18 years old and I have yet to feel connected with a female.

I mean how much longer can I shut out the thoughts?

can't feel good about myself. I can't. I can't feel happy with anything. i can't. If I don't stop this, the fall is going to be impossible to recover from. I hate this.

I hate that I can't accept being happy with my life. I hate that I'm so use to be unhappy that I'm scared, actually scared, of when that is going to come back.

I know why I'm so tense all the time. My body is waiting for the fall.

=(

If I were secure, this wouldn't exist.

but I can't secure.
never be secure.
because what makes me feel secure is not going to work. its not going to last. I wish I can keep going up, but I fear so much of going back down, because that's all I've known.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
-Neitzche

I'm tired of everything I want being present in only my imagination.

maybe I'll find a life this year, maybe I'll be okay, maybe someday the hole will go away, but who knows, I can feel the ice breaking, I can see the fall. That's what I set myself up for, to keep falling, falling, falling.


I just know what I'm missing, how imcomplete I am, because whenever something occurs in my life that I truly, deeply desire, like affection or a compliment or an acknowledgment of some sort of worth, the emotion that runs through my body is indescribable. It shows me how much my body is lacking without these things. I feel completely different.

and ok.

let me say this:

I am trying something new this year, because honestly, lastly, if you couldn't tell from my blog posts, was complete hell in my mind.
This year, I'm trying just to not think, not think about anything too deeply, not take apart every single fucking word I say and every action I take in order to find self-worth.
its hard. my mind is still firmly in control.
but I know its what I have to do.
one thing I have to do to.

ok let me tell you something.

you see.

the words aren't here.

ok, let's try this. My mind, continously: I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm worth something, I'm worthless, I'm likable, I'm not likable, I'm lovable, I'm not lovable, some girls definitely could find me attractive, I hope some girls could find me attractive, never felt love before, never been loved, so so lonely, so so lonely, so so lonely, so so lonely...

hearing that sad familiar song once again.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time

I would wish upon a star
but that star, it doesn't shine
so read my book, with a boring ending
a short story of a lonely guy

hate the fact that I can't stop waiting for the ice to break.

this is going to be something.

When will it ever be me?

that's not my life.

"Feeling pain is still better than not feeling, isn’t it?"

Will I ever be able to relax again?

but if you want the truth, come here. to this blog. 

 If you're worried about hearing my story over and over again.. don't worry, I won't talk about it anymore. I won't say a word. I'll just go back to pretending. 

I don't do anything anymore.

seriously, when will this ever end.

Everyone else's bad times seem to pass. When will mine pass?

A mean there are parts of me that are okay, I have a personality somewhere in here that I like, I have good values, I can be compassionate. There are things I like. I can't function without the missing pieces though. and those missing pieces seem to be unattainable.

"Time Won't Let Me Go"

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If you gave me back those years
I'd do it all better I swear
Time won't let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba...

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba...

-The Bravery

I just want to yell, yell, yell and get all of this out of me. I wish I could cry until all this emotion left me and I could feel okay.

I never feel okay. Always troubled. Can't sleep because of it. Can't connect with others. At all. Or if I do, I get nervous, anxious, and close myself off, because I can't open myself up because of all these emotions. I feel like what's inside isn't worth much and I feel that if I open up that fact will be exposed.

I can't stand it. I really can't stand it.

To have nothing and feel incapable of ever getting something.

This is me.

Frankly I'm tired of all this pain and misery. Having a life I don't want and being a person that I don't like. Realizing more and more how legitimate my feelings are and therefore how misunderstood I am by those around me. I don't want to be this way.

All summer I've tried to figure out this life and get to somewhere I want to be, but I haven't been able to get there. I don't even know where I'm going.

I feel empty, lonely, incomplete and incompetent.

College soon, sophomore year. Am I excited? I don't get excited anymore.

low again. real low.

I feel a long post coming soon.

overflowing.

If only there was something to feel good about, then I would allow myself to be happy.

I see the problem.
I feel the problem.
Still searching for answers.
Still searching...

really bad.