and I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of the constant struggle. I'm losing. I feel dead inside. Soon I'll lose the few friends that I have left.

life, what I have imagined in my head.
all I really want is to fit in somewhere, belong somewhere, and stop being punished for who I was. Be able to start a new life, with the new me.

It's not working though.

and I'm sorry
to everyone
for who I am
I can't help it

people at work
why couldn't we ever be friends?
Why was I never able to create the friendships?

Because I had nothing, and was nobody.

That's the reason why
for almost everything.
and I'm suffering here
day after day

I'm with my friends but I'm not
lying on the bed
half-conscious
hate tearing me apart inside

my mind gone
everything gone

and I wish I wasn't sitting here on a friday night at 2:00 am
typing about how truly miserable I am.
I wish I was with friends
feeling
like I was suppose to be there
feeling ok

or maybe with a girl
no way
not me!
never me

go to bed, not alone?

haha
keep dreaming

or maybe I'm sleeping
actually resting
ACTUALLY SLEEPING

and I'm content
and I'm looking forward to what I'm going to do tomorrow
I'm doing something with myself
I'm going somewhere

the pain

the absolute

horrific

pain

of being alone

and seeing no hope in sight

just seeing

past friendships

fall through

girls in the past

the few that have gotten close enough to try the friendship thing with the fucking loser mess I am

and how those have never lasted

I can't make friends
because I'm not anybody.

2:00 am on a friday night eh

saturday morning

and I'm doing this

but hey
I'm always doing this
this always plays in my head
each and every day.
the same.

I'm so far under water
I can barely keep my head up
I fear that I will sink soon
and no one would notice

and then I'll be floundering in absolute misery
with no hope
I don't know what I would do
if it comes to that
drop out of school
move out
live alone

that's what I feel like I want to do
I can't run away from my problems
moving won't do anything

maybe I just need to drop out of society
crazy talk
but maybe that's the only way I can ever
feel anything again'

no
I'm just talking crazy
because I don't see how I can live and feel like this

if I didn't fail at EVERYTHING
if every girl didn't lose interest and not care
if I wasn't such a fuck-up

then maybe
I wouldn't feel this way





but
this is how I feel
and I'm absolutely miserable

this was my plan
take on the source of all my problems
fight it
beat it
and rebuild
restart

I'm losing the fight
it's too hard

the only choice I had was to step into the ring
and give it all I got

well know my problems
are beating me to a pulp
in the corner of the ring

the audience left awhile ago
or they were never there

do I have any more energy left
to fight this thing off
I don't think so
what's the point of having hope

if hope brings you years of struggle
for nothing

because 2:00 am on saturday morning in my sophomore year of high school

I still have no life
no meaning
no purpose
I have failed at everything I have ever done
I've experienced nothing
I'm alone
I've never been loved
I feel completely worthless
I have no self esteem
at school I have barely any friends
at home I have barely any friends
at work I have barely any friends
actually no friends there
I'm too fucking weird or awkward or losery to make any friends there

no one to call
no one understands
what this feels like

hopeless
that's me

oh misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.
misery.

I was right all along
about everything
I wish I wasn't

I wish I was wrong
I was this wasn't the truth my life
I wish that every night I didn't have to sleep alone

I wish that someone cared about me
like I need them to

I wish I could be a good brother
and a good son
and a good friend


oh how much I've let my brother down
I should be so much better to him

so muh better
but I'm just lnoely and sad allt he time and I can't ne anyhting to him
bit he still stays up until 3 am the night before I leave because he still likes me

and that makes me happy
because of how shitty I am as a brother
how I could be so much more to him

and my mom
how shitty I am to her
and how I COuld be so much better
if i weren't so sad and lonely and helplesssssss


how much I want to be a better son

and my dad
he's caused me a lot of pain
but I still love him
and I want to be happy with him

and I want to better to him
but I can't

because I'm sad and lonely
and fucked up my whole life

did everything wrong

and DJ
my cousin
how he calls me all the time
somehow
I don't know why
I'm not even there
a skeleton of a person

how I wish I could be more to him
and really engage in the conversation
and really care

BUT I CAN'T

because
I'm sad and lonely and miserable and I hate my life
and I hate who I was more than anything
and I hate this repeat
and I ahte my mind
and I hate my stupidity
and I hate my scummy talentless self

and I hate my incompetence

AND I HATE

and my grandparents
and kaitlyn
my god child
I want to be there for them
because I love them

BUT I CAN'T

because I'm filled with hate and misery to the top

AND I WANT TO BE FREED

and I want that girl to love me JUST ONCE

and I want to walk around and remove this knife from my chest
the knife that is my past

and finally recover from these bullet holes that this struggle has left inside of me
and finally have my heart beat again

I know its still there
it's crying

it's being held down
by all the misery

mom dad jason kaitlyn grandma grandpa my whole family I love you
and I'm sorry I haven't been there allt hese years

because of the misery
I'm sorry

I wish I coud stop it
BE FREE


freeeee







but
I know tomorrow
I will wake up
and it will all start again


torture
the torture
of all of this.

I'm miserable
if you can't tell

because I have
no talent
no skill
no love
no purpose

and buckets
oceans
of pain
because of the knowledge I have
of how much I have missed out on
and missing out on

I look at my phone
wish I will get a text from someone
anyone
that said

I care about you.
I miss you.

I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.


I understand you.
and you are ok.