because all the fun I had in these past three years has been fleeting and fake and used as a stepping stone over the river of despair. I used each one to try to get me out of it, but I've learned you can't go over the river you have to dive right in and block the source of the flow of water.

and I wish all my emotions weren't so fucking negative so I can write some shit that isn't a metaphor for depression or loneliness but actually about love and happiness and bliss and true smiles and the beauty of the trees being blown the wind and the serene nature of the night when its just you and your footsteps. I wish I could write about that and not this. then I could read it to people and they can say "good job Chris" because no one ever says that.