I would never want to go through all of this again, but I don't think I ever really had a choice. It was necessary. It is necessary.

I'm just a normal boy who sank went he fell overboard...

I'm done riding this wave of of ups and downs. I need to find the shore.

Life shouldn't be this way -- feel this way.

I haven't been able to relax in so long.

My first true laugh in weeks tonight.

I believe in myself. I do.

I wake up and instantly all my worries rush into my head.



I have faith in myself. I've never give up.

A summer of firsts. How much I haven't lived. =(
It's saddening.

I can't wait for the day that I can truly, wholly, laugh again.

I'm tired of all the stress. It's too much. How do I fight through it all?

I wish I had someone to watch Good Will Hunting with.

Life doesn't have to be this way, I just have to figure out how I can make it different.

Had a dream last night: I was watching TV, and someone started singing on the program I was watching. Singing beautifully. I watched for a little while, and then went into another room and started crying hysterically. Why? Because I wished I could produce something beautiful.

I can only free myself.

Getting the CA position would be good news. I don't usually receive good news. I think about making the phone call to my mom or my friends, telling them that something good happened in my life. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I really wish I had confidence in my career path.

The problems that you have on a regular basis: most people don't even think about them. They just come naturally.

No more proving to myself whether or not I am smart, skilled or talented, and allowing those thoughts to dictate my moods. I'm just going to be and eventually my competencies will arise.

I know my life would be better if I had more things: more friends, more competence, more activities, but I have to work with what I have. Something I have neglected to do for a very long time.

Life can be different than this.

It's a deeply ingrained issue that will not be truly solved for a long time.
I'm trying to remove my thoughts from it, not let my life center around it anymore, try to live on a more daily basis. I've changed, if I keep going in the right direction, eventually I will find a life for me. I will find what I am looking for. Now it's up to be to continue to change my mindset, stop my worrying habits (which have plagued me my whole life), make the changes that have always needed to be made. Feeling depressed over it, even though it is so easy to, has run its course. Slowly, I will emerge. I will slowly remove the conditions from my happiness, but I will still always have my desires. They will be stars now, instead of daggers, high up in the sky, and I will always be reaching for them.

One of the better weekends I've had in a long time.
With all the chaos in my life, in my mind, I have finally rediscovered my family and my home are places that I can still enjoy, places that are separate from it all. I loved seeing my Mom, Dad, Brother and everyone else. Through everything I've been through, they have been there. I don't have to worry about their acceptance. I feel bad about all the years I spent rejecting them because they weren't fixing my problems. I don't blame them anymore, how long can you hold onto the past, even when it is so painful? I love them for who they are. I couldn't ask for a better family, I truly mean that. =)

I can't worry about most of the things I worry about anymore.
None of it matters really, what really matters is the hole in the core.

Can I focus on that with acceptance still in place?

I only have two lyrical stanzas memorized:

the sun makes life and takes it away
but like all the greats, it'll burn out someday
She said: I don't mind, I don't want to get bored
I don't want to be beached on this shore
I want to be that star

---

sorry drips into your heart through a pinhole
like a faucet it leaks and there is comfort in the sound
and while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is going to drown

I need to find what I can do.

Years removed from possible competence.

These are my teenage years.


Make jokes to distinguish myself because I have nothing else.

I can't talk about what I do.

I can't talk or can I? I don't know.

I don't know.

energy.

I need to do another intense thinking session. The Two Weeks of Hell are over.
Acceptance seemed possible.
It may be, I just need to regroup.

There is very little to me that isn't negative.
My depression has made it much more difficult for me to connect.
I want this all to be for something. All these years of pain. I don't want them to be like a coma.
I can't be myself because of the hole inside of me.
I still need a life.
It's hard for me to be around people because I have so little to offer them.

What's next?
I need to think about all these years.
I really do.
What does it all mean?
There must be something I can do.

What do I know about besides sports?
Same problems.

