response? "I came from my mommy's heart." He was 6 years old at the time. This GMH

its hard to press on and keep waiting... if all you've been doing is waiting your whole life.

All you ever wanted was love
But you never looked hard enough
it's never gonna give itself up

going nowhere fast.

I just need someone... for once in my life.. to make me feel
special.
That's all.
That's everything.

And I'm sick of all my judges
so scared of what they'll find
But I know that I can make it
As long as somebody takes me home,
every now and then...

I'm just sitting here, waiting for life to begin.

but...



that's wrong.

I need to go make a life for myself

“Life is waiting for you, don’t wait on life.”

someone once said.

I just don't know
what to do.

I'm ready.

Just give me a chance.
Let me see what I can do.

let me into your world.

The only people you should ask for advice are people who can see what you see or feel what you feel...

say I am
say I am
say I am wonderful

I haven't been moved in along time.


My life needs:


action.
action.
action.

so I'm up late on givesmehope.com trying to make myself cry to let go of some of the emotion thats overtaken me because I just want to feel something strong.. feel something....

I'm noticing a pattern..

my heart leaves the door wide open for loneliness to creep in every night...

and at the end of the night, loneliness fills me to the top

Stuck in the sand with the waves at my feet
And I wish you'd come crash into me

Self-discovery.

now that's a real smile.

"All of the places and people belong to the puzzle
But one of the pieces is gone
And it's you
It's you
It's you
Joy, it's you"

girls need to want me for my future.

I was thinking, one of the reasons I am alone is not actually from self-esteem, but rather, high self-esteem. I have had a few opportunities (around 2) where a girl did want to be with me, but I was not interested in pursuing it because I believed they wanted what I represented (a boyfriend), more than who I actually was, and I didn't see their personalities as fitting well with mine. I thought I was good enough to be able to date a girl who actually wanted to date me, and a girl I definitely wanted to be with. I never thought I would have to settle. I've always had high expectations, well not high, but certainly expectations for girls I would date, and I find it funny that I could be alone because of faulty expectations. Maybe I'm really not good enough for a girl to like me for who I am, and the type of girls I'm into, maybe they are just out of my league?

Don't lose the moments.

I want to be your 2nd thoughts, and the ones after that. I want to be the thoughts you have before bed, and the first thing on your mind in the morning.

I want our thoughts to match...

I love being bold.

the hardest part is....

that every one

makes me feel like

I'm not good enough

not good enough of a person

not worth enough

for anyone to care

and this feeling

brings the tears

the fact that

through all of this

instead of


friends stepping up

to help me out

they step aside

and leave me

to fend for myself

I thought

I would see the true colors of my friends

and I thought they would be pretty

but they

don't seem to be

pretty at all

I thought I would gain friends

but instead

I feel like

I'm losing them all

Other people's boyfriends take them out for elaborate meals, and buy them Tiffany bracelets. My boyfriend, though, is eighteen, lives by himself, goes to school, pays rent and has no money. Our dates are nights in with movies. When I see him going through his change jar to treat me to some chocolate, it makes me wanna cry. His love GMH.

When I was little, my dad worked as a manager at a restaurant. One of the dish washers at the restaurant gave me a new coloring book everytime he saw me. He lived in the alley behind the restaurant in a cardboard box. To this day, his generosity GMH.

Today, I was out to dinner when I saw a group of teenager girls dining together next to an old woman by herself. One of the girls asked the old woman to join them, and her face lit up as she accepted and moved over to their table. They GMH.



I hope someone does this to me... when I'm the old man sitting alone.

no pride
no love

=

no smile

I love photography.

for me life is always a work in progress.

that's everything: being alone.

Why don't good things ever last for me?

you would think it gets easier, loneliness. It doesn't. No matter how many nights I spend looking around... and finding no one... I can never get use to it... use to being alone. The pain grows, never subsides.

its the nothingness that makes the pain never quite go away.

and then its just a memory

and every once and awhile you see what your life could be

there is so much life in me that can't get out without retreating soon after











sfkskdlfjksdlngxclnlgjweiotrinxcvnmxcngjladhgjashdjghasdohguowhgjodnjlnvjlsandjgfahsdjfnasjdnvsalndgjasng;ajshgas;hgsaasfasdfsafashgjlsnamnvmxcnjwohtuoiwpotioiwentosjan

i dont want you to go into the background




not someone else

not again

nottttttt again

I'm just trying to makeee it work

hurting all over.

when you realize everything is nothing and you have to make something from nothing

there will be awkward times

excited for life?


people... feel that way?


what?

the one thing about life: it always seems to balance itself out.

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX.

drawing parallels

October 2006

I remember you

I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.



sorry


trying to send myself a message

I decided that when I do get the connections I will only accept 75% level of happiness

because its too dangerous above that

and for other reasons too

NEW MONTH NEW LIFE

I remember those days....