Failure my entire life. What am I to feel good about?
No pride at all.
no self-esteem.
no confidence.
I have never felt more worthless.

Should I say good-bye to love? Because I don't see anyone loving me for a long time. I'm not even sure if it's possible.

You feel like you're making real progress and maybe someday I can be happy again but no, everything just falls off the cliff.

Let me just give you a piece of my psyche right now:

Okay. One of the only things I have ever accomplished in college, and in my life is to acheive Dean's list throughout my freshman year. The prospect of me attaining that achievement for another semester is very unlikely, as I am probably going to get a C at best in Spanish, and that would require me to get straight A's in my other classes, a very hard feat to accomplished. So basically I'm looking at the only thing in my life that was giving me a HINT of self-worth about to evaporate. There is honestly nothing else I do well right now.

I was a fuck up child who didn't play sports because I wasn't naturally aggressive and did not have any natural confidence.
I quit playing instruments because I didn't care and wanted more free time. fuck me.
I never performed in plays and anything like that because I was always too timid.
The only thing I ever did was do well in school, and then the pleasant realization came that I was a hard worker and really not all that intelligent.

So basically, there was nothing at all that I did well. Nothing.
and I've been trying to fix this problem for years.
years.
and years.
trying to find SOMETHING that I can do. find SOMETHING I can take pride in. SOMETHING to derive some meaning from an otherwise worthless experience.
all while
being completely destroyed inside by loneliness
how many tears of loneliness have I shed? too much to count.
but I push forward every day.
I haven't given up in the most bleak times.
never doubting that I would eventually find something to take pride in, feel good amount, get some sort of worth from, so I can believe in myself again and stop being a self-absorbed fuck-up asshole motherfucker who is one of the luckiest people alive because of all I've been given - health, a loving family, all my basic needs fulfilled and endless opportunities but I waste it all? I do nothing? how could I not hate myself? yeah, I didn't know better. but I still need to blame myself.

because then, nobody can hate me, they can just be indifferent towards me, like people always have.

what has caused this mood?
I got a terrible grade back in Spanish, a 71 on a presentation that I thought was good enough for a B. I acknowledge: I fucking suck at speaking spanish. does that mean I don't try. No, I try even harder, and I know even if I try mt hardest, I'm still only a B. but no, for this presentation, even with all my effort, I was a fucking 71. worst grade in the class.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
so there's no way I can continue this minor. I'm not good enough. the grades speak for themselves.
so worst possible scenario: I try my hardest at something, but yet my lack of SKILL and TALENT holds me back.
that's been my whole life.
I honestly have never had SKILL or TALENT in anything.
and it's killing me.
I have so little options because I have experience in NOTHING at all because of stupid fucking past. so what am I to do?
where do I go?
and none of my friends understand this.
none of my family does.
I'm completely alone.
and I'm suffering.
just trying to find ONE SOURCE OF PRIDE.
but I can't.
and I keep trying.
and I keep feeling lonely.
not good enough.
never good enough.
wasting my fucking time with these problems when I should be living the good life, giving to other people, because I was suppose to be one of the lucky ones.

all I want in my life is one source of pride.
people who understand and care about me.
and maybe once
even for a minute
30 seconds
10 seconds
1 second
someone to love me for who I am.
and to not feel unlovable
for that 1 second.

and then.
I can devote myself to others.
because I am so goddamn lucky.
to have this life.
to have what I have.
and I'm sick and tired and not being able to use what I have for good.
instead I wallow in pain and misery every minute and every day.
feeling worthless.
all because I can't find a goddamn source of pride.
and because no one loves me.
and no one ever has.

and that's my story.

and that's why I'm crying right now.

for all of you that can feel happiness, even for a few minutes each day.

be thankful.
please.
be thankful.
what I would give
to feel actual happiness again.

...