and I write this all with my trust emotions of despair how I agonize over text messages and wonder if what I said is correct or "could it be perceived in this way? oh fuck our friendship is OVER" that fucking shit. well it wouldn't exist if someone held my hand and said "hey it's okay Chris" and they didn't just say it then meant it and knew it and through my hand felt the emotions pulsating through my body and knew that I'm not a bad guy I'm Chris I like love and I like smiling and I like people and I like when people say "good job Chris" and I like when I get complimented but usually I just have to imagine that because that's my not my reality I need to create the illusions..


and I listen to song by snow patrol and I cry from it because its so true and beauty and its my dream and I want it
and the way he sings it is so pure and beautiful and lovely and I want to sing this song and make it be real because then I know my heart will be swelling not dieing collasping inside of me falling down to the pit of stomach coming out in tears and angry fists and slamming bathroom stalls and steering wheels and crushing soda cans and heavy breathes of loneliness when I see the people in front of me holding hands. fuck that

can I hold your hand? you don't want to got it I understand I'm dirty like garbage why would you want to touch that I'm ugly why would I want garbage when i could have that trophy on the wall so vibrant and lovely and sweet and you're just garbage but I like you but don't get too close I will run away before that can happen

and this song I can't stop listening because it makes me tap my fingers my desk and the tears from my eyes flow so pure and I feel something its like the tears squeak out of my heart they are crying for love they break through the barricade of loneliness they are the only thing that breaks through all us in stuck inside the cage yelling but you can't hear the yelling
because its all underwater
the water of loneliness fills up my body my heart my mind and everything is drowning in it I know its through I see the bubbles come to the top I don't know how much longer they can all hold through breath they may die out soon and then what will I have? nothing inside and out
and then I will truly be alone and hope will be gone and I need it and I need hope because I see the messages shared and the love communicated I see it everywhere its red in a sea of gray
I want to reach out and grab it and let it be mine for once you know I come so close but yet I don't
I mean how far can garbage get not very people get repulsed they don't want the leftovers

they never wanted me not ever there's loneliness and then there's pure loneliness and never being loved and hating everything because you just want a text that says " I love you" or the person who spends the night and all you do is laugh at nothing and be pure and look out the window together and see the tree blowing in the night with the stars all over the place shining gleaming romanticizing life and squeezing hands so hard you could melt but you don't because you have love and you never want to let go never let go if you could hold hands forever you would because you would never be alone ever again and you could have love running through your veins at every moment cuddling you when you are feeling down because no one deserves to feel down not all the time like I do but I do and it hurts so much I could die but I don't I perservere because I want to experience love ever for a minute a second a flash in the pan a lightning strike of love is all I need just to know what it feels like you know and then my face will truly be smiling and you'll look at it and you'll feel warm because I'm not smiling love is

and I really want to just be normal but not normal life is a majestice thing I'll never understand it I'll never understand anything but I want to understand love because is so great what else is there really everything always go back to love

and something was bound to go right sometime today the lyrics flow in both my ears my legs are shaking I don't look so normal now I hope they don't see my vibrations but maybe they should see it its my emotions moving my legs and my heart and my fingers right now all emotion
the feeling in the core of my heart is so lonely I remove it from my body and show it to all of you it will look black and gross and unpretty and it will swirl like it does in my body and the "you're funny Chris" tryings to combat it but it sucks in it and spits it ut and then its "you're a loser a chris" because that's how almost every night ends
and my legs are still shaking and I feel everything pulsating and I want you

not really any you because there can't be a you in my life because there is never a me in anyone elses because they have there trophies and I'm in the can in the corner you don't even see me half of the time maybe not even any of the time you look past me you look through me like transparency oh how I want to be looked at fully and to be looked at in the eyes when I'm driving home and she doesn't even say anything she just touches my shoulder and then all is well because the touch is all I need the touch would free my body all the hatred lonelienss would exploud out of me like a missle out of a cannon and it would be beautifully depressing and it would be gone and my mind would stop being in a civil war stop killing itself so I can think about other things like how those flowers are quite beautiful and man can I just look in your eyes again? I want to get lost in them like I did the other day when I saw you and it never felt so good to be lost

but this lost feels like I'm a tiny dot at the end of everyone's paper and most people don't ever look there and if they don't do they don't see anything worthwhile they just see a dot at the end of the paper

oh pure emotion running in and out will this all I ever feel, my life in ruins and all I want is to say something they mean to be and mean that I am ok and that maybe I can be a trophy in their life and they can love me like they love and we could be happy for a second or a few days or maybe longer but I don't care how long as long as it was there because it can never leave then and then my heart will stop crying and I will be free for a time and I will fly across the country with a smile and I will soar for that moment and many a few more moments an eternity of moments that's what love is an eternity of moments that you feel like you're soaring across the country and you're smiling