I wish I could continue Spanish. I wish I was good enough. I would love to be able to speak another language. The only reason why I started to dislike it was because the skill wasn't there. The skill wasn't there. Why does this keep happening to me?

I mean, if one thing worked out... one thing, I'd be totally different right now. I'd have a much easier time saying: I may not have much at all going for me, but at least I have this: I will focus on this, grow in this area, and hopefully other things will sprout up along the way. But I've never had that. I've never had that one thing.


I wish I felt my CA interview went better.

After the group interview portion, I felt good about myself. I thought I did well. Man, that feeling, I feel like 1% of the time. I wish I felt it more.

Right after the other interviews, I shot way back down.

If I can just shut all this out, I will. I don't want to suffer anymore. I never want to wake up how I did this morning ever again. I never want to feel how I did this week ever again. Ever again.

I've lost a lot of myself this past two weeks. Lost but still salvageable.

Why has it been so bad? I'm trying to target the problem head on. Fight it in order to accept it.
but there's too much that goes wrong.
Lack of acceptance from my peers.
If there was ever a night where all my friends weren't free, I don't know how I'd be able to handle that.

Maybe I needed to suffer this much in order to accept.
I just can't feel like I did this morning ever again. I can't.

This is college for me.
If I felt okay about myself, It'd be a blast.
I've met some really cool people.
I wish I didn't feel inferior in their presence.

I need believe that Chris Lombardi, despite all my flaws, is not a complete failure, not doomed for the future, and not totally unlikable. As in, people will not lose interest in hanging out with me. Not all of them.
I can't create a social life.
I can't make a girl care about it.
I can't help the fact that despite how hard I try, I cannot seem to do anything well. At age 19, this is hard, very hard to grasp.