I have a lot of work to do with my life.
Everyone else seems to be going places, having plans, having futures.
Italy, two minors, clubs. English honor society.
Internship, England, LSATs? (practice problems?)
I'm all over the place.
Psychology? Criminology? Creative Writing? Biology? Job? Internship? Summer Class?
I'm severely weakened by my past.
I didn't realize how much my problems have taken life away from me.

I also noticed: They went through the same things I did, every does: wasted classes, hard decisions, making independent decisions.

Wow. I will think about this conversation in the future, because it displayed a lot.


I need to get my head straight, whatever it takes, whatever sacrifices I need to make.
That's the only way I will ever get my life on track.

The loneliness, the meaningless, the purposeless, the lack of connections. I can't focus on them.
They hurt. They would cause most people to be miserable. I've paid by dues to misery.
And the only way they will disappear if it I get my life on track. A regular schedule. Doing things.
Feeling good about my future again. Making efforts to talk to people despite all of this.
I never accepted them. I never could. Now I will. As long as it takes. It's the only way.

Get my head straight.
Figure out what I want in life.
Get it.

And I won't be doing it alone.
I have my family. They will always be there.
Doing what they can.

I'm focusing on things that I can control. After all these years of suffering - that I needed to do - I'm maybe finally getting to the point where I need to focus on what I can do, whatever it is, and build on it.

I just don't want to lose who I am through all of this.
The funny, crazy Chris.
He's still in there.
I love him.

I don't want him to go away.

I'm finally focusing on the future.
Maybe I won't get anywhere.
but it's better than focusing on the past.

A new concept of myself will arise.

Other people do things. Lots of things.
I need to start doing things too.

I'm going to try my best to not feel bad about things that I usually feel bad about.

I just don't want to feel that I am accepting my problems because other important things have arisen in my life. I want to feel that I am accepting them because that is what I would do in any current life circumstance. Well, I did want to let go all of winter break.
Remember the end of last semester? "I need to let go."

And if something did go my way once in awhile, then maybe things would different, but I was looking at life the wrong way (but understandably). Righting the ship.

I need to redefine who I am, without the context. Right now, I have this sense of emptiness, and confusion. Who am I beyond this hell of a life I have lived over the past three years?

The Chris that I like is still here and he will still be around. It's removing the other stuff now.

I need to stop thinking about other people. Comparing to feel better, I mean. I should look at other people for means of example of what one should do with life.

Once my life is together, I'll have those few hours to write, to draw, to learn something new, to practice something. I can't forget to make sure I have those hours. Not work all the time.
Fun still needs to exist.

A mental healing.
It's not all in my mind, but healing my mind will ease the pain. It's the only thing I can control right now.

I hate how dead I am with them.
Unclear.

I have nothing yes.
Nothing to build on.
But the desire to have a future
a life
that I can be proud of.

I am not lesser than everyone in everything.

I'm not me right now. My personality is dormant. It will return once everything begins to settle.

I will have time to relax.
Things will get easier.

I was tired of saying the same thing.