everyone is a mixture of certain ingredients

good and bad

maybe finally

I'm starting to discover my good ones

remembering the days when I use to breath.

oh

what ive been through emotionally the last few years

redefining everything

I'm becoming less afraid.




gotta keep my mind in check. it has a habit of getting ahead of itself.

I need a stabilizer.

teaching myself how to value inner beauty.

I have decided: I will not allow myself to be happy until I have the connections I need/want in my life, because every time I fall, I fall because there is no one to catch me. The connections aren't there.

"you are lonely man who screwed up every opportunity you had in life."

"The first time I took this personality test, I was in my teens searching to understand myself since, like all of you, I have always known I was different and have tested consistently as INFJ ever since. I think our type is incredibly special and I’m glad that there are people like us in the world but at the same time, I’m worried about us. Are we doomed to lead these isolated, lonely existences where we spend our lives feeling for others, watering their gardens, but at the end of the day, we are left alone, forgotten in the corner because no one knows what to do with us?"

we're losing another one

Guess what? I'm alone.

There are two types of darkness that reside in my life: The darkness inside of me, and the darkness around me.

The darkness inside of me emanates from the realization of some of the mistakes I've made in my life, seeing my life for what it is, and being very upset with my current life situation, in almost all regards.

The darkness around me is the unknown. I have yet to experience much life, and therefore most things I try to do are talking leaps into the darkness, a difficult task to do. The fact that I have to make most of these leaps alone, raises the difficulty even more.

As I write this, I realized there is a third darkness in my life, that in the minds of those around me. Most people around me don't understand what I am going through and what I feel I need to do in order to reach a more normal ratio of happiness/sadness. I feel like, if people did, a few people who know that what I need most is someone who sits down with me, asks me "What do you think you need to do to fix this?" and then goes along with me, just because they care. I'm not saying complete dedication, just being there with me when I need to do something I see as progressing in the right direction. If there were people in my life who are looking of the same thigns I am: A place to fit in, an identity, meaning, excitement, connections, then that would be even more helpful. We could work together.

I don't think people see that part of feelings of insignificance come from that fact that it seems like I'm not important for anyone to care about as much as I need them to right now. The idea that no one wants to help me on this journey. Very sad, but seemingly true...

But then I think, there have been a few times when people have asked "What can I do?" and I tell them to just listen. Even though I don't believe these people understood my situation, they did ask to help, which I am thankful for. However, this happens only sparingly, and at those times I was not aware of what I needed.

Now I know.

IT NEVER STOPS.

I'm 22 years old and I'm about to go on my first date. I've never felt so beautiful. GMH.

"When I entered middle school I saw this super cute seventh grade boy. I liked him ever since that day even though we NEVER talked. Then one day in my sophomore year he came up to me during lunch. He said, "You know, I've always thought you were beautiful." That blew me away. We have been married for 11 years. To this day he GMH."

"The other day I was babysitting for a 7 year old boy and he asked me if a boy had ever kissed me. When I told him no he grabbed my hand and planted a big kiss on it. His love GMH"

"I woke up one morning to hear the birds outside my window and my mother cooking breakfast downstairs. I've never cried so much in my entire life. I had been deaf since the age of 8."

"A long time ago, I was on the verge of committing suicide when a guy came to the roof to have lunch. He saw me climbing over the railing and asked me to share his lunch with him. After receiving my puzzled look, he explained, "everyone should die happy. or at least with a full stomach." We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last month. GMH."

A boy was dying of cancer and needed an expensive brain surgery, but his family, broke and desperate, couldn't afford it. His 8 yr old took sister Tess took her piggy bank savings to a pharmacist in order to buy a 'miracle'. it just so happens that the right man witnessed the little girl's tears at the pharmacy counter: a neurosurgeon. He performed the surgery for free.

My brother has Down Syndrome and doesn't speak very well. This week while we were down the beach he tried to learn how to skim board.He would try and ask the other boys how they did it and they would laugh at him and walk away. The last day 4 teenage boys spent hours with him teaching him. They were so patient. He wouldn't stop smiling :)They GMH.

