I can't play any sports well.
I can't do anything artistically at a respectable level.
I can't play an instrument anymore.
I can't perform on stage.
I can't sing.
I lack the ability to reason, especially inductively.
I learn slower than average.
I'm not physically attractive.
I'm inexperienced socially.
I've never been in a relationship.
Few girls have ever liked me. In fact, I doubt that any truly have.
My life is completely meaningless.
I can't connect with people.
I sometimes can't speak coherently and cannot correct it.

The only aspects of myself that I give myself credit for:

I have an above-average intelligence, on my good days.
I have a slight natural inclination towards running.
I am an average or above-average writer.
When in certain emotional states, I am a decent poet, but I even write this with doubt.
I may be a good psychologist someday.


I've been trying to derive some sort of self-worth with all of this being true.
And it is true, even though some may dispute the validity of some of the things I said.
Believe me, I've thought about this enough.
It's true.
and the validity of the statements doesn't truly matter as
It's how I feel and
That's all that matters.
I'm not trying to feel this way.
I can't help it.
Believe me.



Maybe I have a decent personality, maybe I'm funny, maybe I have good morals, but none of that matters if I can't accept my severe competence deficiencies. There are so many of them. I can't do anything, it seems.

I have so much exuberance for life. I want to do so many things. Meet so many people.
As I traveled around New York City yesterday, I saw many people, and I looked at them, looking at their faces and wondering what they were like. I wanted to get to know all of them.

I thought about life. How there's so much to do. To feel. To experience.

It's a strong inner desire, that has only increased in strength.

I have so many questions about my past decisions.

Should I have quit Frisbee?
Should I continue Spanish?

Things have I tried recently, but have not had much success in.
Did I give them enough time?

It's so hard to live this way.
Knowing that I could be so much more.
Knowing that I could be experiencing love.
Love.
I have thought about it, imagined it, too many times.
Out of all the experiences I want to have in life, love, without a doubt, is my ultimate desire.
If I ever end up in a relationship with a girl
I will do my best
to love her
as she deserves

I need to control my mind
it tortures me
pings with insecurity
I need to let that all go
it won't win the battle
but it will at least be of some aid
to reaching
stability.

and I think about life.
and I want life.
and I want freedom.
and I want her, when I meet her.

How do I accept myself?
I'm incompetent.
Unaccomplished.
Unattractive.
Lacking identity
Lacking a life

How do I accept all the failures of my past
all the bad decisions
how do I feel good enough about myself now
that I can believe in myself
believe that someday even I can have a satisfying life
I can have love
I can meaning
I can have pride

someday

I want to look at myself
in the mirror
and be able to say
I accept you

you have flaws
flaws you will try to correct
and maybe you can't be happy now
but you can be stable
you can stop hating yourself
you can find pleasure

and someday
you will find happiness in your life
and you will bring happiness to others
and everything
will be ok.

someday.

How do I get to this point?
What needs to be done?

They say
life is about doing the best with what you have
well
what do I have?
and what can I do with it?
questions that need answers.

four weeks of devoted thought.
nothing to show.
accept more question marks
at the ends of
very serious questions.