I don't have it. But I need to figure out how to get it.

Things feel out of place.

Not right.

there is still so much I need to know.

I need to change.

it'd be like that, amplified.

How do I make this feel right?

I have a consistent feeling that I cannot sustain a conversation with anyone.

Toning down the need to feel affection. Is that the next step?

If it is, how is it possible?

there's still more I have to do. to feel alright. I need to figure out what.

How do I make this feel different?

I like myself. This is a new thing for me.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is alright.

it's sort of feels good to cry. all that is inside of me can come out

i've come so far.

I'm crying because I care so much about people and I just want someone to care about me.

Four weeks into the semester already (Three weeks and classes + HA training). It's certainly been an interesting ride.

Things have gotten better. Somewhat.

My self image has improved. I still don't have any real take on my identity, but a quote by Bob Dylan has allowed the feelings of confusion to subside somewhat, "All I can do is be me,whoever that is." I hope someday my identity comes into better focus, but I can't force it anymore, I need to let my identity develop naturally, even though the wait for this development is difficult.

More coming later.

I don't ever want to feel like I did last semester ever again.

One day, love will break through the barrier, trickle in like water, and bring life to all that has decayed over the years. The breath I take will be the fullest I have ever taken, and the energy of life will be rapidly flowing through my veins. I live for this moment.

I've gone as far as I can go. I'm ready. I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Just hold my hand. I want to know what that feels like.

I wish it didn't have to hurt this much.

Where are you?

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

I need to change my mind.

Missing that feeling.

How do I not care about something that means so much?

How I rid my self of this unease?

How do I make life feel right?

I just gotta be me.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Everyone else seems to be happy with their lives.

I can't find mine.

I just want to matter to someone.

but I don't deserve it. I'm not special enough.

This rage, it's loneliness. I finally figured it out.

music, take me away.

I can relate to more songs than people.

so so lost.

a break in the clouds.

I knew I was in here somewhere.

h.s.

college.

passing by.

I can't relax.

Life shouldn't feel this way.

=(.

I'm struggling to get that control.

I can't sleep anymore.

I just don't feel right.


I want more.


I'M DIFFERENT.

Stuck in the doldrums.

Haven't written here in awhile.

In the midst of summer 2010.

Need to get my thoughts out one of these days.

The cycle has almost destroyed me.

What do you do when you had close to zero self-esteem, and then you're given ten more reasons to feel even worse about yourself?

Maybe the only way I was ever going to lose this mindset was to be forced to.
I'm making this happen for a reason.

The only way this can get worse is if I get lower than a three this semester, which is definitely possible.

I can't believe how everything fell apart like this.

This will either make or break me.

The final mistake that will set me free.

I need to focus on the good in me, no matter how minimal it is.

My friends, my family, they are all my reasons.

I'm at the point in my life where it can swallow me hole.

But I refuse.

I'll never stop fighting.

I fight for my mom, who has been there for me more than anyone ever could. I love her more than words can describe.

I fight for my brother, who has been such a joy in my life and truly makes me happy when I'm around him, even when I'm dieing inside. I love him too, more than I express.

I fight for my friends, friends that I have somehow have even though I've hated myself for the past four years. They have proven to me that even though I'm filled to the rim with low self-esteem, people can like me.

I fight also for the future in which I can help people live better lives. Whatever I'm doing, I hope that I can make a difference in that regard. It may be idealist, but it's what I feel I want to do.

I want to learn from all the failure, grow from it, and move on.
It just seems as if it's too much failure to handle.

If I'm going to get through this, I'm going to need something to hold on to. Something within. Something that will stabilize me. Remove the context. Let me live my life for today and make my past not be the determinant of everything. It's hard when my past mistakes have caused my life to be miserable now and that I made so many of them.
I wish I could start making better decisions now and rebuild my life, but I can't seem to do it.

It's hitting the same break wall.

Where is the crack?

Things cannot fall any further than they have now: It is official, every aspect of my life is up the air, and the one area of life that was semi-stable, my academics, is now in complete flux as well.


I get it together now, or it's all overboard.

I'm pathetic but I can't seem to do anything about it.

This has always been a self-esteem issue, with depression-like behaviors/emotions, not the other way around.
Therefore, it's not about happiness. It's about feeling ok with myself, as I currently am, no matter how hard that may be.

I lost a lot of life because of all of this.

disoriented.

I went and looked back at my blog posts from last spring break.

The words that I wrote, are the exact same I would be writing now, if I wanted to do a complete life status update.

Scary shit.

I try as hard as I can, every day to move on.

but it always comes back to:

You have nothing.

always.

that's it.
that's everything.

How do I accept that?

From day one, when this all started my sophomore year of high school, when my identity of being smart was vanquished, I began to search for who I was.

I still haven't found anything, four years later.

I'm on a ride that keeps spinning, years now, on this same ride.

Tonight I had a short period of normalcy. I felt like myself. I felt what life would feel like if I wasn't so empty, lonely, insecure, pride-less and uncertain. I was able to picture what kind of high school I could have had. I was able to picture so much.
I must never forget nights like these.

A life of energy and excitement, teenage thrills, memories and strong friendships. On nights like these, I can taste just a small piece of that type of life, and I love it. That's the life I always wanted to have.

And this is why I became this way, because my life deviated so far from what felt right, real, alive.

These thoughts have to stop but I can't stop them.

Not everyone reacts the way to events like you do.

Not everyone lives like you do.


find the difference.

every day there is something new, or many many things new, that can hurt me, drive my self-esteem down, make me feel unwanted, make me feel so, so down.

=(

I probably wasn't on anyone's lists for bigs in APO, except for people I know. I want to meet someone new, the potential friendship is there, and I want that.

but I just feel like its not going to work out, because most of the time it doesn't. another thing to feel down about.

My mind likes to play tricks on me, but really

this is the same thing

over and over again.


How do I take all I have learned

and make a life out of it?

I have a thousand reasons to feel sad.

but

I want to feel happy.

I need to find the way.

because this simply

isn't working.

It's the pain everyday, that won't go away.

I can't sing or dance. I can't play sports well. I can't do anything. I know I can't keep striving for those things, it isn't the right mindset, but how do I not make it hurt so bad?

My thought processes at the nursing home today: Am I really that lacking? My intelligence that low?

Also, why I am so fucking awkward?

I picture how things would be if I had any sort of regular self-confidence.

I want this all to leave me. I want to be free.

Spanish, something I love, would have continued if I had displayed more skill. It hurts, so so much. Did I make the right decision? It seems like it. Or maybe it was my nature once again, hurting me: Did I think too much about it? Could I have continued? Or was I simply not good enough? Did I make the logically decision that I had to make?
I don't want it to feel like the rest of my life, in which I feel like I've made the wrong decisions over and over again. In which I've felt that I'm too hesitant, too fearful, to push myself and struggle a bit to attain something. Where is the line between pushing yourself to achieve and realizing that something is just not in your reach? I don't know.
I could have went to Spain this summer. I could have traveled. I could have really learned Spanish. I could have lived. But I made a decision that stopped me from doing all that.
I didn't have to skill. I had other minors I was interested in at the time, I wanted a chance at them. I didn't think I was going to be able to travel because of the finances. Things ALWAYS seem to change after I make a decison. Now it seems like I could travel. Now it seems like the Spanish minor was one of the only worthwhile minors to have. I could have made so many friends with it as well.

Things change for me week by week, therefore decisions I make anyways seem bad, because my feelings for things change so often. It's so hard to live this like this, always feeling like you're making mistakes.

I'm tired of the worrying. I'm tired of thinking I messed up my friendships. I'm tired of it - all of it. I'm tired of everything on ice. I'm tired of feeling that if I'm not nice - then people will think less of me - because that's what most people compliment me on.

I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is in flux. I'm tired of not feeling in control. I'm tired of not being able to be myself. I'm tired of being troubled. I'm tired of second-guessing, I'm tired of it all. Something needs to change - now. Life shouldn't be this way, and I need to do something about it to change it.

There's always something that is going on to worry about. Once one issue is resolved, another pops up in its place. How do I stop this?

They always said "Happiness, you know, it comes from within." I was always skeptical. How can you be happy when everything else around you is in flames?

Well now I'm ready to give this a try.

I would never want to go through all of this again, but I don't think I ever really had a choice. It was necessary. It is necessary.

I'm just a normal boy who sank went he fell overboard...

I'm done riding this wave of of ups and downs. I need to find the shore.

Life shouldn't be this way -- feel this way.

I haven't been able to relax in so long.

My first true laugh in weeks tonight.

I believe in myself. I do.

I wake up and instantly all my worries rush into my head.



I have faith in myself. I've never give up.

A summer of firsts. How much I haven't lived. =(
It's saddening.

I can't wait for the day that I can truly, wholly, laugh again.

I'm tired of all the stress. It's too much. How do I fight through it all?

I wish I had someone to watch Good Will Hunting with.

Life doesn't have to be this way, I just have to figure out how I can make it different.

Had a dream last night: I was watching TV, and someone started singing on the program I was watching. Singing beautifully. I watched for a little while, and then went into another room and started crying hysterically. Why? Because I wished I could produce something beautiful.

I can only free myself.

Getting the CA position would be good news. I don't usually receive good news. I think about making the phone call to my mom or my friends, telling them that something good happened in my life. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I really wish I had confidence in my career path.

The problems that you have on a regular basis: most people don't even think about them. They just come naturally.

No more proving to myself whether or not I am smart, skilled or talented, and allowing those thoughts to dictate my moods. I'm just going to be and eventually my competencies will arise.

I know my life would be better if I had more things: more friends, more competence, more activities, but I have to work with what I have. Something I have neglected to do for a very long time.

Life can be different than this.

It's a deeply ingrained issue that will not be truly solved for a long time.
I'm trying to remove my thoughts from it, not let my life center around it anymore, try to live on a more daily basis. I've changed, if I keep going in the right direction, eventually I will find a life for me. I will find what I am looking for. Now it's up to be to continue to change my mindset, stop my worrying habits (which have plagued me my whole life), make the changes that have always needed to be made. Feeling depressed over it, even though it is so easy to, has run its course. Slowly, I will emerge. I will slowly remove the conditions from my happiness, but I will still always have my desires. They will be stars now, instead of daggers, high up in the sky, and I will always be reaching for them.