I must believe there's more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is disappear

The Bravery

the problem with this life is that when things go wrong (today, I probably didn't do too well on my Spanish or Personality test), there is nothing good to take my mind off of it. they just sit there in mind, constantly haunting me. I'm stupid, I can't do anything right, schoolwork is suppose to be my thing, all these thoughts float around in my mind.

and then there's the other thoughts, you know the ones about how everything is wrong....

this isn't fun.

I need to live in the present.

tengo dolor en mi corazon.

it wasn't me.

I try to imagine it and I can't.

I'm tired of living in a world where everything is painted black.

I just want a happy song to play in the background just once. for once.

the only stories I have are sad ones

I'm too emotional

I look at people's photos and I see them smiling, and I think, why can't that be me? why can't that be me?

I want to give people hope.

I was sick and couldn't sleep and was afraid that I was keeping my husband awake. I told him that I would sleep in the living room since he had to go to work in the morning. He picked up my blankets and pillows and joined me in the living room because he didn't want me to sleep alone. HIs love GMH.

I suffer from severe depression. I try to keep that part of me away from friends because I'm worried they'll judge me for it. After revealing this to a dear friend via email, he went silent. I went to bed feeling worse than ever. Early the next morning, there was a knock at the door. He had driven all night to see me, just to give me a hug. GMH.



can't people see

that's all I need

"Lately my dad has been really angry and distant, and i feel like it's just wearing my mom down. I went home to visit today and found a journal in the bathroom. Each day my dad writes a new thing he loves about my mom and leaves it for her to read. GMH"

"Today my boyfriend and I spent the entire day together. While we were laying on the grass and talking, he told me I made him the happiest man on earth. My boyfriend has been clinically depressed for the last 6 months. This definitely GMH."

My dad owns a small business that isnt doing so well right now. Hes known the other employees for a very long time. He always makes sure that they get paid, even when he doesnt. He doesnt tell them, but he takes money out of his savings for them.

I was always shy in high school, new to the area, felt like people didn't care, & just lived in the background. Then at graduation I got an award for never missing a day of school since kindergarten & as I walked onstage, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was the happiest I've ever felt. GMH

Saw this on FML: "Today, I went to buy lunch at a grocery store. The total was 3 pounds, and my card got rejected for insufficient funds. I fished about for change, and found I only had 2 pounds. A homeless man behind me in the queue then offered to give me the remaining pound. A homeless man paid my lunch. FML"

FML?? GMH!

A little girl was dying of cancer and her younger brother had a match for the bone marrow she needed. The doctors told him it was a matter of life and death. After he had the surgery, he asked the doctors how long he had to live. He thought if he gave his bone marrow to let his sister live he would die but he did it anyway. GMH

After reading every GMH on the site, I texted and emailed all my friends and relatives, telling them how much they mattered to me and that I loved every single one of them. Within an hour, everyone had replied back telling me that they loved me too. Even ones I haven't talked to in years. GMH

"The hardest part for me about my daughter being autistic is that she didn't recognize me as her mother. This week we were pointing at things in a book- "where's the cat?" "where's the ball?" and I asked her "where's the mommy?" and she turned around and pointed at me. GMH"

"I used to work as a restaurant hostess. One day, a gentleman came in, obviously hung over, and asked me to find a particular server for him. Turns out he'd had a lavish dinner, drank too much wine, and woke up the next morning realizing he hadn't tipped well. He drove back just to give his server an envelope full of cash. GMH"

"A few years ago, I attended Ball State University. I saw a guy dressed in a strange manner, riding a motorized scooter shouting 'Happy Friday!' to everyone up and down the main drag while handing out candy. I thought he was just some fraternity pledge until he returned every Friday. It turns out he did it just to see people smile. He GMH."

no I wouldn't give a fuck not a damn fuck about all my weaknesses and my lack of everything that I feel that I lack if I wasn't so alone in every aspect of the word, in all my relationships, everywhere.

so alone.

"Recently, I volunteered at a local foster home. I was drawing with the kids and one of them made a drawing of two stick figures holding hands. I asked him to tell me about it and he exclaimed, "It's love!." A 7 year old with no family explained to me what love is, he GMH."

