To me, nothing matters if it doesn't have a chance to fix the problems that resonant within me. All I've been able to figure out is things that will not be able to fix it. I'll like to find some things in the other category now. It's been three long, long years. I want to feel again. I want to love again. I want to know what it feels like to wake up and feel, ok. I want all of that. But if the piece isn't there, I can't. I've learned that now, especially this past year. Without pride, without some kind of actual hope that my life will not always been this empty mess, and that my incompetence will not forever ruin me.. I will never be able to feel okay again. I want to, desperately.