I'm going to be taking a break from this blog. I may be back sometime in the future. We'll see.

Different Stars - Trespassers William

So you'd sing a lullaby to get me to sleep
So it's no surprise my eyes are never heavy
For i've not seen you in the flesh for so long
That i'm not sure we would know each other at all

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are
Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are

So i will hum alone, too far from you
All that i say now is nothing to you
We will lie under different stars
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don' t think twice wherever you are
And i'd ask if you're all right wherever you are
And do you think of me, you might, wherever you are.


Not a accurate representation of my feelings now, but it is for so many times in my past.

Meaning.

I wish I was a better friend.

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.

Was reading through some quotes/dialogues I have saved. I love this quote from A Beautiful Mind.

Who is the man I see
Where I'm supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Lines ever more unclear,
I'm not sure I'm even here,
The more I look the more I think that I'm starting to disappear.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong.

I don't where I am,
And I don't really care,
I look myself in the eye,
There's no one there.
I fall upon the earth,
I call upon the air,
but all I get is the same old vacant stare.

Oh, crystal ball, crystal ball,
Save us all, tell me life is beautiful,
Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Oh, crystal ball, hear my song,
I'm fading out, everything I know is wrong
So put me where I belong.

Crystal Ball - Keane

I also realize that some things in life you will never be able to truly accept, you can only learn how to cope with them. No matter how you try to put it in your head to make yourself feel better, you realize that its not enough and it will always plague you. I'm not talking about The Issue here, I'm talking about other events that have occurred in my life. A hard truth.

living in a personal hell that no one understands or acknowledges really fucking sucks. I know my friends and family try to.. and I love them for that... but I need someone who feels the way I do for reasons I do or at least similar reasons... because they would understand.. truly understand... what it feels like. realize that its not a cognitive distortion. someone that will be by my side, both of us side by side, fighting this problem... together. if you're out there, say hello, I could really use you right now.

much needed emotional release.

What a night of confusion.


What do I care about?


Month since I got back. Need to really get to work. What I've been doing hasn't been enough.


Its really now or never.

So far away.

Oh man.. the few hours of being somewhat myself this afternoon... were fabulous. =).

Hey, I was dancing in the street today. Haven't been in the mood to do that in awhile. Oh and how such simple things can sometimes spark good moods. If only they lasted for more than a few hours. You know?

It seems that whenever I have the opportunity to do something that could help progress things... I never have the courage to take it and thus I continue on my path of loneliness, inferiority and complete discontent with the life I am leading. Not that taking these opportunities will fix anything alone.. but they most certainly would be of some benefit.

Spell of loneliness has taken over right now. I am such a failure in the social sphere. Really.

anyway, check this out: www.givesmehope.com

Me now, compared to me three hours ago, completely different. Mood inconsistency is the r0xz0r.