I felt a little alive today.

A weekend of complete incompetence. Disconnection. Self-hate.

Like a tiny black hole...engulfing everything I ever was...

I have no idea who I am, what I like, where I'm going, what I care about. My life right now is completely up in the air.

Passing feeling of myself tonight.

Once there was a great storm,
Pushed my head beneath the waves,
I was gone.

http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/love/31.html

makes me smile. that's all I've ever had, the ability to enjoy the concept of love, the idea. oh what a wonderful, truly wonderful feeling it must be. to love and be loved.

And my emptiness is outwardly expressed. I'm sorry everyone. Just bare with me. Or lend me a hand.

I know.

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you....

I'm just so fuckin depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm startin to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent but I just can't admit or come to grips
With the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shit so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you'd have to walk a thousand miles...

Chrous

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me, I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find, look at shit through each others eyes

*Singing*
But don't let them say you ain't beautiful
They can all get FUCKED, just stay true to you

Verse 2
I think I'm startin to lose my sense of humor, everythings so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I got to check the temperture of the room just as soon as
I walk in, it's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that, then it opens the door for coversation, like I want that
I'm not looking for extra attention, I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fuckin man servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass
And laugh at every single joke I crack and half of them aint even funny like
"Ahh, Marshall you're so funny man you should be a comedian, god damn"
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we ain't gotta trade our shoes, and you aint gotta walk no thousand miles

Chrous

Verse 3
Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in, in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid, even if it meant actin stupid
And Aunt Edna was told me, keep makin that face it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standin there holdin my tongue tryna talk like "thissss"
Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then, cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin, it's probably 110 percent different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's, let's see if you could fit your feet...

Chrous

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everyone has their private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you....

*Talking*
Yeah, to my babies, stay strong. Dad will be home soon. And to the rest of the world, God gave you them shoes, to fit you, so put them on and wear em. Be yourself man. Be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny, don't ever let anyone tell you, you aint beautiful.


Eminem - Beautiful

Well this is it. Summer 2009 begins today. Finally I'll have the time to make some impact, make some progress in this life of mine, I want to leave all this behind. Well not all of it, but all the inferiority, discontent, jealousy, insecure, I want it to go, I want it gone. These feelings have ruled my life and I'm at the point where I can't handle how much life I miss out on because of them. This summer I need to find myself or at least finally feel like I'm on the right road. Feel proud of myself. Find some value for myself, feel like I'm going somewhere, get that direction in my life that I have not been able to find. I want emotion back, I want true emotion back, I want that true laughter back, that true joy, I want it all back. I want love, I want love. My emotions have been drained, I can feel the hole inside me, I know what's missing. I lived life the wrong way in my respects for most of my life, and I suppose that a two-three year depression period would fit that, but I want to be done. I need to start this next chapter. I want to enjoy these next three year of college, when life is all about your friend and life and experiences and staying up all night and just being around people that you care about. I've never had that, I realize now. Never really had that true, closeness with anyone, the kind where you can just go over there house and hang out all night... doing whatever. That kind. I want to feel missed and miss other people. I want to be significant. My life thus far has lead me down a path of mostly insignificance.

This summer I want to actually feel like I have made progress, because I know now all the signs of fake progress, when I truly believe that I've made a break though when I haven't. All those times I've never fixed the underlying issue, they were just methods to get around it. The underlying issue is I don't know myself and don't feel any pride in myself. If I find some direction, start doing things I like to do and finally forming an identity then I know that constitutes true progress. I need this to happen. If anyone could go inside my head and see how much this destorys, you'd understand. People see it as an issue, but nobody can truly understand the extent it affects me without going inside that dark place. When you strongly desire something, like for me, love and experiences of true emotion, and you can never get there, it just builds up and builds up. It grows, it consumes.

So this is it. Now is the time. Summer 2009. I want to be able to say in August, when its all set and done "I had a great summer" and truly feel that way. It can happen. I know it can.

The qoute of the top of my journal, so fucking perfect: "I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Almost done with this year. It's gotten so hard lately.. I need summer. I need revival. I need to figure myself out. I'm not going through another year like this. I can't.

(-_-)

I've never truly thought that I was good enough for anyone, but today is one of those days when I don't feel I'm good enough to even LIKE anyone, as I feel it is insulting/degrading to them in some way. And also, I guess its because when I do have feelings for someone, it is because in my mind/heart I feel that there is a slight, slight chance that I am a respectable candidate for them. On today's like today, I don't see how anyone could see me in that way.

This task of creating of positive self-image sometime in the near future is quite daunting given my current position.

And today was another day when I could barely formulate one coherent sentence to come from my mouth. I know most other people don't notice or are use to it by now, and I also know that thinking about it won't change anything, but still, its so very frustrating to not to even be able to speak.

unrelated to my previous posts tonight but I want to say this: tonight my roommate and I moved our room back to the way it was in the beginning and oh man... what a rush of memories from that time period. wow. I just think back to how my perception of everything was back then... how things have changed about college, and everything else that goes along with it.

sometimes I can describe my mood in one simple word: fuck.

I'm really sorry to everybody that's been around me this past year... I'm sorry that I was always down. many of you probably didn't notice or didn't care if I was.. but I care... I hate the feeling of not being able to offer the best version of myself or at least something close to it on a regular basis. Now its never. 30 mins this week, I felt semi-like myself. 30 mins. I use to be able to get a day. I know I shouldn't hate on who I am - as people have told me they like me for who I am no matter how I act - and I love when people say that - it makes me feel like I didn't burn all the bridges and despite everything there still were a few people that enjoyed me. but that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that Chris has been stuck inside for so long and wants to be set free. I realize that the reason why my true self went away (on a regular basis) is because it was incomplete. That's really it. I had the personality I wanted but what I did, that whole part of me, was not there, was not defined. That's what I need to focus on. I really need to enact an attitude that will allow me to not be so inflicted by inferiority so I can make some actual progress. I am tired of this life I am leading. and to the people in my life who have sought to understand me and be there for me and want to help, thank you for making this life bearable. Really, if it wasn't for you guys, I'd be even worse than I am now.

frustration mounts. Need to break this inferiority complex because I'm not going to lose any more years of my life to it. I'm going to fight it and I'm going to conquer it. So many great people and great experiences I have denied myself, depressing, very depressing.

physically sick + multiple stressors + core issues = one very unpleasant day.