I'll have to do this on my own.

save me, I'm lost.

its funny how one simple compliment can bring a smile to my face.

all around me dead friendships... I killed them all.

what set this off? last night.

silence silence silence with my friends. how do I still have them? what do they see? sure I'm nice, but you can get that from other places. its just one quality. and there are few that ask me to hang out, that want to. it shows, one quality makes most people not think of you. I could ask people to hang but I have nothing to say and there's nothing to do. and thats because of me. all me.

okay. so I want to rebuild my life. I want to have a life. that would require effort and ability, I would need to find my "thing", my niche. that means I would have to find success in some area. tell me this. if I don't have the mental capacity to hit a golf ball straight (went miniature golfing) , then how am I suppose to do well at anything else that requires much much much more skill?

you may think, is he insane, doing poor at miniature golfing, coming in last at something so insignificant set this off? well, if you fail at everything and ALWAYS come in last, and ARE pathetic, the worst player out of everyone at SOMETHING ELSE and you are because you can't hit a ball straight and CAN'T conceptualize how a ball would bounce off a wall that EVERYONE else seemed to have no trouble with...well.. then well... you see. when all someone wants its to BE GOOD AT SOMETHING and show SOME SORT OF ABILITY and this happens over and over again... then fuck... you know?

How do I have friends?

I hate this person. I don't want to be me anymore. Summer 2009, fix this? Just getting further into the hole it seems. Sad. =(. Running out of time to turn this around. Another year of misery seems likely. I wish I was more in control.

seriously. I'm falling deeper.

If I just was COMPETENT in something and did not fail at EVERYTHING and had SOME brain power then things may be different. buttttttttttttttttt nope.

failure.

there's nothing about me that's special. I'm just a loser. and all I do is get more and more proof of this.

I don't have a life because I seem incapable of having one.

if you notice.. when I hang out with you, the few that actually want to.. the silence? the lack of conversation? its because of this. because I have nothing to say anymore.

I want to connect with people, yet I'd rather be alone right now. I could call people to hang out, but I'm prefer to go read a book.
I'm living a contradiction right now.
I know why too. I don't feel right. I feel that there is no point of making a strong effort to socialize because it would not amount to anything. As long I feel this emptiness, I feel that I will never be able to connect with people again.
Hard place to be in.

Don't know what I need to do to get this thing rolling.

Its simple actually: I did life wrong all these years. I know now, with complete certainty. I hope I won't be spending the rest of my life trying to right the wrongs of my past.

And I hope, I truly, truly hope, I won't have to rebuild myself alone.