I'm just thinking how when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them.. or try to, because as I have said I can't seem to speak anymore.. its soooooooo ssssssimple. and it makes me feel worse, because of how simple it is.

I realize for the good part of the past year my pride was being sneaky. First my pride was based on me being nice. I HAD to be nice. I was the nice guy.

I would talk on the phone to my friend.... and I remember once I said something that might have been perceived as MEAN. oh boy. I was worried after that one. Will she ever talk to me again? I mean, if I'm not nice, why would she want to?

but then after that..... I was the FUNNY guy.. I gotta be funny... why else would someone want to talk to you Chris you suck at everything you're ugly you're stupid...

then.. I didn't even realize at first... but then I became the DEEP guy... I'm so complex... oh yeah... I'm not all at the surface...... I'm so INTERESTING.

Yeah, right.

hah.

What will be my next desperate ploy for pride?

and then I was thinking...

I remembered today... that when I was younger.. I don't remember exactly how old I was... I thought I was fat. I lost 11 pounds. I counted the calories of everything I ate, limited myself to a certain amount each meal. I was fat.
I don't even know why I thought this... I remember once one kid came up to me as a joke said I was fat.. but it wasn't serious... I wasn't heavy at all. I was normal weight.
I remember the doctor was very angry at me when I went in for my check up... I was 100 pounds the year before... then I was 89.. I went backwards. This wasn't the best thing to do, said the doctor, you are growing. You should be gaining weight, he said.

I never really was secure with myself.