maybe I'll find a life this year, maybe I'll be okay, maybe someday the hole will go away, but who knows, I can feel the ice breaking, I can see the fall. That's what I set myself up for, to keep falling, falling, falling.


I just know what I'm missing, how imcomplete I am, because whenever something occurs in my life that I truly, deeply desire, like affection or a compliment or an acknowledgment of some sort of worth, the emotion that runs through my body is indescribable. It shows me how much my body is lacking without these things. I feel completely different.

and ok.

let me say this:

I am trying something new this year, because honestly, lastly, if you couldn't tell from my blog posts, was complete hell in my mind.
This year, I'm trying just to not think, not think about anything too deeply, not take apart every single fucking word I say and every action I take in order to find self-worth.
its hard. my mind is still firmly in control.
but I know its what I have to do.
one thing I have to do to.