One of the better weekends I've had in a long time.
With all the chaos in my life, in my mind, I have finally rediscovered my family and my home are places that I can still enjoy, places that are separate from it all. I loved seeing my Mom, Dad, Brother and everyone else. Through everything I've been through, they have been there. I don't have to worry about their acceptance. I feel bad about all the years I spent rejecting them because they weren't fixing my problems. I don't blame them anymore, how long can you hold onto the past, even when it is so painful? I love them for who they are. I couldn't ask for a better family, I truly mean that. =)

I can't worry about most of the things I worry about anymore.
None of it matters really, what really matters is the hole in the core.

Can I focus on that with acceptance still in place?

I only have two lyrical stanzas memorized:

the sun makes life and takes it away
but like all the greats, it'll burn out someday
She said: I don't mind, I don't want to get bored
I don't want to be beached on this shore
I want to be that star

---

sorry drips into your heart through a pinhole
like a faucet it leaks and there is comfort in the sound
and while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is going to drown

I need to find what I can do.

Years removed from possible competence.

These are my teenage years.


Make jokes to distinguish myself because I have nothing else.

I can't talk about what I do.

I can't talk or can I? I don't know.

I don't know.

energy.

I need to do another intense thinking session. The Two Weeks of Hell are over.
Acceptance seemed possible.
It may be, I just need to regroup.

There is very little to me that isn't negative.
My depression has made it much more difficult for me to connect.
I want this all to be for something. All these years of pain. I don't want them to be like a coma.
I can't be myself because of the hole inside of me.
I still need a life.
It's hard for me to be around people because I have so little to offer them.

What's next?
I need to think about all these years.
I really do.
What does it all mean?
There must be something I can do.

What do I know about besides sports?
Same problems.

As long as I have my friends and family, and a hope, a relentless hope that things will be better someday, I'll be okay. I'll get through this.
I needed the last two weeks to rediscover my family and to provide the extra push that letting go is the only way.
Now it's the future. If I think about it too much, I will have many doubts.

I won't think about it so much.

And it's the needs that aren't being met. The loneliness, even though its blocked away by other hurtful emotions, its the loneliness, the lack of experience, the waiting for my life to begin, the mistakes, the constant mistakes, and the a future with a dim light on. I just want things to be okay, for me to feel okay. I'm a good guy.
I think if I put a lid on the career stress then the momentum from the relief of that will allow me to accept my life as it is. Accept who I am. I think I could be loved, if I accept my life and am consistent with my moods.
I have my family. I love my family. I have my good heart.
I can get by with that, I just can't handle the stress anymore of making mistakes with my career. Everyone makes mistakes, but mine just seem to be so much worse, and harder to intake.

I never want to wake up feeling like this again.
It is the worst way to feel.

I feel something brewing.

Why didn't I continue Spanish? Yes, lack of skill, taking the year off, poor writing, inadequate prepartion.

But also, because I didn't want to take a risk.

Biology.

Same thing.

My life. The same thing.

I always played it safe.

and now its all backfiring.

What I was afraid would happen if I took a risk.

If I ever think about all that has gone wrong in my life, I will never be happy.

I have to think that things have to turn around someday. It can't go on like this.

I have a lot of work to do with my life.
Everyone else seems to be going places, having plans, having futures.
Italy, two minors, clubs. English honor society.
Internship, England, LSATs? (practice problems?)
I'm all over the place.
Psychology? Criminology? Creative Writing? Biology? Job? Internship? Summer Class?
I'm severely weakened by my past.
I didn't realize how much my problems have taken life away from me.

I also noticed: They went through the same things I did, every does: wasted classes, hard decisions, making independent decisions.

Wow. I will think about this conversation in the future, because it displayed a lot.


I need to get my head straight, whatever it takes, whatever sacrifices I need to make.
That's the only way I will ever get my life on track.

The loneliness, the meaningless, the purposeless, the lack of connections. I can't focus on them.
They hurt. They would cause most people to be miserable. I've paid by dues to misery.
And the only way they will disappear if it I get my life on track. A regular schedule. Doing things.
Feeling good about my future again. Making efforts to talk to people despite all of this.
I never accepted them. I never could. Now I will. As long as it takes. It's the only way.

Get my head straight.
Figure out what I want in life.
Get it.

And I won't be doing it alone.
I have my family. They will always be there.
Doing what they can.

I'm focusing on things that I can control. After all these years of suffering - that I needed to do - I'm maybe finally getting to the point where I need to focus on what I can do, whatever it is, and build on it.

I just don't want to lose who I am through all of this.
The funny, crazy Chris.
He's still in there.
I love him.

I don't want him to go away.

I'm finally focusing on the future.
Maybe I won't get anywhere.
but it's better than focusing on the past.

A new concept of myself will arise.

Other people do things. Lots of things.
I need to start doing things too.

I'm going to try my best to not feel bad about things that I usually feel bad about.

I just don't want to feel that I am accepting my problems because other important things have arisen in my life. I want to feel that I am accepting them because that is what I would do in any current life circumstance. Well, I did want to let go all of winter break.
Remember the end of last semester? "I need to let go."

And if something did go my way once in awhile, then maybe things would different, but I was looking at life the wrong way (but understandably). Righting the ship.