I just want people to see that this is real

its also hard to accept rejection when you don't really have many other options... all you see is... no one.

I don't ever want to think that a girl is "out of league" and that is the reason why I was rejected, because if I succumb to the league theory, I would discover that I in fact have no league, and therefore would have a chance with nobody.

I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, not another train.

and nights like these I see all there is

and how much more there needs to be.

no matter how hard I try.....

its always back to this.

"A few days ago, I saw graffiti in our school bathroom. Etched into one of the doors was "Does love exist?" The rest of the door was covered in answers. Every single one said "Yes" I never thought that vandalism could GMH."

my life still lacks so much control.

need to remember reality.

need to fast forward to saturday right now


edit: fuck this

I don't feel right. I don't know why.

you're it

a birthday card.

ex.

what's missing

need that confirmation

and I just thought, I want this part of my life to begin.

saw a girl sitting alone today at dinner
my heart ached for her
the only difference between me and her is that she's not in disguise.
nobody should be alone
nobody deserves to be alone
nobody does
=(

I want to show you everything
and then I want you to stay

nobody thinks twice

yesterday something good happened.

I was reading a post secret book in my friends room

and I was reminded

that there are other people like me that exist

that are lonely, lost, confused about their lives, don't like themselves, have regrets

they are out there somewhere.

I have all these songs that I want to sing but I have no one to sing them to.

so so so so so so so so so so so so tense

someone helppppp me relax

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkk

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

fuck


will probably delete this by tomorrow
but I needed to do this now


fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

lonely hearts club.

I don't think anyone understands that this is years and years and years and years and years of loneliness stored up inside of me.

because I feel worthless
because I have no one


that's what it always is

"It hurts just to wake up
Whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside
So tired of looking in"

"I forget the last time I felt brave
I just recall insecurity
'Cause it came down like a tidal wave
And sorrow swept over me

Depression, please cut to the chase
And cut a long story short
Oh, please be done
How much longer can this drama afford to run?

Fate looks sharp
Severs all my ties
And breaks whatever doesn't bend
But sadly then,
All my heavy hopes just pull me back down again"

it never leaves

always there

I'm crying inside

but no one can see

I see who they could be.

no matter how much it hurts I must keep going

no matter how incompetent I feel I must keep doing

no matter how much it hurts

netsfan129poetry.blogspot.com

terrible mood.

I wish I could capture this feeling in a bottle and release it every once and awhile to remember what it feels like.

I feel hope... like... real hope.

What will it take for me to feel I am a person of value and accept it? When will I finally believe that a good mood is always followed by a more severe bad mood? When will I accept that even though life sucks overall... it doesn't have to ALWAYS suck, and I can actually be happy with myself?

I think sometimes that through all of this, I have gathered a very unrealistic, exaggerated feeling of what loving someone feels like, but then I think, maybe love is the one thing you can't exaggerate.

loneliness

I feel...so...alive...


first time in awhile I am reminded of what it is like to feel normal

dead mood. I missed these times.

I talk on the phone and its like I'm on autopilot.

I can't stand it.



maybe I do need to move away from here. maybe its the only way.

what is going on.

woah. last night/early this morning was....

o_O


sorry, not feeling very descriptive right now.

check back later.

This may seem a bit random, in context of my other entries tonight, but I have to post this.


Nash: I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am... you are all my reasons.


I love, absolutely love, this quote.

I love love.

Who is this person who actually can hold a conversation?
Who is this person that actually is friendly?
Who is the person who actually seems to have some sort of intelligence?
Who is this person who actually isn't afraid of hanging out with people?
Who is this person who actually might someday somehow have a life?
Who is this person who actually says what he means to say?

I mean, this isn't me. I mean, it is me, but it can't be. All the things I've wanted to be, suddenly, I'm them. All last year I suffered from not being to speak, being socially awkward, being the opposite of lively, an overall mess I was. Now I'm actually a person, that I like.
but I'm incomplete. therefore, the hate is still sitting just below the surface.