One tissue and an "I love you".

I'm glad that I see how much I could improve myself. Where I am now is so far away from where I could be. Every day I much venture towards the self I picture now in my mind. It's possible. It can happen.

And down it goes.

Every time the phone rings, I hope its you. I hope its you, calling me to erase all doubts in my mind, and help me feel that everything is truly okay between us.

I have this urge to do something crazy for once, something exciting, something to talk about. I've never been that kind of person, I'm safe. I know risk takers take risks that sometimes pay off and sometimes go horribly wrong, but to be the guy that has never really done anything truly exciting, its a strong desire that I will always have anyway. Someday in my life I will take some risk, and I hope it turns out to be completely worth it. As long as the risk isn't life-threatening or something that could leave permanent damage, I think in certain situations one must just go for it. Just go out there, knowing the benefits outweigh the possible negative consequences, and live a little.

When most people were out there living their lives, I lived mine on TV.

It gets clearer and clearer every day.

I was reading Post Secret, like I do every week, and this one I just came upon is very touching. The secret read "I believe the only way that you can be happy is if I shut you out my life so you can find someone who appreciates and deserves your love. I'm sorry I'm weird. I'll figure it out one day."

The email response that was posted in response to this secret is what struck me: "I wish you hadn't. I wanted to be the one alongside you when you figured it out."

The response was just so bitter sweet, as what was said was so kind and caring, but depressing that the person who posted the secret made the decision he/she did, because the person they shut out wanted to be there for them.

Just that line "I wanted to be the one alongside you when you figured it out", I feel like that is one of the most heartwarming things someone could say to someone else.

It's all me. I can't accept the fact that someone could like me. It doesn't fit into my paradigm. I mean, I'm suppose to be Chris Lombardi, the one who is too unattractive, too boring, too unaccomplished, and too awkward for anyone to ever have feelings for me. Even though people have liked me in the past (a few over the years) I still have the belief system in place that I am unlikable, unlovable. For me to ever put myself out there, the other person would have to plain and simple say "I like you." They can hint at it all they want, but because of my self-perception, I can't make a move on someone unless I know the feeling is mutual. This is a flaw. Because of my past, because of who I believe I am, I've resigned to the fact that until I fix myself, I cannot make anyone happy and therefore cannot even think of dating. This is wrong. I do have my flaws, I think about them every day, talk to people about them every day, but nothing changes. I am who I am. I'm trying to make my life better, trying to find that niche, a life that I enjoy, and all that. I'm trying. There is no reason why someone can't like me for who I am now. I am aware of most of my flaws. I just can't limit myself and keep myself off the market until I perceive myself as lovable. There is no reason that people cannot love me. I have many qualities that are great, I have enough going for me. I just need to believe that.

I need to fully accept myself. This faulty thinking I've had, that I need to get to a certain place until I can be happy. There is no "happiness destination". I should be able to be a happy person with my current life situation. Every day I am bothered by what I didn't do in my life, how it led to be this unaccomplished person, and how much I missed out on. It's all true. I did miss out. I am not accomplished. But I can't keep on viewing this way. I'm not that person anymore! I need to convince myself of this. I am NOT that guy anymore. If someone looks at me and sees incompetence and superiority (my ultimate fear), then I guess they aren't for me. Because no one will dislike me for the reasons I think they will. People may dislike me for my personality, but hey, that's true for everyone. Other people may not dislike, but just may not be interested in being my friend because we don't have much in common. Or they don't find me interesting. But that's true for everyone.

I'm still going to be bothered, the things I'm insecure about will not go away quickly but I can't keep feeding the thoughts and beliefs. I just need to shut them out. I've been dealing with this same problem for so long. I'm tired of thinking and saying the same things. My life will not go anywhere with the way I think. I need to fully accept my weaknesses and not see them as a major deterrent. If I do that, my social life will grow and become more enjoyable, and it will make it easier for to find my niche.

February was one of my worst months, ever. One week, I was so depressed I did not want to see anymore, I could not concentrate on anything, I was feeling utterly hopeless. Other weeks, I was just dead inside. I did not do much in February besides work and think, and think about the same thing over and over again. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I would see my therapist every week, and nothing would change. The same story, every time. No more of that.

A major problem that I have that has also been making life much more difficult to enjoy is my sleeping habits. I don't sleep well on a regular basis. I believe I can fix it though. This week, even though I have not slept the best, I have not felt the kind of fatigue that I have been feeling for the past months. I would be so tired that all I would want to do is sit in my room and do nothing.This week, even though I have not been in the best moods, I have not thought about sleeping and being tired, and I have been feeling okay when I wake up. I've been doing things. If I can carry this on, my life satisfaction will increase, no doubt.