I need to redefine who I am, without the context. Right now, I have this sense of emptiness, and confusion. Who am I beyond this hell of a life I have lived over the past three years?

The Chris that I like is still here and he will still be around. It's removing the other stuff now.

I need to stop thinking about other people. Comparing to feel better, I mean. I should look at other people for means of example of what one should do with life.

Once my life is together, I'll have those few hours to write, to draw, to learn something new, to practice something. I can't forget to make sure I have those hours. Not work all the time.
Fun still needs to exist.

A mental healing.
It's not all in my mind, but healing my mind will ease the pain. It's the only thing I can control right now.

I hate how dead I am with them.
Unclear.

I have nothing yes.
Nothing to build on.
But the desire to have a future
a life
that I can be proud of.

I am not lesser than everyone in everything.

I'm not me right now. My personality is dormant. It will return once everything begins to settle.

I will have time to relax.
Things will get easier.

I was tired of saying the same thing.

I can't think about who I am all the time.

The hardest part is that maybe if a few things worked out for me, like they do for everyone else, maybe I would be ok right now. Maybe my life would be normal.

Mike - Spanish
Tom - Japanese
Kyle - Music

how come its so hard to get these simple things in my life. I tried for Spanish, but it didn't work.
Why does it never work out for me, but go so much smoother for them?

That's what keeps hurting so, so strong. The chance of connecting, washed away into the dark murky sea.

The hardest part would be if I couldn't be myself to my brother. That would be hard to live with.

Start looking at myself positively. I know what I mean. Not just during the highs. Always.
It will take time.

Even when things look as bleak as they do now, I have to believe that they will get better.

and I hope this is the last path I have to travel out of this.

I need to get more involved, in what I can be involved in.

Now I have to see if I am still me after all of this. We'll see.

other people will have a lot more.
but I have what I have.
and I'm doing what I can.

I can still be me after all of this.

or at least if I am going to think about it, think about it in a positive manner. I mean, I have to be on my side.

remove the context from all my conversations.

people don't view you the way you view you.

Yes my environment brought upon many disadvantages.
I'm still young.
I can still be someone.
I just can't think about it.
Every day.

Removing all the context.

Of course certain things will make me happy. I just need to realize that my life can't revolve around them.
All those days of trying to define myself: smart guy, funny guy, nice guy.

I'm done with that.
I'll figure out who I am someday, by living my life.

everything I did achieve last semester was in spit of my problems, they didn't make me decide to do anything different.

and maybe someday things will work out. Someday things will be okay. For now, I need to let go, and live life day by day. Do what I can to make the best out of every day. Be friendly. Give to others want I want to given to me. Maybe someday I will have that talent, that ability, that meaning, that pride, those connections. This is always going to be my story, but I'm not going to let it run my life anymore, let it take up all my thoughts. I'm not giving up, but this is the only way I will ever get better. It's not caring so much. Acceptance. This is my life. Over the past few years, I have improved myself, but this is the furthest I can go. I know how to live now. I will do my best to be the new person that I am. My life may eventually come around or it may not. Hating every moment of every day is not going to get me anymore. The repetitive thoughts are not going to get me anywhere. This is the only way, as exemplified by last semester. If I live the way I did, I will only be happy in spurts, when a girl comes into my life, when I find success. I need to find acceptance and happiness in some form away from that. It's the only way.It's going to be tough, incredibly tough. and lonely. but I'll have my family, my friends. I'll only worry about my own life, not anyone elses.
Thinking the way I have got me this far. I'm at the destination of this mindset.

I'm Chris Lombardi.
I'll eventually learn who that is, by not focusing on what I'm not.
I'm not many things, but I am some things.
I will learn to remember them, and grow.
and do my best to connect.

and that's it.
It's going to be hard, but my thoughts need to start changing now.
Little by little
I will let go
accept
detach.

Life is hard. I need to have an attitude that can withstand failure.
That's what I'm going to do now.

I'll be proactive.
But I need to be okay with who I am now.
and I think about how hard it will be.
all these images in my mind.
but it's the only way.

I have a good heart. I love my family. I will do my best every day.

-Chris

All the emotions of the summers I haven't lived. Here. Tonight.

I don't ever want to go to sleep.

I wish I could continue Spanish. I wish I was good enough. I would love to be able to speak another language. The only reason why I started to dislike it was because the skill wasn't there. The skill wasn't there. Why does this keep happening to me?

I mean, if one thing worked out... one thing, I'd be totally different right now. I'd have a much easier time saying: I may not have much at all going for me, but at least I have this: I will focus on this, grow in this area, and hopefully other things will sprout up along the way. But I've never had that. I've never had that one thing.


I wish I felt my CA interview went better.

After the group interview portion, I felt good about myself. I thought I did well. Man, that feeling, I feel like 1% of the time. I wish I felt it more.

Right after the other interviews, I shot way back down.

If I can just shut all this out, I will. I don't want to suffer anymore. I never want to wake up how I did this morning ever again. I never want to feel how I did this week ever again. Ever again.

I've lost a lot of myself this past two weeks. Lost but still salvageable.

Why has it been so bad? I'm trying to target the problem head on. Fight it in order to accept it.
but there's too much that goes wrong.
Lack of acceptance from my peers.
If there was ever a night where all my friends weren't free, I don't know how I'd be able to handle that.

