My life has been the same for so long. When will I finally come to terms with my problems and begin to start living the life I have imagined. The thing is, I'm still not sure of the answer to the question "Is it possible to move on from this problem?" Right now, it just seems so difficult to overcome. Its such as intrinsic flaw that I have discovered in myself, one that affects every aspect of who I am and my life situation. This isn't something that can be fixed with a simple solution. The problem is really not that complex: an extreme lack of self-esteem caused by a lack of skills, talents, and things that make me unique. I lack competence. I fear that I am incompetent, and unable to become talented or skilled in any area, because I have failed to do so thus far in my life. To completely analyze myself and realize that I have a very good point and the basis of my claims is in fact legitimate makes it difficult. When you come down to it, I have yet to find anything at all that I can say that I naturally excel in. Intelligence, athletics, the arts, nothing. Its hard to grasp, because so many others have at least one thing that they can say "Hey, I am good at this". I know that the main reason why I am like this is because I have very little experience in anything at all. I never consistently did any sport/club/activity. My natural incompetence (which is not insurmountable, I believe) and my complete lack of experience have put me in this predicament. If I could revise my past, I would be active in activities that I like to do: basketball, guitar, piano, running, writing, bowling, perhaps some art. The thing is, I did not like much when I was younger, and had no internal and external motivation to discover my interests. For some reason, I just didn't like much when I was younger. That, accompanied with parents that were not aware of the importance of competence in their child's self-esteem, caused me to be this way. Most people have some sort of interest/hobby/skill/talent that defines them, something that they have been doing for quite some time. I had never thought about the world in this manner before my senior year of high school. I didn't realize how important it is to get involved. Explore who I am. Now, I'm left with a destroyed self-esteem, nearly no self-worth. Really, if you could see the thoughts going on in my head, the utter hatred, well not hatred, but lack of respect for myself, how I really see myself as worthless, its hard to deal with on a daily basis. I just wish I could have that talent/skill, because its what is missing from my identity, and without it, I am incomplete, and insecure. I have tried to immerse myself in activities in order to improve my competence, but my natural inability to learn new things quickly has made things SO difficult. I know its true, its the way I am. I wasn't in resource room, extra gym, occupational therapy in elementary school for no reason, I obviously wasn't natural inclined in those areas. The question is then, what the fuck am I naturally inclined to do? I have no idea. It kills me. I just want to enjoy all the good in life, enjoy people, enjoy the world. But this problem, always in my mind, influences every thought, every activity, makes it nearly impossible. I have my health and my family's health, so I should be happy. My problems aren't serious like that. I am just severely unconfident in myself. I have no idea what it feels like to go through a whole day without being bothered by this. I have tried to see it as not a big deal, and something I can live with. But I can't. Without a foundation to my competence, some sort of talent, something that DISTINGUISHES ME. SOMETHING THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. something you know, that makes me worthwhile. worth something.

I know I'm not unique in my problem, self-esteem is a common issue. I just feel like there is no one out there that can quite understand my brand of self-esteem deficiency. No one could have screwed up as much as I did. Life is all about exploring one's interests and having a unique identity and having SOMETHING that makes you different from the rest. a unique appeal. a strong suit. SOMETHING.

And I know I'm being overdramatic. Yes, some of this is to make people feel bad for me, I admit it. I'm aware. The thing is, when something like this takes over your life, destroys you from the inside (there I go again) and makes you be a dead personality for 90% of the night and then suddenly changing into something who KINDA SORTA resembles you, well, you know. I want something to truly understand the pain that a severe self-esteem issue can cause you.

I know I am going in the right direction, now I am trying to fix myself, being more involved. but it seems like its too late. people have already established themselves. they already got their skills. I don't have anything. plus, my natural ability to suck at almost anything I do initially, and only get better at a slow pace, really is challenging (I know, redundent).

Its so hard have your life ruined by your lack of knowledge in the past. How such a major problem can cause you so much pain but yet there is really nothing you can do. you can't change the past. but when you fuck up in the past so much that your present is a constant fuckign struggle to be happy, its a hard concept to grasp.

I also have sleep issues that make things worse. When I don't sleep, it kind of destroys that optimism I have and the joy that I get from certain things in my life. The barrier is not there. When I don't sleep, which happens frequently b/c of this issue, I am not myself. My self-esteem is at its lowest point. The thing is, lacking sleep makes it hard to act and be active and change my life, and not doing those things makes me depressed which causes me not to sleep. The effect ends up enhancing the cause.

What would my perfect life be? A consistent happiness in which I get enjoyment from my hobbies and interests, and have a satisfying social life, in which I have a group of close friends and many other friends.. and always meeting new people. A life in which I can spend with my family and just love it. I can't love anymore. I mean, I guess I do. But it is just so hard to feel anything anymore. A common symptom of depression. I'm practically emotionless.

I want a life in which every day means something and I live life to the fullest. I want to be able to experience the people in my life. that's what life is all about. The people in it. When its all over, you only think about the people that changed your life. not the things, not anything else. nothing. fucking nothing.

so yeah, this is what goes on in my mind on a daily basis. it sucks. this was a spontaneous poring out of emotions. I had another night in which my incompetence bothered me, I felt worhtless, I thought about not hanging out with my friends anymore b/c I don't feel like they need/want me. yeah. all the time.

oh yeah, another thing that would make my life sweet would be to finally have someone. you know, a girlfriend. yes. immaturity. whatever. I'm so lonely. incredibly. not having ANYTHING going on romantically for 18 years fucking sucks. you learn to believe that you are just deficient. a loser, persay. its funny that everything I want is not there. I would love just to, snuggle with a person, just be close with someone. intimate. just know that they care about me. a phonecall in the middle of the night saying "I was thinking about you" or "I love you". I've never had that.
now you can say, GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I try. not hard enough I know. I but I tend to think that having this on my mind and always being sleep deprived kind of makes things difficult. If I had a stable confidence, and felt good, then hey, I can try knowing I'm at my best or close to it and if they deny me well oh well.

but when I'm saying to myself "I don't even want to spend time with me" because you know you're in a shitty mood, then its kind of hard to make changes and put yourself out there. If I just had that confirmation that I don't fail at everything I do then everything would be fine. Hey, if I was a decent basketball player, who played guitar on the side, then I'd be FINE. it seems unimportant. but it is. to have ABSOULTELY NOTHING. to take pride in, as you can see, destroys your self-image.

so yeah, post-secret on wednesday presented the idea everyone has something going on that we don't know about. don't be quick to judge. everyone has secerts. well this is mine. this is how I define myself now. as a depressed college student who can't seem to gain any traction in his life. who day after day just wants to be able to be happy and have these insecure thoughts go away, but can't do it.

I just wonder what kind of person I would be if I didn't have a fucking essay on my mind every moment of my life.

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