First good mood in weeks is ruined by my incompetence. It never seems to end.

Woohoo. Another low point reached. I didn't think it could get worse.

I need to get some sort of a life going.

I can say that one thing has been really bothering me the past few days, but surprisingly hasn't held my mood down: my intelligence. I'm starting to believe that I'm quite the idiot. I just have a lot of "Chris idiot moments". I say many things that don't make sense and represent an overall lack of mental competence. I know I'm not the smartest guy, but I'd like to think I'm at least sort of intelligent. Intelligent enough to learn new things, expand my knowledge field, and have good reason. That would be nice.

Probably one of the hardest parts about being depressed for long is that when you do find yourself in a good mood, a great mood even, the feeling is so unusual. You expect something to send you back down. I can say that for the majority of this week, I have been in a good mood. I'm thinking most of it is due to very little stress from my classes at the moment, but also, maybe, I'm starting to progress towards what I want, a direction in my life. I truly feel that getting involved in community service and volunteering programs on campus will be highly rewarding for me. Also, if I keep a gym workout going and continue to try to expand my knowledge field, hey, maybe I can someday be secure with who I am. Oh yeah, socially, I could be in a much better place. I just want to meet knew people, you know? People are exciting. I have to work on my awkwardness if I want to make any new friends. I don't do it on purpose people!

I haven't been sleeping well, but its been because of my poor choices (such as making phone calls very late into the night). I haven't been sleeping poorly because of uncontrollable anxiety or deep sadness, it's great to feel in control. My weakness is still there, and I still am not secure with it, but you know, times like these make me see what life can be like. It can be happy.

I realize that once I get some consistent security, I can devote my energies to helping out my family, and other people in my life. I mean, really, that's who its all about in the end. I want to stop being all about me in my head, so I can start doing things to improve other people's lives.

And tonight I experience the common feelings of my depression: feeling unintelligent, awkward, socially isolated, worthless, and like my life is going absolutely nowhere. I need direction. I need consistency. Life is wonderful, but I'm hardly ever in the mood to truly feel like it is.

Oh yeah, and I'm such a hopeless romantic. Completely. =)

The three ingredients to happiness:

A) Know yourself, be comfortable with yourself, and be proud of yourself.
B) Have a social life that you are satisfied with. Have strong, meaningful relationships.
C) Have a clear direction in your life. Be going somewhere. Have every day be significant.