This person, I portray. I can't stand. I wish I could just be me, but I can't. I don't chose to be this person, but with everything weighing down on me, feeling incompetent, worthless everyday, its hard not to be.

One thing in my life that I admit I am doing okay in, is my school work, but when I do poorly in that, the question that always comes up in my mind is, what else do you have?

It sucks that I can't give an answer to that question.

I'm stuck. This whole I have dug for myself, it seems like it is just too deep. I mean, sometimes I can start making my way out, things begin to look brighter, the happiness at the top appears to be reachable. Then I fall back in, because the the walls aren't stable. I slip back down to the bottom, waiting again for the strength to try to get back out again. This is my life for the past two years or so. Such a simple problem to explain.. yet it consumes me. Its not like I can even take pride in being complicated. I'm not. The situation is not complicated at all. It just seems impossible to fix sometimes, because I can try to ignore my thoughts and not beat myself up for the past, but then when I'm in social situations, having nothing to say, feeling dull, feeling uninteresting, feeling simple, feeling untalented, feeling average, feeling inexperienced, feeling incompetent, feeling idiotic, feeling worthless. I have nothing to fight off those thoughts with.

Its especially harder when I act the way I have been acting the past few weeks. Well, I've actually been acting this way for awhile, way before this problem consumed me, but it definitely got worse when all this started up. But these last two weeks, I have not been able to speech coherently. I don't know if other people notice, but 75% of the sentences that come out of my month don't make sense to me. I realize its mainly because of me feeling uncomfortable, and me not being able to think of the right word to say, so I try to replace it with something else that usually doesn't sound right. I use to be able to speak. =/.

I wish I could just be my normal, random, funny, self. Because then, I feel an ounce of worth, I feel like being around myself, and perhaps other people too, actually are enjoying my presence. But when I'm like this. Awkward. Incoherent. Dull. Tired. Boring. It's not fun for me, because I'm not a person that I would want to hang out with.

Such foolish shit I'm dealing with. Repetitive, beyond repetitive. I want to move on. How depressing it is that most of my nights end with me sitting at my computer, analyzing everyday I do, and just feeling more and more worthless...

I realize that during the average week I feel happy for only about.. 6-12 hours. A few hours here and then. That's all that my mind allows me. Because then the worthless thoughts come back. The thoughts of " you have no life", "you have very few friends", "you are a bumbling idiot", "you just aren't smart", "you have no knowledge, you can't talk about anything", "what do you have that makes you even remotely special", and it goes on.

I mean, I screwed up enough.. it'd be nice if I could just fucking speak. Say what I intend to say. At least have that. Maybe even make a few people laugh.

=/.

Going home this weekend. I feel nothing. Nothing. Completely empty. or sad. Empty or sad, how my emotions fluctuate.

and..........................

I don't see me getting out of this any time soon, because I know, whenever I walk into a room, I automatically feel lesser, feel down, feel lowwww. and I can't help it.

fucking self-esteem issues have always ruled my life.