Maybe I needed to suffer this much in order to accept.
I just can't feel like I did this morning ever again. I can't.

This is college for me.
If I felt okay about myself, It'd be a blast.
I've met some really cool people.
I wish I didn't feel inferior in their presence.

I need believe that Chris Lombardi, despite all my flaws, is not a complete failure, not doomed for the future, and not totally unlikable. As in, people will not lose interest in hanging out with me. Not all of them.
I can't create a social life.
I can't make a girl care about it.
I can't help the fact that despite how hard I try, I cannot seem to do anything well. At age 19, this is hard, very hard to grasp.

This is the lowest I have ever fallen. To get up, I need to use all my strength, my hope that life can be something different than this, and the love of my family.

I will do anything for them.

I just want to feel alright.

there is too much uncertainty in my life. too many huge, suffocating, question marks.

detach, let go, accept.

What I need to do.

the pain is still so strong though.

Maybe if I find one source of pleasure, it will make it easier for the grasp to release.

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

it's not about being cool
it's about being accepted
always being the outside
the unknown
always on the fringe
the spectator

and it's about being OK with myself
at the core
and not being forever alone
and knowing my place
and being proud of it

the few bright spots last semester
covered by darkness

my life is like outer space
without the stars

screaming inside
silence outside

no

I've been in so much pain over the years
I would never do that
I wouldn't want to worry anybody if they found out
I wouldn't do that to my family

I see why people cut themselves
good thing
I'm too much of a pussy
to ever do that

I really really want to cry all this pain out of me.

oh yeah.

did I mention
I'm hideous looking
every time
I look in the mirror

I want to break it


I hate
how bad I look

HOW ugly



hideous

I don't dare look at the cute girl next to me in psychology
I wouldn't want to make her be uncomfortable
you know an ugly guy
trying to be friendly
wouldn't be good

I look down at my desk in shame

and everyone around me

doesn't even realize
what just happened

how me not looking at the girl next to me
has so much meaning
significance

and I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of the constant struggle. I'm losing. I feel dead inside. Soon I'll lose the few friends that I have left.

life, what I have imagined in my head.
all I really want is to fit in somewhere, belong somewhere, and stop being punished for who I was. Be able to start a new life, with the new me.

It's not working though.

and I'm sorry
to everyone
for who I am
I can't help it

people at work
why couldn't we ever be friends?
Why was I never able to create the friendships?

Because I had nothing, and was nobody.

That's the reason why
for almost everything.
and I'm suffering here
day after day

I'm with my friends but I'm not
lying on the bed
half-conscious
hate tearing me apart inside

my mind gone
everything gone

and I wish I wasn't sitting here on a friday night at 2:00 am
typing about how truly miserable I am.
I wish I was with friends
feeling
like I was suppose to be there
feeling ok

or maybe with a girl
no way
not me!
never me

go to bed, not alone?

haha
keep dreaming

or maybe I'm sleeping
actually resting
ACTUALLY SLEEPING

and I'm content
and I'm looking forward to what I'm going to do tomorrow
I'm doing something with myself
I'm going somewhere

the pain

the absolute

horrific

pain

of being alone

and seeing no hope in sight

just seeing

past friendships

fall through

girls in the past

the few that have gotten close enough to try the friendship thing with the fucking loser mess I am

and how those have never lasted

I can't make friends
because I'm not anybody.

2:00 am on a friday night eh

saturday morning

and I'm doing this

but hey
I'm always doing this
this always plays in my head
each and every day.
the same.

I'm so far under water
I can barely keep my head up
I fear that I will sink soon
and no one would notice

and then I'll be floundering in absolute misery
with no hope
I don't know what I would do
if it comes to that
drop out of school
move out
live alone

that's what I feel like I want to do
I can't run away from my problems
moving won't do anything

maybe I just need to drop out of society
crazy talk
but maybe that's the only way I can ever
feel anything again'

no
I'm just talking crazy
because I don't see how I can live and feel like this

if I didn't fail at EVERYTHING
if every girl didn't lose interest and not care
if I wasn't such a fuck-up

then maybe
I wouldn't feel this way





but
this is how I feel
and I'm absolutely miserable

this was my plan
take on the source of all my problems
fight it
beat it
and rebuild
restart

I'm losing the fight
it's too hard

the only choice I had was to step into the ring
and give it all I got

well know my problems
are beating me to a pulp
in the corner of the ring

the audience left awhile ago
or they were never there

do I have any more energy left
to fight this thing off
I don't think so
what's the point of having hope

if hope brings you years of struggle
for nothing

because 2:00 am on saturday morning in my sophomore year of high school

I still have no life
no meaning
no purpose
I have failed at everything I have ever done
I've experienced nothing
I'm alone
I've never been loved
I feel completely worthless
I have no self esteem
at school I have barely any friends
at home I have barely any friends
at work I have barely any friends
actually no friends there
I'm too fucking weird or awkward or losery to make any friends there

no one to call
no one understands
what this feels like

hopeless
that's me

oh misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.

