I need to get a lot smarter.

wish I could go to sleep so this feeling will end.

seeing him there in the diner today, reminds me of everything

I won't be a failure my whole life.

I'll be somebody someday.

feeling as dead as the trees....

I'm a broken... broken man.

I realize this three year depression has been me punishing myself for who I was. I feel if I keep punishing myself people will accept me. I also punish myself because I feel it is the only way I will ever be able to forgive myself.

I lived life the wrong way. today in the shower all the pain rushed back in, and that's when I realized all of this.

I hate myself for being afraid.

and EVERYTHING was true. I knew that signs that were lighting up were not illusions, they were a harsh reality of all that is wrong in my life.

and there's still all this emotion in me i want to write it out of me but I can't I would write for years
I was knocked off the plane when I was a younger kid and and I was given two parachutes pride and love but I can't them to work because they don't exist for me never have and I need to them to and then I can float peacefully in the air and I wouldn't be falling anymore and my heart will stop screaming and I can say "hello, how are you?" and that's all it will be it would be "hello, how are you?" with one million strings attached and analysis of every gesture every spec of movement I make and I won't look across the room and see the people who have what I don't have and hate everything and man I wish I could just go have lunch and have lunch and eat my sandwich and wash it down with some lemonade and it could just be lunch but nothing is ever anything anyone its all loneliness and lack of pride and I need to find that shade of light that comes through it all that I can jump to and ride through the storm but the light hasn't turned on yet I'm going to keep looking

and I wish I had a few things in my life like a "good job Chris" or "Chris let's hang out and do nothing or we can do anything" and I like "like what?" and they say anything at all we could go to the city and run under the lights and make commotion or we could just sit on a bench and watch"
and then maybe we see tears falling and we look up and we see its someone on top of the building and they are crying why are they crying they are sad they are not loved love pushes you to warmth not love pushes you to the edge of a building crying and I wish I could jump up to them and hold them and say stop don't do this and I wish I could be there net of love because no one would jump if they had love because love can catch anyone because its that strong and wide and beautiful and man we are walking in the city and we see the commotion and the laugther and then you turn off the volume and you see people and you see movement and you see life and then you narrate your own story

that's the problem with I'd love to narrate my own story it'd be beautiful with bells chiming and ringing but I don't have that control my life story is that of broken bells they never chime they cry they are broken you can see the cracks

and I haven't written any of this loneliness and lack of love and self-hatred and the longing for a "good job Chris" wrote this that's why its all messy and dirty and has many loops and turns and straight aways but the is what I am now those emotions and its intense but they can be quieted by three words I know it and they are "I love you Chris" my ears have never heard those words my heart has never touched them held their hand and I don't need everything from someone I just need those words to be true for that moment that would be enough and I've known this since I was 13 and looked at those pretty girls on the boardwalk and wanted them to look at me and that girl in 7th grade who was so pretty and nice and I decidated songs to her and I was a funny kid but never did I know how much I wanted those words
and maybe my life will have a night of bliss when we are holding hands and my fears are being distinguished and we are looking each other in the eyes and I don't even have to funny that night or deep or nice or anything I don't have to be a word I am just me and that's okay with you because me is all you need and you are all I need and that night we'll dance and sing and sit and stand and walk and run and spin and whirl and we'll be out of breath but we'll never stop spinning and dancing and loving and
that's everything

and I'm still playing the song I can't stop but I'm not even really listening I'm just letting it play through me it makes my heart my emotions dance around and feel all fluttery

I was walking back to my room and I knew I was feeling it I clapped my hands to calm the storm but this storm is a hurricane and its not going to go away with a clap and a clenched fist and a deep breath its too strong category 5 maybe even 6 if they have that but I don't think they do but its strong let me tell you that much and I wish I could jump into this song be on stage singing to someone special and she's looking at me and really looking at me you know when someone is really looking at you they aren't really actually they don't see you're body they just see you you're purity your emotions they see through all surface and they love you

I want to nights to be just me and my footsteps.

and I write this all with my trust emotions of despair how I agonize over text messages and wonder if what I said is correct or "could it be perceived in this way? oh fuck our friendship is OVER" that fucking shit. well it wouldn't exist if someone held my hand and said "hey it's okay Chris" and they didn't just say it then meant it and knew it and through my hand felt the emotions pulsating through my body and knew that I'm not a bad guy I'm Chris I like love and I like smiling and I like people and I like when people say "good job Chris" and I like when I get complimented but usually I just have to imagine that because that's my not my reality I need to create the illusions..


and I listen to song by snow patrol and I cry from it because its so true and beauty and its my dream and I want it
and the way he sings it is so pure and beautiful and lovely and I want to sing this song and make it be real because then I know my heart will be swelling not dieing collasping inside of me falling down to the pit of stomach coming out in tears and angry fists and slamming bathroom stalls and steering wheels and crushing soda cans and heavy breathes of loneliness when I see the people in front of me holding hands. fuck that

can I hold your hand? you don't want to got it I understand I'm dirty like garbage why would you want to touch that I'm ugly why would I want garbage when i could have that trophy on the wall so vibrant and lovely and sweet and you're just garbage but I like you but don't get too close I will run away before that can happen

