Kickball today - more incompetence. One of the last to be picked. Performed very poorly. =/. Obviously the way I believe see me isn't too far off from reality. The thing is, I don't know why they would think I wasn't good at the game, since most people on my floor haven't seen me engage in any physical activity. I performed the way they thought I would perform though. =/.

So oh well.

Here's what I'm thinking: I guess the only thing I can do is try to minimize the thoughts of inferiority as much as possible, so that they don't consume me like they do now and continue to try to find myself. I know I can never eliminate those thoughts until I truly know who I am and am proud of that person. I should have time this summer. I've also been sleeping better, my strategy of only giving myself 6-7 hours to sleep instead of 8-9 is working fairly well. So time + adequate energy should do me some good. I just hope I can come back to college next year, feeling better than I do now, at least a little more comfortable, so my inferiority doesn't limit from experiencing all this college has to offer, most notably, the people. I'm glad that even though I spent 95% of this year of college feeling absolutely terrible, it didn't stop me from meeting some truly great people. Some people I met this year truly impacted me, and I hope those friendships last. I'd like to build upon this year, meet more people, do more things, live life.

Someday I'll walk into any room and I'll be able to think that I'm ok. That I'm not flawed, and believe that a friendship with me is seen as desirable. Someday I'll be able to go to bed without hundreds of thoughts and terrible feelings.. someday I'll be able to relax again. Truly relax.

Someday, come soon ok, please.