I was right all along
about everything
I wish I wasn't

I wish I was wrong
I was this wasn't the truth my life
I wish that every night I didn't have to sleep alone

I wish that someone cared about me
like I need them to

I wish I could be a good brother
and a good son
and a good friend


oh how much I've let my brother down
I should be so much better to him

so muh better
but I'm just lnoely and sad allt he time and I can't ne anyhting to him
bit he still stays up until 3 am the night before I leave because he still likes me

and that makes me happy
because of how shitty I am as a brother
how I could be so much more to him

and my mom
how shitty I am to her
and how I COuld be so much better
if i weren't so sad and lonely and helplesssssss


how much I want to be a better son

and my dad
he's caused me a lot of pain
but I still love him
and I want to be happy with him

and I want to better to him
but I can't

because I'm sad and lonely
and fucked up my whole life

did everything wrong

and DJ
my cousin
how he calls me all the time
somehow
I don't know why
I'm not even there
a skeleton of a person

how I wish I could be more to him
and really engage in the conversation
and really care

BUT I CAN'T

because
I'm sad and lonely and miserable and I hate my life
and I hate who I was more than anything
and I hate this repeat
and I ahte my mind
and I hate my stupidity
and I hate my scummy talentless self

and I hate my incompetence

AND I HATE

and my grandparents
and kaitlyn
my god child
I want to be there for them
because I love them

BUT I CAN'T

because I'm filled with hate and misery to the top

AND I WANT TO BE FREED

and I want that girl to love me JUST ONCE

and I want to walk around and remove this knife from my chest
the knife that is my past

and finally recover from these bullet holes that this struggle has left inside of me
and finally have my heart beat again

I know its still there
it's crying

it's being held down
by all the misery

mom dad jason kaitlyn grandma grandpa my whole family I love you
and I'm sorry I haven't been there allt hese years

because of the misery
I'm sorry

I wish I coud stop it
BE FREE


freeeee







but
I know tomorrow
I will wake up
and it will all start again


torture
the torture
of all of this.

I'm miserable
if you can't tell

because I have
no talent
no skill
no love
no purpose

and buckets
oceans
of pain
because of the knowledge I have
of how much I have missed out on
and missing out on

I look at my phone
wish I will get a text from someone
anyone
that said

I care about you.
I miss you.

I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.

I look back at my past friendships. How most of them have slipped away.

slipping away....

what a depressing, depressing life.

I don't fit in anywhere.
I never did.

Lower than I've ever been.

I see now. I see all the reasons why.
It all makes sense.

It's so clear. Too clear.

Making peace with the facts of my life would be so much easier if I it didn't require me to lose all my emotions, all of my everything.

I didn't want this to be my story.

It's kind of like this: You're trapped in a cage for so long that you slowly run out of energy to bang on the side of the cage, and try to force your way out. After a period of time, when the energy runs out, the urge to get out is still as strong as it was in the beginning, probably even stronger, but you aren't able to express this urge, as your energy is depleted.

That's where I am now.

There's so much that I know I don't know.

I have a dream of a life in which I feel alive.

I need a life I can be proud of.

I have nothing to say.

I realized tonight that as soon as I learned how to live life, I lost all belief in myself, and have yet been able to practice what I have learned.

I've always have this dreamy view of life.
I don't want to ever give up on it.

My cards say
no love
no pride
no meaning

can I accept?

I have to remove the context.
Accept my life as it is. Accept myself.
Accept that being this person will cause me to have this life.
Do not have that urgency to change.
I can't feel everyday that I want to be somewhere else.
because it doesn't work.
I need to learn how to relax.
because
being this way
will not get me any further.
I need to have a short term memory
not hold on to my many displays of incompetence

I need to embrace the person I am now
find out the good that is in me
what I can focus on
what I have to work with
whatever it may be

and then still change
try to find that purpose
passion
meaning
pride
love

but I can't do it if I'm not stable
if every minute of every day
I feel like I'm a loser
I'm inferior
I'm behind
I have nothing
I am nothing
I can't feel that way all the time
I have to control the loneliness
I have to control my feelings of emptiness
and try to live my life to the fullest
do what I can
and not get lost in all the negative
emotion

control my mind
control my memory

it's going to be hard
but its the only way

I can't keep trying to prove to myself each and every moment that I am smart
or that I can funny
or that I have value
because that doesn't work
I need to believe that I am all of those things, or at least.. something
without constant proof

accept what I am not
and be happy
well not "happy"
but not miserable

I can't be miserable anymore
because its holding me back

I have to do this on my own
and this is the only way I can have a better life
all the emotions and experiences
I dream about
all the words
I dream coming out of mouth
it won't happen
if I'm

miserable

I need hope back
but I need to learn to let go of the urgency
because its splitting me apart
this urgency
and I need to be unified
together
if I want to ever be truly happy

