I might have learned something tonight.

Maybe if I stop looking at myself as this guy needs to be fixed and is incapable of going anywhere until the fix is made.. and instead just accept who I am. Accept it.

Not that what I've uncovered over the years isn't true. It's completely true. I never did anything. I didn't accomplish much. I have very limited life experience. All of it is. But I can't let it hold me back anymore. I can't keep waiting for things to get better and then acting, I just need to realize: I am who I am. I'm perfectly likable the way I am. If I just keep that mindset, it will make the depressive states much easier to deal with.

I need to stop analyzing everything I do. I need to stop feeling like I need to be a certain way to be worth something. I just need to stop wasting thoughts on things that are insignificant.

But I think, what ALWAYS put me back in the depressive states:

-Feeling unaccomplished around accomplished people
-Feeling untalented around talented people
-Feeling insecure about my lack of relationships thus far in my life.

How can I deal with this? Well its going to be fucking hard to do. But I'm going to have to train myself to think, when these thoughts come up "Yes, you are not very accomplished or talented, and you do have no relationship experience. But you know why you are the way you are. It is not because you are lazy or incompetent (well I am naturally a little) but it is because of not knowing what is best and never finding what you loved. it is not something you should feel bad about."

Along with training myself to do that, I need to just.. get a life. I need to find something that will take up my time. At college I've been trying. I tried out to be an ambassador, CA, and tutor. Ca and ambassador I did not make, and tutor may work out but not the way I wanted exactly. I've joined clubs. RHA, water watch, Italian club, psych club, circle K. (Not active in all of the, but I do participate in them). but nothing that I really care about. I mean, I feel like volunteering may be something that I could really invoke myself in. So I want to do that. But overall, I just haven't found anything. I like sports, a lot. But not doing them throughout my life makes it hard to join them in college. Intermural would work, but I lack friends, in general, and friends that do the sports I like to do.

I just need to try to be active.

This could be much more expansive but its very very late or early (4:30 am wowz) so I REALLY need to get to bed but I am goign to continue this tomorrow, for myself, so I can view this post as, "This is where I am now."

Is life satisfaction on its way for me? Will I finally be able to get over the problems I have and focus on other people, and be able to appreciate the life that I have? I hope so. I think it can happen.

More later today.