I have to remove the context.
Accept my life as it is. Accept myself.
Accept that being this person will cause me to have this life.
Do not have that urgency to change.
I can't feel everyday that I want to be somewhere else.
because it doesn't work.
I need to learn how to relax.
because
being this way
will not get me any further.
I need to have a short term memory
not hold on to my many displays of incompetence

I need to embrace the person I am now
find out the good that is in me
what I can focus on
what I have to work with
whatever it may be

and then still change
try to find that purpose
passion
meaning
pride
love

but I can't do it if I'm not stable
if every minute of every day
I feel like I'm a loser
I'm inferior
I'm behind
I have nothing
I am nothing
I can't feel that way all the time
I have to control the loneliness
I have to control my feelings of emptiness
and try to live my life to the fullest
do what I can
and not get lost in all the negative
emotion

control my mind
control my memory

it's going to be hard
but its the only way

I can't keep trying to prove to myself each and every moment that I am smart
or that I can funny
or that I have value
because that doesn't work
I need to believe that I am all of those things, or at least.. something
without constant proof

accept what I am not
and be happy
well not "happy"
but not miserable

I can't be miserable anymore
because its holding me back

I have to do this on my own
and this is the only way I can have a better life
all the emotions and experiences
I dream about
all the words
I dream coming out of mouth
it won't happen
if I'm

miserable

I need hope back
but I need to learn to let go of the urgency
because its splitting me apart
this urgency
and I need to be unified
together
if I want to ever be truly happy

I need to let go
more than ever

yes, everything I have discovered about my life is true
all these problems do exist
I am incompetent
I am not naturally inclined to do anything
I will always be a loser in high school
I can't change that
Being a nobody for all these years in my life will always hinder me
Other people will experience happiness because they didn't make the mistakes you did

but I can still have a satisfying life
I can still have meaning
I can still have purpose
I can still have love

maybe I won't be a singer
or a dancer
but I can be something

with the few things I do like

I won't be a talented person
I won't be looked upon for that

but I can still be happy
I can still be somebody

instead of constantly trying to draw new cards
I need to work with the cards I have in my hand first

that's what I've always tried to avoid
but no more avoiding
I'm not getting better

for better or for worse
I need to accept this life
accept me
lose the urgency
lose the thoughts

realize still I will not be secure
I will not be happy
I will be empty
I will be lonely
but don't let those emotions control me

and yes this may be asking for too much
for the average human to handle

but I have to do this
I don't see any other way

for nearly three years now
I've been trying to find something to take pride in
as the first step

but it's not working
because there is too much context to every action I take
and that
makes constant pride
impossible

my lack of experience also makes
constant pride impossible

so I have to stir away from that
and realize that no matter how hard I try
if I feel like this
I will never sustain enough good to evaporate this state of mind
I need to weaken it with what I have
weaken it
I won't be able to destroy it
but it's far too strong now
nothing can defeat it in its current state

acceptance
will weaken it
working with what I have
will weaken it

that's my objective.

and I will always have to steer my actions toward completely destroying it
but it can't always be on my mind
it can't control me
anymore
I won't let it
I must steer my actions toward
meaning
passion
love
pride

but I can't always have those words revolving around my head
causing deep emotional sickness
I need to be able to live without them
be stable
without them

it all comes down to
do I want to be happy or do I want to be sad?

I want to be happy.
this is the only way I can do it.
given the cards I currently have.

examination is where I have to go now.
I must examine the cards here my hands.
I can either work with them
or fold.



good night.