I want to be able to produce art. I know I won't produce anything that displays true talent, but I can produce something decent.

I need my head back.

I want to be able to do things.

It wouldn't be this low if something went right, sometime.

The mess up at sectionals. There is a reason why my self-esteem is so low.

I need a realistic vision.

That one source of pride? It's not coming. Definitely not like this.
I need to be able to be happy without it.

I'm an unskilled volunteer.

I need to be able to make something from nothing.

I need to fix things that I have control over.

I need to feel excited about life again.

I want to miss people again.

I want to want to call people again.


My main flaw, my lack of talent/skill can be explained by lack of experience (due to fear) and being naturally slightly incompetent.

I need to be invigorated.

What is it?
What do I need to get over this?

It's time. I can't be held back anymore.

This problem has run it's course. I'm so far behind in life.
Completely underwater. with everything.

There's so much I need to accept. I don't see how I could have any self-esteem if I do accept it all.

I felt like I had a choice last night, and once again, I made the wrong decision, knowing it was the wrong decision.

I carry it all with me, everywhere I go.

What do I make of this night?

It's this feeling that hinders me. This feeling is why progress is so limited. What do I do with this overpowering feeling? How do I rid myself of it?

My life
is a mess.

so frustrated.

My brain isn't working today. I can identify the lack of thought, but I can't seem to correct it.

I must learn not to think.

From Impluse, by Ellen Hopkins.

The Thread

Wish
You could turn off
the questions, turn
off the voices,
turn off all sound.

Yearn
to close out
the ugliness, close
out the filthiness
close out all light.

Long
to cast away
yesterday, cast
away memory
cast away all jeopardy.

Pray
you could somehow stop
the uncertainty, somehow
stop the loathing,
somehow stop the pain.

There is another verse to this poem, but I find the first three to be more relevant.

What does it feel like to be alive?
I imagine it in my mind, conjure up the emotions,
wishing they were a reality.

Some days it seems so easy to put it all behind me, but I know its a false hope. The only way I will know if I am starting to come to terms with my past is if when the thoughts arise from their graves, my emotions do not fall down the shaft of pain and inferiority, and I am able to stay above the surface. Keeping them off my mind does not mean that I am okay. Keeping them on my mind and not being troubled, destroyed, is the only true sign of recovery. Right now, I don't see that being possible, as there are so many painful memories that still exist in my head, so many memories of incompetence, so many memories of not succeeding, that I can't seem to come to terms with them. My self-esteem has been hit hard by my past, and the bullet wounds are still causing pain, years after they were inflicted. I keep trying to accept them, to speed the recovery, but as they happens, I continue to take hits, and more wounds appear. I've tried to band-aid the wounds, forget about them, move on, but I can't. The wounds need surgery to be healed, and surgery is a difficult process, and right now my chance of a successful surgery seems slim. I don't believe I have the tools to perform the operation. Every time I seem to be making process, more pain arrives, and I've forced to drop a tool and find a new one. I'm running out of tools.

I like it when people seem to have a deep ocean in their eyes, something more to them, that they carry with them, always. I wonder if my ocean is visible to those I met, or is the veil of disguise that I wear impenetrable to those around me.

The Fear.
Inferiority Complex.
Loser Complex.

I have no life.
I have no experience.
I've never been in a relationship.
I am completely untalented and unskilled.
I am slightly incompetent.
I am not too smart.
I'm not that physically attractive.
I am weak in public speaking.
Sometimes, I can be awkward.
I wasted many of my younger years not knowing what life was about.
I will never fully be the person that I could have been.

These are things I must learn to accept.


and in the end, if you ever want to truly make changes, you just have to love your life the way it is first. Accept it and realize that acceptance does not mean that you are giving up. It means that you are accepting what you cannot change, but it leaves the door open for you to change things that you can change.

That hard part for me is, I have so much that I need to accept.

I've been digging up the graves
of the memories of the past
letting the ghosts haunt and taunt me
every waking moment
the ghosts dance around in my head
relentless
more and more arise
a new grave uncovered
with each passing moment
I know the only way
I will ever
accept this life
is to look these ghosts straight in the eye
and tell them
that they aren't going to forever ruin my life
I will stop the torment
I will put them back in their graves
I will stop the haunting
I will accept

Nothing.

The power of that word

echoes through me day by day.

I was always the one who would forget to take off the size sticker on his shirt.

wish there was more good
to make me forget all the bad
or at least
not make it hurt
so much

Will never forget this.

Third year in a row I can't feel an ounce of holiday spirit. =-(

The question I am asking myself now is: Is it possible to be happy and not ignorant at the same time?