and this song I can't stop listening because it makes me tap my fingers my desk and the tears from my eyes flow so pure and I feel something its like the tears squeak out of my heart they are crying for love they break through the barricade of loneliness they are the only thing that breaks through all us in stuck inside the cage yelling but you can't hear the yelling
because its all underwater
the water of loneliness fills up my body my heart my mind and everything is drowning in it I know its through I see the bubbles come to the top I don't know how much longer they can all hold through breath they may die out soon and then what will I have? nothing inside and out
and then I will truly be alone and hope will be gone and I need it and I need hope because I see the messages shared and the love communicated I see it everywhere its red in a sea of gray
I want to reach out and grab it and let it be mine for once you know I come so close but yet I don't
I mean how far can garbage get not very people get repulsed they don't want the leftovers

they never wanted me not ever there's loneliness and then there's pure loneliness and never being loved and hating everything because you just want a text that says " I love you" or the person who spends the night and all you do is laugh at nothing and be pure and look out the window together and see the tree blowing in the night with the stars all over the place shining gleaming romanticizing life and squeezing hands so hard you could melt but you don't because you have love and you never want to let go never let go if you could hold hands forever you would because you would never be alone ever again and you could have love running through your veins at every moment cuddling you when you are feeling down because no one deserves to feel down not all the time like I do but I do and it hurts so much I could die but I don't I perservere because I want to experience love ever for a minute a second a flash in the pan a lightning strike of love is all I need just to know what it feels like you know and then my face will truly be smiling and you'll look at it and you'll feel warm because I'm not smiling love is

and I really want to just be normal but not normal life is a majestice thing I'll never understand it I'll never understand anything but I want to understand love because is so great what else is there really everything always go back to love

and something was bound to go right sometime today the lyrics flow in both my ears my legs are shaking I don't look so normal now I hope they don't see my vibrations but maybe they should see it its my emotions moving my legs and my heart and my fingers right now all emotion
the feeling in the core of my heart is so lonely I remove it from my body and show it to all of you it will look black and gross and unpretty and it will swirl like it does in my body and the "you're funny Chris" tryings to combat it but it sucks in it and spits it ut and then its "you're a loser a chris" because that's how almost every night ends
and my legs are still shaking and I feel everything pulsating and I want you

not really any you because there can't be a you in my life because there is never a me in anyone elses because they have there trophies and I'm in the can in the corner you don't even see me half of the time maybe not even any of the time you look past me you look through me like transparency oh how I want to be looked at fully and to be looked at in the eyes when I'm driving home and she doesn't even say anything she just touches my shoulder and then all is well because the touch is all I need the touch would free my body all the hatred lonelienss would exploud out of me like a missle out of a cannon and it would be beautifully depressing and it would be gone and my mind would stop being in a civil war stop killing itself so I can think about other things like how those flowers are quite beautiful and man can I just look in your eyes again? I want to get lost in them like I did the other day when I saw you and it never felt so good to be lost

but this lost feels like I'm a tiny dot at the end of everyone's paper and most people don't ever look there and if they don't do they don't see anything worthwhile they just see a dot at the end of the paper

oh pure emotion running in and out will this all I ever feel, my life in ruins and all I want is to say something they mean to be and mean that I am ok and that maybe I can be a trophy in their life and they can love me like they love and we could be happy for a second or a few days or maybe longer but I don't care how long as long as it was there because it can never leave then and then my heart will stop crying and I will be free for a time and I will fly across the country with a smile and I will soar for that moment and many a few more moments an eternity of moments that's what love is an eternity of moments that you feel like you're soaring across the country and you're smiling

and then I can actually smile and feel proud of myself and the thoughts that go "what a fucking loser you are Mr. Christopher Lombardi, see that trash can over there? yeah that one, you're the human incarnation of that piece of trash no wonder why no one cares about you you're just a fucking trashcan in the corner.

because all the fun I had in these past three years has been fleeting and fake and used as a stepping stone over the river of despair. I used each one to try to get me out of it, but I've learned you can't go over the river you have to dive right in and block the source of the flow of water.

and I wish all my emotions weren't so fucking negative so I can write some shit that isn't a metaphor for depression or loneliness but actually about love and happiness and bliss and true smiles and the beauty of the trees being blown the wind and the serene nature of the night when its just you and your footsteps. I wish I could write about that and not this. then I could read it to people and they can say "good job Chris" because no one ever says that.

I haven't truly had fun in three years.

I NEED TO LET GO.

my thoughts wrap around trivial matters because I want and desire certain things that I've never had

I need to untie the knots and let go of it all control it don't let it control me anymore

as much as I can

I'm far from brilliant I guess I'll have to make due with mediocrity.

rethinking everything because my life now is waiting and waiting and no real action.

of course if I didn't feel like I did maybe I'd act more but shut the fuck up

this is my life and I'm going to do something with it

broken in every way

I'm sorry to everyone for being who I am.

I know if I were different you would like me.

I dare you - Shinedown

I still remember.

One day I'll be able to really listen to music, really breath, really feel, because I'll be proud of myself.

I need to find something that I can separate from it all.

was thinking back to the shore, the times with the music and the beach.

good memories.

lonely hearts club

and you always feel that you are the only member

I can't get any lonelier than this.

Chris is in a relationship with his past.

can't do this anymore.

lift me up, lift me up

I've fallen

I need a purpose for being here, more than anything. I need it.

people just don't like me that much.

3rd straight day of feeling dead.

my heart, I can't even feel it beating.

feeling so dead.

like nothing at all in inside of me.

emptiness, most empty I've felt in quite awhile. I feel absolutely nothing right now, except worthlessness.

when will it be my turn?

I'm always

lost in the shuffle

I like certain parts of myself. I really do.

Happy November.