I need to let go
more than ever

yes, everything I have discovered about my life is true
all these problems do exist
I am incompetent
I am not naturally inclined to do anything
I will always be a loser in high school
I can't change that
Being a nobody for all these years in my life will always hinder me
Other people will experience happiness because they didn't make the mistakes you did

but I can still have a satisfying life
I can still have meaning
I can still have purpose
I can still have love

maybe I won't be a singer
or a dancer
but I can be something

with the few things I do like

I won't be a talented person
I won't be looked upon for that

but I can still be happy
I can still be somebody

instead of constantly trying to draw new cards
I need to work with the cards I have in my hand first

that's what I've always tried to avoid
but no more avoiding
I'm not getting better

for better or for worse
I need to accept this life
accept me
lose the urgency
lose the thoughts

realize still I will not be secure
I will not be happy
I will be empty
I will be lonely
but don't let those emotions control me

and yes this may be asking for too much
for the average human to handle

but I have to do this
I don't see any other way

for nearly three years now
I've been trying to find something to take pride in
as the first step

but it's not working
because there is too much context to every action I take
and that
makes constant pride
impossible

my lack of experience also makes
constant pride impossible

so I have to stir away from that
and realize that no matter how hard I try
if I feel like this
I will never sustain enough good to evaporate this state of mind
I need to weaken it with what I have
weaken it
I won't be able to destroy it
but it's far too strong now
nothing can defeat it in its current state

acceptance
will weaken it
working with what I have
will weaken it

that's my objective.

and I will always have to steer my actions toward completely destroying it
but it can't always be on my mind
it can't control me
anymore
I won't let it
I must steer my actions toward
meaning
passion
love
pride

but I can't always have those words revolving around my head
causing deep emotional sickness
I need to be able to live without them
be stable
without them

it all comes down to
do I want to be happy or do I want to be sad?

I want to be happy.
this is the only way I can do it.
given the cards I currently have.

examination is where I have to go now.
I must examine the cards here my hands.
I can either work with them
or fold.



good night.

in a funk I can't get out of.

so much pain.

need to go somewhere to
release

where can I go?

I need to let go.

The hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

I want those moments.

Ryan and Marissa will always be my favorite TV romance.

I can't play any sports well.
I can't do anything artistically at a respectable level.
I can't play an instrument anymore.
I can't perform on stage.
I can't sing.
I lack the ability to reason, especially inductively.
I learn slower than average.
I'm not physically attractive.
I'm inexperienced socially.
I've never been in a relationship.
Few girls have ever liked me. In fact, I doubt that any truly have.
My life is completely meaningless.
I can't connect with people.
I sometimes can't speak coherently and cannot correct it.

The only aspects of myself that I give myself credit for:

I have an above-average intelligence, on my good days.
I have a slight natural inclination towards running.
I am an average or above-average writer.
When in certain emotional states, I am a decent poet, but I even write this with doubt.
I may be a good psychologist someday.


I've been trying to derive some sort of self-worth with all of this being true.
And it is true, even though some may dispute the validity of some of the things I said.
Believe me, I've thought about this enough.
It's true.
and the validity of the statements doesn't truly matter as
It's how I feel and
That's all that matters.
I'm not trying to feel this way.
I can't help it.
Believe me.



Maybe I have a decent personality, maybe I'm funny, maybe I have good morals, but none of that matters if I can't accept my severe competence deficiencies. There are so many of them. I can't do anything, it seems.

I have so much exuberance for life. I want to do so many things. Meet so many people.
As I traveled around New York City yesterday, I saw many people, and I looked at them, looking at their faces and wondering what they were like. I wanted to get to know all of them.

I thought about life. How there's so much to do. To feel. To experience.

It's a strong inner desire, that has only increased in strength.

I have so many questions about my past decisions.

Should I have quit Frisbee?
Should I continue Spanish?

Things have I tried recently, but have not had much success in.
Did I give them enough time?

It's so hard to live this way.
Knowing that I could be so much more.
Knowing that I could be experiencing love.
Love.
I have thought about it, imagined it, too many times.
Out of all the experiences I want to have in life, love, without a doubt, is my ultimate desire.
If I ever end up in a relationship with a girl
I will do my best
to love her
as she deserves

I need to control my mind
it tortures me
pings with insecurity
I need to let that all go
it won't win the battle
but it will at least be of some aid
to reaching
stability.

and I think about life.
and I want life.
and I want freedom.
and I want her, when I meet her.

How do I accept myself?
I'm incompetent.
Unaccomplished.
Unattractive.
Lacking identity
Lacking a life

How do I accept all the failures of my past
all the bad decisions
how do I feel good enough about myself now
that I can believe in myself
believe that someday even I can have a satisfying life
I can have love
I can meaning
I can have pride

someday

I want to look at myself
in the mirror
and be able to say
I accept you

you have flaws
flaws you will try to correct
and maybe you can't be happy now
but you can be stable
you can stop hating yourself
you can find pleasure

and someday
you will find happiness in your life
and you will bring happiness to others
and everything
will be ok.

someday.

How do I get to this point?
What needs to be done?

They say
life is about doing the best with what you have
well
what do I have?
and what can I do with it?
questions that need answers.

four weeks of devoted thought.
nothing to show.
accept more question marks
at the ends of
very serious questions.

this is me.

never forget.

and the music comes back.
everything comes back.
squeaking out of the jail cell of misery

I can't function with this always on my mind.

How do I make the pain stop?

fear killed my dreams.

fear killed my dreams.

I'm a talentless fuck how could I ever feel good about myself?

How do I get self-esteem?

activity + life.

music allows me to experience that life I've never had.

How different would my life be if I didn't feel trapped every minute?

I need to make a compromise.

I want to want to call people again.

