Well this is it. Summer 2009 begins today. Finally I'll have the time to make some impact, make some progress in this life of mine, I want to leave all this behind. Well not all of it, but all the inferiority, discontent, jealousy, insecure, I want it to go, I want it gone. These feelings have ruled my life and I'm at the point where I can't handle how much life I miss out on because of them. This summer I need to find myself or at least finally feel like I'm on the right road. Feel proud of myself. Find some value for myself, feel like I'm going somewhere, get that direction in my life that I have not been able to find. I want emotion back, I want true emotion back, I want that true laughter back, that true joy, I want it all back. I want love, I want love. My emotions have been drained, I can feel the hole inside me, I know what's missing. I lived life the wrong way in my respects for most of my life, and I suppose that a two-three year depression period would fit that, but I want to be done. I need to start this next chapter. I want to enjoy these next three year of college, when life is all about your friend and life and experiences and staying up all night and just being around people that you care about. I've never had that, I realize now. Never really had that true, closeness with anyone, the kind where you can just go over there house and hang out all night... doing whatever. That kind. I want to feel missed and miss other people. I want to be significant. My life thus far has lead me down a path of mostly insignificance.

This summer I want to actually feel like I have made progress, because I know now all the signs of fake progress, when I truly believe that I've made a break though when I haven't. All those times I've never fixed the underlying issue, they were just methods to get around it. The underlying issue is I don't know myself and don't feel any pride in myself. If I find some direction, start doing things I like to do and finally forming an identity then I know that constitutes true progress. I need this to happen. If anyone could go inside my head and see how much this destorys, you'd understand. People see it as an issue, but nobody can truly understand the extent it affects me without going inside that dark place. When you strongly desire something, like for me, love and experiences of true emotion, and you can never get there, it just builds up and builds up. It grows, it consumes.

So this is it. Now is the time. Summer 2009. I want to be able to say in August, when its all set and done "I had a great summer" and truly feel that way. It can happen. I know it can.

The qoute of the top of my journal, so fucking perfect: "I find that the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes.