Rocky Took a Lover - Bell x1

Wonderful song.

He said 'The sun gives life, and it takes it away
But like all the greats, it'll burn out someday'
She said 'I don't mind, I don't want to get bored
I don't want to end up beached on this shore
I want to be that star'

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown

Misery. Absolute misery.

But the loneliness never dissipates.

And on nights like tonight, I see life.

Oh how much I love the smell of summer.

"23" by Jimmy Eat World is a truly beautiful song.

Kickball today - more incompetence. One of the last to be picked. Performed very poorly. =/. Obviously the way I believe see me isn't too far off from reality. The thing is, I don't know why they would think I wasn't good at the game, since most people on my floor haven't seen me engage in any physical activity. I performed the way they thought I would perform though. =/.

So oh well.

Here's what I'm thinking: I guess the only thing I can do is try to minimize the thoughts of inferiority as much as possible, so that they don't consume me like they do now and continue to try to find myself. I know I can never eliminate those thoughts until I truly know who I am and am proud of that person. I should have time this summer. I've also been sleeping better, my strategy of only giving myself 6-7 hours to sleep instead of 8-9 is working fairly well. So time + adequate energy should do me some good. I just hope I can come back to college next year, feeling better than I do now, at least a little more comfortable, so my inferiority doesn't limit from experiencing all this college has to offer, most notably, the people. I'm glad that even though I spent 95% of this year of college feeling absolutely terrible, it didn't stop me from meeting some truly great people. Some people I met this year truly impacted me, and I hope those friendships last. I'd like to build upon this year, meet more people, do more things, live life.

Someday I'll walk into any room and I'll be able to think that I'm ok. That I'm not flawed, and believe that a friendship with me is seen as desirable. Someday I'll be able to go to bed without hundreds of thoughts and terrible feelings.. someday I'll be able to relax again. Truly relax.

Someday, come soon ok, please.

Also, today made me realize the major problem that I've always had throughout my life, and perhaps the core feeling that drives me: Loneliness. Really, when you come down to it, that's it.


Oh yeah, and everything, truly, does happen for a reason.

-Chris

How fucked I am:

-15-20 page paper due Tuesday for my methods and tools class. (I'm on page 9).
-Sociology Write-up + Presentation due Monday. Read two more chapters in the book + many shorter readings.
-Biology: test Friday, 5 page paper due Next Friday, presentation with paper (optional but I think I need to do it for my grade), Small Lab due Friday.
-Abnormal Test Next Friday. Read three more chapters in the book before then.

That's what I have to due within the next week and a half, and right after that, the monday after, I start finals.

Its even worse considering that for each of my classes, close to 50% of my grade is decided in the next week and a half.

Add in the fact that I'm going through one of the more emotionally stressing times in my life, cried more this week than I have in a year, and just having a hard time feeling even an ounce of happiness... these next few weeks are going to be rather difficult.

I had a great conversation with my cousin last night, and with the help of conversations I've had with two friends the previous two days... as well as one I had today.. my situation is out in the open and the solution has never been so clear. I realize, for sure now, that my problem is entirely social. I personally find myself to be a great person who has yet to truly find himself. I've made plenty of mistakes in the past that have caused me great difficulty, but I can't beat myself up for them. I don't hate myself. I don't think that I am a loser at all. I feel that other people see me as a loser, as ordinary, as not worthwhile, as boring, as just someone that doesn't matter. I realize that I need to change that, and feel that I can justify people liking me. I admit, with my limited accomplishes/skills/talents/hobbies/interests I will not appeal to many people just on that fact, but I still feel like I could appeal to some. I do feel that I am lovable now, but not to many people, because I simply don't offer enough to most people to be considered a person that they truly "love". Now, that only thing that is holding me back is "So Chris, if you are indeed likable and lovable, where's da proof?" "Uh..." "Got you there!"
Okay. I do have friends, and close friends, but very little. And even though that should be enough, its very hard to accept, because this so is little proof its hard to fully acknowledge. There seems to be so much proof against my ability to be liked and loved, and not for it.

=/.

Really hurting right now.

My road to happiness seems a little clearer after tonight.

Right now, though, I can't shake the feeling of extreme loneliness. I hate when I feel this way. Its so hard... to be alone... so alone.. for all of your life. =/.

It's getting worse. I don't see how I can ever be happy again.

I just want to cry. Seriously. Just sit here, and cry. All night. Alone. Away from everyone. I can't be around people anymore, or I don't want to be.. I can't handle it anymore. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate being this failure of a person. And the sad part is... if this was all a cognition distortion... I figure I would have realized it by now. But it's not. And on today, such a beautiful day, I am sitting on my computer right now coming to tears writing this. I just want it to stop. But it won't.

Every day I see how much my life is a complete and utter mess.

I wish I could just have ONE conversation where I don't feel shitty afterwards.

For one day.. I can at least APPEAR semi-smart, semi-interesting, semi-talented, semi-SOMETHING.







For fucks sake.

Time to go out now, RHA banquet. Put on a face. Act like I wasn't just sitting in my room hating everything. Act like everyone's okay, when I really j ust want to scream at the top of my lungs.

just fucking scream.

Another day of me being me.........................................................................................................................................................................

Lonely hearts club.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

I'm just thinking how when people ask me what's wrong and I tell them.. or try to, because as I have said I can't seem to speak anymore.. its soooooooo ssssssimple. and it makes me feel worse, because of how simple it is.

