Some days it seems so easy to put it all behind me, but I know its a false hope. The only way I will know if I am starting to come to terms with my past is if when the thoughts arise from their graves, my emotions do not fall down the shaft of pain and inferiority, and I am able to stay above the surface. Keeping them off my mind does not mean that I am okay. Keeping them on my mind and not being troubled, destroyed, is the only true sign of recovery. Right now, I don't see that being possible, as there are so many painful memories that still exist in my head, so many memories of incompetence, so many memories of not succeeding, that I can't seem to come to terms with them. My self-esteem has been hit hard by my past, and the bullet wounds are still causing pain, years after they were inflicted. I keep trying to accept them, to speed the recovery, but as they happens, I continue to take hits, and more wounds appear. I've tried to band-aid the wounds, forget about them, move on, but I can't. The wounds need surgery to be healed, and surgery is a difficult process, and right now my chance of a successful surgery seems slim. I don't believe I have the tools to perform the operation. Every time I seem to be making process, more pain arrives, and I've forced to drop a tool and find a new one. I'm running out of tools.