It's all me. I can't accept the fact that someone could like me. It doesn't fit into my paradigm. I mean, I'm suppose to be Chris Lombardi, the one who is too unattractive, too boring, too unaccomplished, and too awkward for anyone to ever have feelings for me. Even though people have liked me in the past (a few over the years) I still have the belief system in place that I am unlikable, unlovable. For me to ever put myself out there, the other person would have to plain and simple say "I like you." They can hint at it all they want, but because of my self-perception, I can't make a move on someone unless I know the feeling is mutual. This is a flaw. Because of my past, because of who I believe I am, I've resigned to the fact that until I fix myself, I cannot make anyone happy and therefore cannot even think of dating. This is wrong. I do have my flaws, I think about them every day, talk to people about them every day, but nothing changes. I am who I am. I'm trying to make my life better, trying to find that niche, a life that I enjoy, and all that. I'm trying. There is no reason why someone can't like me for who I am now. I am aware of most of my flaws. I just can't limit myself and keep myself off the market until I perceive myself as lovable. There is no reason that people cannot love me. I have many qualities that are great, I have enough going for me. I just need to believe that.

I need to fully accept myself. This faulty thinking I've had, that I need to get to a certain place until I can be happy. There is no "happiness destination". I should be able to be a happy person with my current life situation. Every day I am bothered by what I didn't do in my life, how it led to be this unaccomplished person, and how much I missed out on. It's all true. I did miss out. I am not accomplished. But I can't keep on viewing this way. I'm not that person anymore! I need to convince myself of this. I am NOT that guy anymore. If someone looks at me and sees incompetence and superiority (my ultimate fear), then I guess they aren't for me. Because no one will dislike me for the reasons I think they will. People may dislike me for my personality, but hey, that's true for everyone. Other people may not dislike, but just may not be interested in being my friend because we don't have much in common. Or they don't find me interesting. But that's true for everyone.

I'm still going to be bothered, the things I'm insecure about will not go away quickly but I can't keep feeding the thoughts and beliefs. I just need to shut them out. I've been dealing with this same problem for so long. I'm tired of thinking and saying the same things. My life will not go anywhere with the way I think. I need to fully accept my weaknesses and not see them as a major deterrent. If I do that, my social life will grow and become more enjoyable, and it will make it easier for to find my niche.

February was one of my worst months, ever. One week, I was so depressed I did not want to see anymore, I could not concentrate on anything, I was feeling utterly hopeless. Other weeks, I was just dead inside. I did not do much in February besides work and think, and think about the same thing over and over again. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I would see my therapist every week, and nothing would change. The same story, every time. No more of that.

A major problem that I have that has also been making life much more difficult to enjoy is my sleeping habits. I don't sleep well on a regular basis. I believe I can fix it though. This week, even though I have not slept the best, I have not felt the kind of fatigue that I have been feeling for the past months. I would be so tired that all I would want to do is sit in my room and do nothing.This week, even though I have not been in the best moods, I have not thought about sleeping and being tired, and I have been feeling okay when I wake up. I've been doing things. If I can carry this on, my life satisfaction will increase, no doubt.

Why have I not been in a good mood this week? One specific reason: Loneliness. I've been really bothered by my inexperience, and how of life I have missed out on because I have never had someone. But mostly, its because I so desire intimacy. Ever when someone shows just a tiny bit towards me, I automatically feel fantastic. I think "This is what I want, this is what I've been missing". I just want to be with someone who cares about me and I care about them, and share my life with them. Be close. Know that, someone is there for me. Someone loves me. Love. Something I've always wanted to be in, but never had. I watched the OC, use to get it from that. Use to imagine what it would be like in those situations. During the romantic scenes, I'd feel so happy, just seeing the beauty of romance. Like, in episode 14 of the the first season of the OC, The Countdown. At the end, when Ryan runs to Marissa's party, going there driven by true love, knowing that he just had to be with her, it is just a great thing to watch, to feel. When he arrives at the party, tired, worn out from his journey, and Marissa sees him and they kiss, a long wonderful kiss that goes on.. I want that. I desire that. All these years, through my loneliness, I thought I was this way because I "didn't put myself out there". That's true, but I didn't fully understand what that meant. Now I do. I know why I was the way I was. Why I never had anyone. Its very clear. I haven't been depressed my entire life, but I have been lonely. I can remember back to middle school, I would like girls, think about being with them, never doing anything because of who I was, and feel bad about being alone. Whenever I would go anywhere in public, if I see a random girl who I find attractive, I will always think, "maybe she will be the one who changes things, the one I am looking for." I always think that I will be saved by someone. I always had that desire.

I remember when I was younger, I put in my profile "Nobody knows who I am, but nobody really seems to want to know." I thought that people just didn't care about me. I didn't understand the concept that I had to MAKE them care. I am not a broken person, I am lovable the way I am now. I appeal to people, and they are the right people for me.

I also put on my myspace "On the outside looking in." and I thought "I will change this statement once it becomes false. It still is true, I still feel isolated. But life is not about feeling sorry for yourself. Anything you want in your life, anything that truly means something, you need to get it yourself. Its hard to do. Its not going to be like "wow I will get whatever I want now" but if I have this attitude, I will get MORE of what I want.

I always thought "If I could get stable, then I can get somewhere". Well, hello, I'm the only one who is holding me back, stopping myself from becoming stable.

Anyway. I did this for me. I did it because I feel like this will be the point in my life where I don't look back, at least for not that long. I feel like this will be the beginning of an upward trend, finally getting out of the gutter. Life can be great. I feel that I can start feeling that way. There is no reason why I should remain depressed. I have figured out my past. I know what I am lacking. I cannot beat myself up for it any longer. I have enough going for me now that I can feel happy. and I can only get better. Everyone who is friends with me, except the happy Chris to be around longer, and more frequently. even though I can't be myself all the time, I will try. And I will accept myself in a good mood and bad mood. There's really no reason why I can't. I know that I will not automatically change, but I'm not going backwards anymore. I'm going forward.

-Chris