I realize for the good part of the past year my pride was being sneaky. First my pride was based on me being nice. I HAD to be nice. I was the nice guy.

I would talk on the phone to my friend.... and I remember once I said something that might have been perceived as MEAN. oh boy. I was worried after that one. Will she ever talk to me again? I mean, if I'm not nice, why would she want to?

but then after that..... I was the FUNNY guy.. I gotta be funny... why else would someone want to talk to you Chris you suck at everything you're ugly you're stupid...

then.. I didn't even realize at first... but then I became the DEEP guy... I'm so complex... oh yeah... I'm not all at the surface...... I'm so INTERESTING.

Yeah, right.

hah.

What will be my next desperate ploy for pride?

and then I was thinking...

I remembered today... that when I was younger.. I don't remember exactly how old I was... I thought I was fat. I lost 11 pounds. I counted the calories of everything I ate, limited myself to a certain amount each meal. I was fat.
I don't even know why I thought this... I remember once one kid came up to me as a joke said I was fat.. but it wasn't serious... I wasn't heavy at all. I was normal weight.
I remember the doctor was very angry at me when I went in for my check up... I was 100 pounds the year before... then I was 89.. I went backwards. This wasn't the best thing to do, said the doctor, you are growing. You should be gaining weight, he said.

I never really was secure with myself.

This person, I portray. I can't stand. I wish I could just be me, but I can't. I don't chose to be this person, but with everything weighing down on me, feeling incompetent, worthless everyday, its hard not to be.

One thing in my life that I admit I am doing okay in, is my school work, but when I do poorly in that, the question that always comes up in my mind is, what else do you have?

It sucks that I can't give an answer to that question.

I'm stuck. This whole I have dug for myself, it seems like it is just too deep. I mean, sometimes I can start making my way out, things begin to look brighter, the happiness at the top appears to be reachable. Then I fall back in, because the the walls aren't stable. I slip back down to the bottom, waiting again for the strength to try to get back out again. This is my life for the past two years or so. Such a simple problem to explain.. yet it consumes me. Its not like I can even take pride in being complicated. I'm not. The situation is not complicated at all. It just seems impossible to fix sometimes, because I can try to ignore my thoughts and not beat myself up for the past, but then when I'm in social situations, having nothing to say, feeling dull, feeling uninteresting, feeling simple, feeling untalented, feeling average, feeling inexperienced, feeling incompetent, feeling idiotic, feeling worthless. I have nothing to fight off those thoughts with.

Its especially harder when I act the way I have been acting the past few weeks. Well, I've actually been acting this way for awhile, way before this problem consumed me, but it definitely got worse when all this started up. But these last two weeks, I have not been able to speech coherently. I don't know if other people notice, but 75% of the sentences that come out of my month don't make sense to me. I realize its mainly because of me feeling uncomfortable, and me not being able to think of the right word to say, so I try to replace it with something else that usually doesn't sound right. I use to be able to speak. =/.

I wish I could just be my normal, random, funny, self. Because then, I feel an ounce of worth, I feel like being around myself, and perhaps other people too, actually are enjoying my presence. But when I'm like this. Awkward. Incoherent. Dull. Tired. Boring. It's not fun for me, because I'm not a person that I would want to hang out with.

Such foolish shit I'm dealing with. Repetitive, beyond repetitive. I want to move on. How depressing it is that most of my nights end with me sitting at my computer, analyzing everyday I do, and just feeling more and more worthless...

I realize that during the average week I feel happy for only about.. 6-12 hours. A few hours here and then. That's all that my mind allows me. Because then the worthless thoughts come back. The thoughts of " you have no life", "you have very few friends", "you are a bumbling idiot", "you just aren't smart", "you have no knowledge, you can't talk about anything", "what do you have that makes you even remotely special", and it goes on.

I mean, I screwed up enough.. it'd be nice if I could just fucking speak. Say what I intend to say. At least have that. Maybe even make a few people laugh.

=/.

Going home this weekend. I feel nothing. Nothing. Completely empty. or sad. Empty or sad, how my emotions fluctuate.

and..........................

I don't see me getting out of this any time soon, because I know, whenever I walk into a room, I automatically feel lesser, feel down, feel lowwww. and I can't help it.

fucking self-esteem issues have always ruled my life.

Sometimes I need to just tell myself to shut the fuck up.

I can't stand how I can never say what I mean. The majority of the time, the words that come out of my mouth are not what I want to say at all. I express myself as an incoherent idiot most of the times it seems. This is how I feel. I wonder how close this estimation is to that of my peers.



Another Saturday Night of nothing. I need to love myself in order for others to love me. In order for others to care. In order for others to want to see me, for me to significant in their lives. I can't wait to be accepted and then feel good about myself. It doesn't work that way.

Right now, the state I am in, even though I am aware that beating myself up about the past is not the right way to go about things, and that I just need to be active and things will turn around eventually.. its still incredibly difficult to live a life that is so far away from what you want.

I need to get into the right mental state of mind, because like this, I'm not fun to be around. I don't want to be around me. Spring Break attitude needs to come back and I need to make a stronger effort to keep it in place in all situations. I may be an idiot, incompetent, and a socially awkward individual, but thinking about it will not change anything. It never has.

Eventually, I will learn how to be socially competent. Eventually.