Why have I not been in a good mood this week? One specific reason: Loneliness. I've been really bothered by my inexperience, and how of life I have missed out on because I have never had someone. But mostly, its because I so desire intimacy. Ever when someone shows just a tiny bit towards me, I automatically feel fantastic. I think "This is what I want, this is what I've been missing". I just want to be with someone who cares about me and I care about them, and share my life with them. Be close. Know that, someone is there for me. Someone loves me. Love. Something I've always wanted to be in, but never had. I watched the OC, use to get it from that. Use to imagine what it would be like in those situations. During the romantic scenes, I'd feel so happy, just seeing the beauty of romance. Like, in episode 14 of the the first season of the OC, The Countdown. At the end, when Ryan runs to Marissa's party, going there driven by true love, knowing that he just had to be with her, it is just a great thing to watch, to feel. When he arrives at the party, tired, worn out from his journey, and Marissa sees him and they kiss, a long wonderful kiss that goes on.. I want that. I desire that. All these years, through my loneliness, I thought I was this way because I "didn't put myself out there". That's true, but I didn't fully understand what that meant. Now I do. I know why I was the way I was. Why I never had anyone. Its very clear. I haven't been depressed my entire life, but I have been lonely. I can remember back to middle school, I would like girls, think about being with them, never doing anything because of who I was, and feel bad about being alone. Whenever I would go anywhere in public, if I see a random girl who I find attractive, I will always think, "maybe she will be the one who changes things, the one I am looking for." I always think that I will be saved by someone. I always had that desire.

I remember when I was younger, I put in my profile "Nobody knows who I am, but nobody really seems to want to know." I thought that people just didn't care about me. I didn't understand the concept that I had to MAKE them care. I am not a broken person, I am lovable the way I am now. I appeal to people, and they are the right people for me.

I also put on my myspace "On the outside looking in." and I thought "I will change this statement once it becomes false. It still is true, I still feel isolated. But life is not about feeling sorry for yourself. Anything you want in your life, anything that truly means something, you need to get it yourself. Its hard to do. Its not going to be like "wow I will get whatever I want now" but if I have this attitude, I will get MORE of what I want.

I always thought "If I could get stable, then I can get somewhere". Well, hello, I'm the only one who is holding me back, stopping myself from becoming stable.

Anyway. I did this for me. I did it because I feel like this will be the point in my life where I don't look back, at least for not that long. I feel like this will be the beginning of an upward trend, finally getting out of the gutter. Life can be great. I feel that I can start feeling that way. There is no reason why I should remain depressed. I have figured out my past. I know what I am lacking. I cannot beat myself up for it any longer. I have enough going for me now that I can feel happy. and I can only get better. Everyone who is friends with me, except the happy Chris to be around longer, and more frequently. even though I can't be myself all the time, I will try. And I will accept myself in a good mood and bad mood. There's really no reason why I can't. I know that I will not automatically change, but I'm not going backwards anymore. I'm going forward.

-Chris

I might have learned something tonight.

Maybe if I stop looking at myself as this guy needs to be fixed and is incapable of going anywhere until the fix is made.. and instead just accept who I am. Accept it.

Not that what I've uncovered over the years isn't true. It's completely true. I never did anything. I didn't accomplish much. I have very limited life experience. All of it is. But I can't let it hold me back anymore. I can't keep waiting for things to get better and then acting, I just need to realize: I am who I am. I'm perfectly likable the way I am. If I just keep that mindset, it will make the depressive states much easier to deal with.

I need to stop analyzing everything I do. I need to stop feeling like I need to be a certain way to be worth something. I just need to stop wasting thoughts on things that are insignificant.

But I think, what ALWAYS put me back in the depressive states:

-Feeling unaccomplished around accomplished people
-Feeling untalented around talented people
-Feeling insecure about my lack of relationships thus far in my life.

How can I deal with this? Well its going to be fucking hard to do. But I'm going to have to train myself to think, when these thoughts come up "Yes, you are not very accomplished or talented, and you do have no relationship experience. But you know why you are the way you are. It is not because you are lazy or incompetent (well I am naturally a little) but it is because of not knowing what is best and never finding what you loved. it is not something you should feel bad about."

Along with training myself to do that, I need to just.. get a life. I need to find something that will take up my time. At college I've been trying. I tried out to be an ambassador, CA, and tutor. Ca and ambassador I did not make, and tutor may work out but not the way I wanted exactly. I've joined clubs. RHA, water watch, Italian club, psych club, circle K. (Not active in all of the, but I do participate in them). but nothing that I really care about. I mean, I feel like volunteering may be something that I could really invoke myself in. So I want to do that. But overall, I just haven't found anything. I like sports, a lot. But not doing them throughout my life makes it hard to join them in college. Intermural would work, but I lack friends, in general, and friends that do the sports I like to do.

I just need to try to be active.

This could be much more expansive but its very very late or early (4:30 am wowz) so I REALLY need to get to bed but I am goign to continue this tomorrow, for myself, so I can view this post as, "This is where I am now."

Is life satisfaction on its way for me? Will I finally be able to get over the problems I have and focus on other people, and be able to appreciate the life that I have? I hope so. I think it can happen.

More later today.

It did end in a walk.