I'm already in a terrible position, confused and feeling hopeless, and then I get my last grade back today, a B+ in Philosophy, a class that was suppose to be easy to get an A in, according to his past grade distributions. I'm not going to be on Dean's list this semester for the first time. Again, I'm trying to rebuild my life here, trying to fix all the wrongs of my past, and then this happens. The one accomplish I had is now gone. What exactly am I suppose to do? How do I do this... with nothing?

Nothing at all.
If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is.

Why don't I get better at anything?

Freedom of mind.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

all this inside of me builds up can't hold it in all the time the truth must come out


I don't care about seeing my friends anymore I'm dead when I'm around them

I don't care about anything anymore BECAUSE I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck

and I can't be freed from this madness

all of it running all over me now like a high stakes race can't keep it in anymore

tired so tired of this life I'm tired of the same feelings every night

the simple things I can't have like in a glass container that you can't reach

its like I'm walking in the store with my past holding its hand like a kid holds their mothers hand and I'm looking around and seeing all that life has to offer in its glass display cases and I plead "can I please have that????" like a kid and my past says

Oh, that's Love Chris. You can't have that.
And don't even bother answering about Self-Esteem or Peace of Mind, you can never have that?

You wasted you're fucking life Chris. You'll never be able to redeem yourself. You'll never get what you want. You'll keep living this life were the real you is deep inside you yelling screaming "LET ME OUT!" but its stuck way down there and it isn't coming out.

and it really comes down to this: if I could be myself then someone will care about me and then I can buy them a Christmas gift, something special for them, and I can hand it to them and they will smile and I be lost in the smile, because that's all I want is that accepting, loving smile for once in my fucking life of loneliness self hatred regret YEARS OF REGRET that's all I want.

a smile.

a smile.

a smile

a smile.

and I'm sure that most of this post made very little sense but I'm in a crazy mood right now BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I'm tired of being in the state of mind that I AM BROKEN AND NEED TO BE FIXED
and UNTIL I HAVE FIXED I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.

I'm tired of it.

tired of it.

my heart begs pleads yearns hopes violently throbs within me ITS TIRED OF BEING ATTACKED by all these NEGATIVE feelings
and my lungs
my lungs
they ARE TIRED
of not being able to breath
without DIFFICULTY.

and my mind
oh my mind
WISHING
that it could get out of this nightmare
and LISTEN TO MUSIC
and not THINK
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE MUSIC
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE ANYTHING
and I can watch a basketball game and not think
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, YOU COULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON A SPORTS TEAM.

and it always ends with

YOU ARE NOTHING.

and I'm tired.

of that being the truth

WITHIN ME

I search DAY AND DAY AND DAY AND NIGHT IT'S ALWAYS THERE

trying to find someway to accept myself

BUT ITS A BATTLE I'M NOT WINNING

I'm losing.

and all I want is to be normal.

have friends that are like me (whoever I am)
feel affection once and awhile
and to feel pride of something I have done
once and awhile

it always comes down to that
always
always
always
always
always
always
always


I'm holding on the bars of the jail cell
let me out
I say
I scream
let me out of this nightmare

let that girl actually think of me
let my life not be this empty
let me DO something with my life
let me bring joy to people

let me free
Have you ever felt trapped before?
Actually trapped?

What's the ending to this story?
Because I'm tired.
real tired.
of this feeling

words can't describe this state of mind.

free me.

save me.

It's part of life.

To me, nothing matters if it doesn't have a chance to fix the problems that resonant within me. All I've been able to figure out is things that will not be able to fix it. I'll like to find some things in the other category now. It's been three long, long years. I want to feel again. I want to love again. I want to know what it feels like to wake up and feel, ok. I want all of that. But if the piece isn't there, I can't. I've learned that now, especially this past year. Without pride, without some kind of actual hope that my life will not always been this empty mess, and that my incompetence will not forever ruin me.. I will never be able to feel okay again. I want to, desperately.

Redecorating my room because I can't redecorate my life.

How do you make a life from nothing?

pathetic was four years ago

I know I'm not good enough but doesn't anyone want to help....

It isn't right.

I need to make better decisions, and learn how to communicate.

I need true hope that my life can be different someday. That there is still time to fix things. That I haven't done permanent damage.

If I didn't have relatively easy finals and a great schedule, I would problem ending up failing all of them, I'm in that bad of state right now.

I need to stop caring even if I have nothing. even if I have nothing.

I need to let it all go.

I'm just tired of feeling like shit every single day. I'm tired of feeling so inferior, but I can't make the feelings stop.

Last week I was stood up on what should have been my very first date, ever, at the age of 21. When I knew he wasn't coming, I called my best friend in tears, but she had left her phone at her boyfriend's house. When I told him, he said to wait, and arrived in ten mins with flowers for me. He GMH.

