all this inside of me builds up can't hold it in all the time the truth must come out


I don't care about seeing my friends anymore I'm dead when I'm around them

I don't care about anything anymore BECAUSE I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck

and I can't be freed from this madness

all of it running all over me now like a high stakes race can't keep it in anymore

tired so tired of this life I'm tired of the same feelings every night

the simple things I can't have like in a glass container that you can't reach

its like I'm walking in the store with my past holding its hand like a kid holds their mothers hand and I'm looking around and seeing all that life has to offer in its glass display cases and I plead "can I please have that????" like a kid and my past says

Oh, that's Love Chris. You can't have that.
And don't even bother answering about Self-Esteem or Peace of Mind, you can never have that?

You wasted you're fucking life Chris. You'll never be able to redeem yourself. You'll never get what you want. You'll keep living this life were the real you is deep inside you yelling screaming "LET ME OUT!" but its stuck way down there and it isn't coming out.

and it really comes down to this: if I could be myself then someone will care about me and then I can buy them a Christmas gift, something special for them, and I can hand it to them and they will smile and I be lost in the smile, because that's all I want is that accepting, loving smile for once in my fucking life of loneliness self hatred regret YEARS OF REGRET that's all I want.

a smile.

a smile.

a smile

a smile.

and I'm sure that most of this post made very little sense but I'm in a crazy mood right now BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I'm tired of being in the state of mind that I AM BROKEN AND NEED TO BE FIXED
and UNTIL I HAVE FIXED I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.

I'm tired of it.

tired of it.

my heart begs pleads yearns hopes violently throbs within me ITS TIRED OF BEING ATTACKED by all these NEGATIVE feelings
and my lungs
my lungs
they ARE TIRED
of not being able to breath
without DIFFICULTY.

and my mind
oh my mind
WISHING
that it could get out of this nightmare
and LISTEN TO MUSIC
and not THINK
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE MUSIC
YOU CANNOT PRODUCE ANYTHING
and I can watch a basketball game and not think
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, YOU COULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON A SPORTS TEAM.

and it always ends with

YOU ARE NOTHING.

and I'm tired.

of that being the truth

WITHIN ME

I search DAY AND DAY AND DAY AND NIGHT IT'S ALWAYS THERE

trying to find someway to accept myself

BUT ITS A BATTLE I'M NOT WINNING

I'm losing.

and all I want is to be normal.

have friends that are like me (whoever I am)
feel affection once and awhile
and to feel pride of something I have done
once and awhile

it always comes down to that
always
always
always
always
always
always
always


I'm holding on the bars of the jail cell
let me out
I say
I scream
let me out of this nightmare

let that girl actually think of me
let my life not be this empty
let me DO something with my life
let me bring joy to people

let me free
Have you ever felt trapped before?
Actually trapped?

What's the ending to this story?
Because I'm tired.
real tired.
of this feeling