As long as I have my friends and family, and a hope, a relentless hope that things will be better someday, I'll be okay. I'll get through this.
I needed the last two weeks to rediscover my family and to provide the extra push that letting go is the only way.
Now it's the future. If I think about it too much, I will have many doubts.

I won't think about it so much.

And it's the needs that aren't being met. The loneliness, even though its blocked away by other hurtful emotions, its the loneliness, the lack of experience, the waiting for my life to begin, the mistakes, the constant mistakes, and the a future with a dim light on. I just want things to be okay, for me to feel okay. I'm a good guy.
I think if I put a lid on the career stress then the momentum from the relief of that will allow me to accept my life as it is. Accept who I am. I think I could be loved, if I accept my life and am consistent with my moods.
I have my family. I love my family. I have my good heart.
I can get by with that, I just can't handle the stress anymore of making mistakes with my career. Everyone makes mistakes, but mine just seem to be so much worse, and harder to intake.

I never want to wake up feeling like this again.
It is the worst way to feel.

I feel something brewing.

Why didn't I continue Spanish? Yes, lack of skill, taking the year off, poor writing, inadequate prepartion.

But also, because I didn't want to take a risk.

Biology.

Same thing.

My life. The same thing.

I always played it safe.

and now its all backfiring.

What I was afraid would happen if I took a risk.

If I ever think about all that has gone wrong in my life, I will never be happy.

I have to think that things have to turn around someday. It can't go on like this.

I have a lot of work to do with my life.
Everyone else seems to be going places, having plans, having futures.
Italy, two minors, clubs. English honor society.
Internship, England, LSATs? (practice problems?)
I'm all over the place.
Psychology? Criminology? Creative Writing? Biology? Job? Internship? Summer Class?
I'm severely weakened by my past.
I didn't realize how much my problems have taken life away from me.

I also noticed: They went through the same things I did, every does: wasted classes, hard decisions, making independent decisions.

Wow. I will think about this conversation in the future, because it displayed a lot.


I need to get my head straight, whatever it takes, whatever sacrifices I need to make.
That's the only way I will ever get my life on track.

The loneliness, the meaningless, the purposeless, the lack of connections. I can't focus on them.
They hurt. They would cause most people to be miserable. I've paid by dues to misery.
And the only way they will disappear if it I get my life on track. A regular schedule. Doing things.
Feeling good about my future again. Making efforts to talk to people despite all of this.
I never accepted them. I never could. Now I will. As long as it takes. It's the only way.

Get my head straight.
Figure out what I want in life.
Get it.

And I won't be doing it alone.
I have my family. They will always be there.
Doing what they can.

I'm focusing on things that I can control. After all these years of suffering - that I needed to do - I'm maybe finally getting to the point where I need to focus on what I can do, whatever it is, and build on it.

I just don't want to lose who I am through all of this.
The funny, crazy Chris.
He's still in there.
I love him.

I don't want him to go away.

I'm finally focusing on the future.
Maybe I won't get anywhere.
but it's better than focusing on the past.

A new concept of myself will arise.

Other people do things. Lots of things.
I need to start doing things too.

I'm going to try my best to not feel bad about things that I usually feel bad about.

I just don't want to feel that I am accepting my problems because other important things have arisen in my life. I want to feel that I am accepting them because that is what I would do in any current life circumstance. Well, I did want to let go all of winter break.
Remember the end of last semester? "I need to let go."

And if something did go my way once in awhile, then maybe things would different, but I was looking at life the wrong way (but understandably). Righting the ship.

I need to redefine who I am, without the context. Right now, I have this sense of emptiness, and confusion. Who am I beyond this hell of a life I have lived over the past three years?

The Chris that I like is still here and he will still be around. It's removing the other stuff now.

I need to stop thinking about other people. Comparing to feel better, I mean. I should look at other people for means of example of what one should do with life.

