and I wish I had a few things in my life like a "good job Chris" or "Chris let's hang out and do nothing or we can do anything" and I like "like what?" and they say anything at all we could go to the city and run under the lights and make commotion or we could just sit on a bench and watch"
and then maybe we see tears falling and we look up and we see its someone on top of the building and they are crying why are they crying they are sad they are not loved love pushes you to warmth not love pushes you to the edge of a building crying and I wish I could jump up to them and hold them and say stop don't do this and I wish I could be there net of love because no one would jump if they had love because love can catch anyone because its that strong and wide and beautiful and man we are walking in the city and we see the commotion and the laugther and then you turn off the volume and you see people and you see movement and you see life and then you narrate your own story

that's the problem with I'd love to narrate my own story it'd be beautiful with bells chiming and ringing but I don't have that control my life story is that of broken bells they never chime they cry they are broken you can see the cracks

and I haven't written any of this loneliness and lack of love and self-hatred and the longing for a "good job Chris" wrote this that's why its all messy and dirty and has many loops and turns and straight aways but the is what I am now those emotions and its intense but they can be quieted by three words I know it and they are "I love you Chris" my ears have never heard those words my heart has never touched them held their hand and I don't need everything from someone I just need those words to be true for that moment that would be enough and I've known this since I was 13 and looked at those pretty girls on the boardwalk and wanted them to look at me and that girl in 7th grade who was so pretty and nice and I decidated songs to her and I was a funny kid but never did I know how much I wanted those words
and maybe my life will have a night of bliss when we are holding hands and my fears are being distinguished and we are looking each other in the eyes and I don't even have to funny that night or deep or nice or anything I don't have to be a word I am just me and that's okay with you because me is all you need and you are all I need and that night we'll dance and sing and sit and stand and walk and run and spin and whirl and we'll be out of breath but we'll never stop spinning and dancing and loving and
that's everything