I don't think the concept of "self-esteem" even exists in my body in my body anymore.

lightning comes and lightning goes and its all the same to me.

and I see the pictures and the smiles and the love there everywhere and I want it to be in that picture more than anything I'm tired of sending my mind to those happy places of love and acceptance I want my body to come too but its stuck stuck stuck

and I see those pictures and the hell of loneliness takes over and I want in and I don't want to be alone anymore I want to be in the picture


let me in the picture you can black out my face if its not good enough just give my a heart a chance

give my heart a chance

and that's what it is at the end of the day: this overwhelming, utterly painful loneliness. the amount of pain I'm in now.

please somebody help me

Wasn't a wallflower for one night.

I don't feel or think I can do anything.

Failure my entire life. What am I to feel good about?
No pride at all.
no self-esteem.
no confidence.
I have never felt more worthless.

Should I say good-bye to love? Because I don't see anyone loving me for a long time. I'm not even sure if it's possible.

You feel like you're making real progress and maybe someday I can be happy again but no, everything just falls off the cliff.

Let me just give you a piece of my psyche right now:

Okay. One of the only things I have ever accomplished in college, and in my life is to acheive Dean's list throughout my freshman year. The prospect of me attaining that achievement for another semester is very unlikely, as I am probably going to get a C at best in Spanish, and that would require me to get straight A's in my other classes, a very hard feat to accomplished. So basically I'm looking at the only thing in my life that was giving me a HINT of self-worth about to evaporate. There is honestly nothing else I do well right now.

I was a fuck up child who didn't play sports because I wasn't naturally aggressive and did not have any natural confidence.
I quit playing instruments because I didn't care and wanted more free time. fuck me.
I never performed in plays and anything like that because I was always too timid.
The only thing I ever did was do well in school, and then the pleasant realization came that I was a hard worker and really not all that intelligent.

So basically, there was nothing at all that I did well. Nothing.
and I've been trying to fix this problem for years.
years.
and years.
trying to find SOMETHING that I can do. find SOMETHING I can take pride in. SOMETHING to derive some meaning from an otherwise worthless experience.
all while
being completely destroyed inside by loneliness
how many tears of loneliness have I shed? too much to count.
but I push forward every day.
I haven't given up in the most bleak times.
never doubting that I would eventually find something to take pride in, feel good amount, get some sort of worth from, so I can believe in myself again and stop being a self-absorbed fuck-up asshole motherfucker who is one of the luckiest people alive because of all I've been given - health, a loving family, all my basic needs fulfilled and endless opportunities but I waste it all? I do nothing? how could I not hate myself? yeah, I didn't know better. but I still need to blame myself.

because then, nobody can hate me, they can just be indifferent towards me, like people always have.

what has caused this mood?
I got a terrible grade back in Spanish, a 71 on a presentation that I thought was good enough for a B. I acknowledge: I fucking suck at speaking spanish. does that mean I don't try. No, I try even harder, and I know even if I try mt hardest, I'm still only a B. but no, for this presentation, even with all my effort, I was a fucking 71. worst grade in the class.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
so there's no way I can continue this minor. I'm not good enough. the grades speak for themselves.
so worst possible scenario: I try my hardest at something, but yet my lack of SKILL and TALENT holds me back.
that's been my whole life.
I honestly have never had SKILL or TALENT in anything.
and it's killing me.
I have so little options because I have experience in NOTHING at all because of stupid fucking past. so what am I to do?
where do I go?
and none of my friends understand this.
none of my family does.
I'm completely alone.
and I'm suffering.
just trying to find ONE SOURCE OF PRIDE.
but I can't.
and I keep trying.
and I keep feeling lonely.
not good enough.
never good enough.
wasting my fucking time with these problems when I should be living the good life, giving to other people, because I was suppose to be one of the lucky ones.

all I want in my life is one source of pride.
people who understand and care about me.
and maybe once
even for a minute
30 seconds
10 seconds
1 second
someone to love me for who I am.
and to not feel unlovable
for that 1 second.

and then.
I can devote myself to others.
because I am so goddamn lucky.
to have this life.
to have what I have.
and I'm sick and tired and not being able to use what I have for good.
instead I wallow in pain and misery every minute and every day.
feeling worthless.
all because I can't find a goddamn source of pride.
and because no one loves me.
and no one ever has.

and that's my story.

and that's why I'm crying right now.

for all of you that can feel happiness, even for a few minutes each day.

be thankful.
please.
be thankful.
what I would give
to feel actual happiness again.

...

I can see rock bottom.

I will bring meaning to my life. I will do it.


I will do it.

I will do it.

I hate making important decisions alone.

my thoughts speeding by ignoring the red lights they won't stop. I need some control. a stabilizer. something.

if only I wasn't... fuck

Incredibly bad mood today.

I need to figure out my life.