Once my life is together, I'll have those few hours to write, to draw, to learn something new, to practice something. I can't forget to make sure I have those hours. Not work all the time.
Fun still needs to exist.

A mental healing.
It's not all in my mind, but healing my mind will ease the pain. It's the only thing I can control right now.

I hate how dead I am with them.
Unclear.

I have nothing yes.
Nothing to build on.
But the desire to have a future
a life
that I can be proud of.

I am not lesser than everyone in everything.

I'm not me right now. My personality is dormant. It will return once everything begins to settle.

I will have time to relax.
Things will get easier.

I was tired of saying the same thing.

I can't think about who I am all the time.

The hardest part is that maybe if a few things worked out for me, like they do for everyone else, maybe I would be ok right now. Maybe my life would be normal.

Mike - Spanish
Tom - Japanese
Kyle - Music

how come its so hard to get these simple things in my life. I tried for Spanish, but it didn't work.
Why does it never work out for me, but go so much smoother for them?

That's what keeps hurting so, so strong. The chance of connecting, washed away into the dark murky sea.

The hardest part would be if I couldn't be myself to my brother. That would be hard to live with.

Start looking at myself positively. I know what I mean. Not just during the highs. Always.
It will take time.

Even when things look as bleak as they do now, I have to believe that they will get better.

and I hope this is the last path I have to travel out of this.

I need to get more involved, in what I can be involved in.

Now I have to see if I am still me after all of this. We'll see.

other people will have a lot more.
but I have what I have.
and I'm doing what I can.

I can still be me after all of this.

or at least if I am going to think about it, think about it in a positive manner. I mean, I have to be on my side.

remove the context from all my conversations.

people don't view you the way you view you.

Yes my environment brought upon many disadvantages.
I'm still young.
I can still be someone.
I just can't think about it.
Every day.

Removing all the context.

Of course certain things will make me happy. I just need to realize that my life can't revolve around them.
All those days of trying to define myself: smart guy, funny guy, nice guy.

I'm done with that.
I'll figure out who I am someday, by living my life.

everything I did achieve last semester was in spit of my problems, they didn't make me decide to do anything different.

and maybe someday things will work out. Someday things will be okay. For now, I need to let go, and live life day by day. Do what I can to make the best out of every day. Be friendly. Give to others want I want to given to me. Maybe someday I will have that talent, that ability, that meaning, that pride, those connections. This is always going to be my story, but I'm not going to let it run my life anymore, let it take up all my thoughts. I'm not giving up, but this is the only way I will ever get better. It's not caring so much. Acceptance. This is my life. Over the past few years, I have improved myself, but this is the furthest I can go. I know how to live now. I will do my best to be the new person that I am. My life may eventually come around or it may not. Hating every moment of every day is not going to get me anymore. The repetitive thoughts are not going to get me anywhere. This is the only way, as exemplified by last semester. If I live the way I did, I will only be happy in spurts, when a girl comes into my life, when I find success. I need to find acceptance and happiness in some form away from that. It's the only way.It's going to be tough, incredibly tough. and lonely. but I'll have my family, my friends. I'll only worry about my own life, not anyone elses.
Thinking the way I have got me this far. I'm at the destination of this mindset.

I'm Chris Lombardi.
I'll eventually learn who that is, by not focusing on what I'm not.
I'm not many things, but I am some things.
I will learn to remember them, and grow.
and do my best to connect.

and that's it.
It's going to be hard, but my thoughts need to start changing now.
Little by little
I will let go
accept
detach.

Life is hard. I need to have an attitude that can withstand failure.
That's what I'm going to do now.

I'll be proactive.
But I need to be okay with who I am now.
and I think about how hard it will be.
all these images in my mind.
but it's the only way.

I have a good heart. I love my family. I will do my best every day.

-Chris

All the emotions of the summers I haven't lived. Here. Tonight.

I don't ever want to go to sleep.