can't feel good about myself. I can't. I can't feel happy with anything. i can't. If I don't stop this, the fall is going to be impossible to recover from. I hate this.

I hate that I can't accept being happy with my life. I hate that I'm so use to be unhappy that I'm scared, actually scared, of when that is going to come back.

I know why I'm so tense all the time. My body is waiting for the fall.

=(

If I were secure, this wouldn't exist.

but I can't secure.
never be secure.
because what makes me feel secure is not going to work. its not going to last. I wish I can keep going up, but I fear so much of going back down, because that's all I've known.