For the few moments it lasted today, I got to see how I would act when I wasn't in a terrible mood. So many differences.

I don't know how I am going to get out of this.

Accept myself. Be happy with what I have. What I am.

the only way it seems. I don't want to suffer anymore.

Things would be so different, if I could accept myself. So different.

nothing (good) ever happens in my life.

adding hobbies will not help me now. not at this time.

I need a focus.

Is it not possible to accept it? To accept that I can't have feel any pride right now?

Is it too much?

Today I was visiting my grandmother in the nursing home when I saw an elderly couple walking hand in hand. I called a nurse to ask about them thinking they were just two very confused people. The nurse told me that the woman does have severe demensia but that the man is her husband.

He admitted himself so they would not be separated. He GMH

Today, I saw one of the most popular seniors in my grade eat lunch with the wheelchair-bound, mentally-challenged freshman girl who is always by herself. She made the girl laugh and talked to her like she was no different than her other friends. The senior girl then invited her to go see Twilight this weekend. Her kindness GMH.

Over the summer, my boyfriend passed away from cancer. When none of my other friends wanted to be near me, my old college roommate spent all the money she earned over the summer so she could fly over from another country and spend a week making me food and holding my hand while I cried. She GMH.

One of the smartest girls at my high school seemed to stop trying and started habitually coming to school late, with bloodshot red eyes, and stopped performing at her best. Everyone thought she succumbed to drugs or gave up. We found out she sacrificed her time and grades to care for her dying grandfather. Her selfless devotion GMH.

I visited the high school today, for a little while.

It reminds me of how much I hated my high school.

I remember myself walking down the halls, the sadness draped over me.

How much fun those years could have been.

I'm a sophomore in college, and I'm still not even close to getting over how bad things were, how far away my life was from what I wanted it to be, and how powerless I felt to change to it.

Still trying.
every day.

the constant pain I feel.

I need to get excited about my career.

identity.

so many people I haven't met.

I read my old high school newspaper. I see all these people, doing things, and I hate the fact that I was always the one in the shadows.

How to move away from the pride thoughts, because if I think about it, focus on it, I will keep coming up with nothing.

nothing, nothing, nothing.

Without confidence or experience, what can I do?

I look to my past for some courage.

some proof that I can something.

one thing.

it's not there.

does that mean, give up?

or does that mean

go forward

with only the light inside you

guiding you

pushing you

because

there is no light from my past

if I keep peering into my past I'm going to keep seeing things I don't want to see

how do I stop looking back?

how do I take a step forward

when my past has left me with no map

no direction

no stable footing

how I do take that first step?

I have to realize that I will never have everything that I picture in my mind. I've made too many mistakes for that. I'm too far behind.
but I can still have a life.
I just need to let go of my old one.

but how?

the day ends with the same question
that rings in my eyes
constantly.
relentlessly.

How?


..

how?

after learning all that I've learned, I've discovered that I have a loser. There is no other way to really see it. All I have not done. All I have not experienced. All of my shortcomings.

I know what's important in life now.
at least more than I did.
and I want my chance to try to attain the important things.
but I'm still hating myself for all that I've done wrong.

still hating.

everything I've discovered is the hard truth.

Memories of my struggles with the writing section of the SAT.
it never stops.
how am I suppose to believe?

I feel ugly inside and out.


If I had one thing to build upon.
Just one.
then maybe I'd have some hope right now.

but all I'm given is another reason to lose pride
if there were anything good
it would have shown through the darkness by now
dispersed some of this dark matter that has spun itself around me
clung on to my clothes, my skin
I can't wash it away
the light is so dismal
so small
that it is blocked out
eradicated
by the darkness
I frown

I wish that every word I said wasn't always met with SKEPTICISM.

and I saw the cheerleaders. the football players. the coaches.
and I saw all I ever wanted.
to be a part of something.
not an on looker.
for once in my life.

I feel so, so stupid.

I hate the doubt I've instilled in my mind. It's all the truth.
I hate being nothing.
I really do.
and that's why I'm the way I am. Why things are the way they are.
I'm feeling like the lowest of the low.
How do I not?
When I have nothing.
I wish I could put this into words in a clear way, so others can understand and see what I mean.
But I can't.
How do I accept nothing? Not let nothing bother me? Not let the lack of life experience not hinder me? Not let all of my shortcomings hold me back? Live in the present, and do what I can do make something out of nothing. How do I do it?
If one thing worked out: Spanish, Frisbee, Basketball, anything that I tried, that my past didn't completely eliminate, has just not worked out. I wish I had help.
someone who tried to help me find some sort of meaning
instead of invalidating feelings they simply don't understand
it's hard.
I'm trying.
I need to find something that I can separate from all of this.
all of this, negativity.
that I can't seem to escape.
You do nothing with your life until you are a senior in high school.
you're going to have problems.
I just didn't know.
It would be
this
painful.

I've been stuck in cyclone for far too long. Lost most of my adolescent years because I was succumbed by the strong winds. I'm ready to live. Forgive and forget.
Forgive and forget.
Two words.
I need to enact.
but how?

the burning question.

how?

It's the connections. The meaning.
The hurting never stops.

2010.

so give me something to believe
cause I am living just to breath
and i need something more
to keep on breathing for
so give me something to believe